Thursday, 27 February 2014

Where You Are, Where You Used To Be Kind Of Free

Well, that's the end of it. 101 goals in 1001 days. I'm done.

It feels surreal. Perhaps somewhat anti-climactic.  It feels bittersweet.

I might do another list someday soon, but for now I am content. It made me do things I normally wouldn't force myself to do, and I think that has become more of a habit that doesn't need a list anymore.

But it certainly feels like a chapter in my life is over... I wonder what the next one will be...

I've Been Wide Awake Since Wednesday I've Been Feeling So Inspired

It's hard to believe I started this journey 1001 days ago. So much has changed, so much hasn't.

I haven't read the letter just yet, I want to go for that before and after vibe.

I'm expecting the letter to be somewhat whiny actually, and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed about things I wished for that may not have come true. I imagine that 1001 days ago, I thought I'd have a permanent job, that I'd have reached my goal weight, that I would have completed every goal exactly as I had originally wrote them. But I don't know that I feel disappointed in myself for any of those things. I'm really trying to work on reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, and if things had gone differently, who knows where we'd be. I'm happy in our house. I'm not entirely happy that I'm still jobless, but with the new regulations, hope seems a bit better, there just are no jobs to be given to anyone, let alone me. I feel like I am finally truly on the right track for my weight loss, and although it might be 2 years later than I hoped, I'm still working on it.

Well, I guess here goes nothing...

Wednesday June 1, 2011

Dear 2014 Me,

Part of me thinks I’m crazy for taking on so many lofty goals. But part of me knows how cool it will be to complete even half of them. I really don’t know what to guess, for how many I will actually get done. I’d like to believe that I will accomplish them all; I did choose tasks that would be possible. But I also feel like 1001 days is a long time, maybe I’ll just get bored or run out of steam or feel overwhelmed by it all. I hope that I do put forth a strong effort though; I really have something to prove here, if only to myself.

Where I am now: it’s about 9:30pm. We just finished a late dinner (filet mignon, potato broccoli gratin and roasted broccoli; I’m such a foodie) after I went out for a run (I’m about halfway through the Gateway to 8K training program). I’m in the midst of season 4 of Numb3rs; fine dining entertainment. Yesterday was ridiculously hot, but today was a beautiful and windy day, and it’s cooled down quite a bit. We seem to have a gorgeous summer in store for us. I’m about two and half weeks away from final exams after a whole semester at HS teaching MAP4C and MCF3M. A three week long afternoons supply teaching gig became my first quasi LTO. I am so grateful to finally have the chance to actually teach, to have my first real classrooms. And I really like the school. I really hope it eventually becomes something more permanent, although I’m pretty sure I will be headed back to supply teaching as of September. But that’s ok, I finally have real experience, so it will come.

We’ve got two years at least left in this house, but we’ve already outgrown it. I can’t wait till we have our very own first home. I’m hoping by the time I read this it will be in our new house, but I’m not sure how well I can predict that. Mom has had vertigo for exactly a year; she’ll find out next Monday when her surgery is. Dad’s on a gardening kick. Nick wants to eventually go back to school, most likely UOIT, and we might end up buying that first house in the Durham area, particularly if I end up at HS more and more. Me, I’m just patiently awaiting that contract job. But with 20 teachers still on the Durham surplus list at this point, I don’t imagine it will be anytime soon.

Since this entire list was originally inspired for weight loss reasons... I weighed in this morning at 186.6 lbs. Before Christmas I reached 169 at Weight Watchers, gained about 10 over the holidays and have never quite been able to get back to where I was. Maybe it’s the new Points Plus plan, maybe it’s just me. I can go really well for a week or two, but then I completely lose it for another week or two, which typically has me going backwards if anything. I pretty much wanted to quit last night, quit obsessing with my weight, and quit trying to care. But obviously I’m not likely to ever give up. I’d really like to be in better shape for Irene’s wedding; I get so few excuses to dress up and I’d really like to feel like I look good. The wedding isn’t until October, but I will have to order a dress long before then. I think 25 lbs lost by then would make me happy, and it’s doable, but unlike me. But that’s the thing; I really need to change my mindset about what I am capable of. I can’t keep telling myself that I may or may not be able to do this, that I might be able to succeed, maybe if I get lucky. I have to decide that yes I will succeed, and just get it done. I need to feel better about all of my accomplishments and stop feeling worthless. I’m signed up for a 10K race at the Toronto Zoo in September, that’s why I’m in training. I just started a new blog a couple of weeks ago, and I’m actually hoping people will want to read about my weight loss journey. So far there have been a few hits (I think I’m at 31, but I imagine a few of those are Nick).

Where I’d like to be as I read this in 1001 days: ideally in our own house. Hopefully working steady LTO’s, if not on contract, at a good school. Having finished my entire list! Perhaps ready with a new list. Really though, I’d like to be happy with who I am. I’d like to feel more self-confident. If I’m going to be a 30-something, I better let go of the juvenile insecurities and just stop caring about what other people think of me.

And I hope I don’t read this and think I am a complete idiot =)

2011 Me

Well. I was really expecting whiny or depressing, but it was somewhat surreal to read that. I actually seemed happy then anyway, goal list or not. Just hopeful. I obviously write a lot, and I do like re-reading journal stuff I've written, but I've never written directly to my future self before, so it's kinda weird. So much has changed since then.

We do have our own house in the Durham area, I am working steady LTO's at schools I like. I did lose about 10 lbs for Irene's wedding (and looked pretty awesome in my bridesmaid dress). Mom had surgery and no longer has vertigo. Dad has moved on to cooking and baking. Nick still wants to go back to school, but that's still a ways away.

I'm not sure I completely don't care about what other people think of me, but I think that slowly gets better as I get older. I'm not sure I'm love having to let go of being 20-something, but no one ever really gets a choice on that one. I don't think I have a ton more self-confidence, but weight has always been the biggest contributor, and since I'm about 25 lbs heavier than when I wrote that... But I'm working on it. Everyone is a work in progress.

I guess the biggest thing is that I really did finish this list. I thought I'd give up, or leave it half finished like I always do. But I did. Perhaps there were modifications, and perhaps I procrastinated a lot, but I did it.

I feel like I should feel elated. Proud of myself. And I guess I do. But I thought it would feel amazing; it just feels ok. Each individual experience may have been amazing, but I thought I would feel much more having finished the list. But that's ultimately my next challenge to conquer; to stop explaining away why something I accomplish isn't really that great. "It's not THAT great that I finished the list, I changed some of the goals so that I could". I really have to stop doing that.

Anyway, definitely a goal worth having on any 101 list. It was rather enlightening.

This Is The Story Of A Girl

This is one goal I don't think I would repeat.

Some things made no sense to take a picture of, some things were difficult to take a picture of (without seeming like a total idiot). Some things, I didn't really have much to say about, other than "here, I did it".

But I did it. By the end, most of them were pretty lame. Not to mention I procrastinated (as always), so I had a ton to write at the end of the 1001 days. And that meant that some goals had been finished potentially more than a year ago, so I didn't necessarily remember all the finer details.

But here we are, I did it, I blogged about everything, and eventually became ok with screenshots for the computer related goals (taking pictures of my computer screen was NOT working out).

Show Me What It's Like To Be The Last One Standing

This was one of the best parts of my goal list: buying a pretty jar and throwing money in it every time I checked something off as complete. It was actually tough finding a jar I liked, but I'm really happy with the one I ended up with. If the light hits it, it's like a colourful disco ball. Love it.

It's taken me a really long time to decide what to spend my earned money on. I wanted it to be something significant, not just a day at the spa that I would soon forget. This list has been a really important part of my life and who I am, and I don't want to forget it too easily. I thought about getting a nice desk, because I've wanted a solid L desk for as long as I can remember. I figured if I got a good one, it would last many years. It turns out that a) desks are made like crap anymore, and b) decent ones border closer to $1200, not $500. Then I thought about re-doing my office: paint, furniture, accessories. But then if we ever move, it's gone. My best idea was to take all of my pictures from each goal, but it into a huge grid and get it turned into a plaqued or canvas poster. But that would pretty much eat ALL of the money (who knew it would be that expensive??), and it somehow felt rather anti-climactic.

As for my final decision... Well, I'll save that for when there are pictures =)

Who Will Save Your Soul If You Won't Save Your Own

This was a tricky one, because it was a bit of a paradox. If I completed every other goal on my list, I technically didn't have to donate anything, which meant I didn't actually complete the list because I wouldn't have completed this goal. Which meant I had to donate $3 for not completing it, which obviously completed it.

Ok, it wasn't that tricky, I think Nick just wanted to argue with his weird logic.

Then I figured I wouldn't take a picture, because what would I take a picture of? Me not donating to charity? Only slightly awkward... But of course if I didn't take a picture, it would mean that goal #61 (to take a photo and blog about each goal) would be incomplete, and, well, you see where this is heading.

So here is the end result. I didn't donate anything since I finished my list, including a photo (and a blog) of me not donating to charity.

Let The Wind Blow Through Me

This was another goal that got changed. Initially it was to lose 50 lbs. However, overall, I have just gained in the past few years. Once it got to the point that it wasn't even realistically possible, I realized I needed to make an adjustment that would still aim for weight loss success.

I tend to have a poor relationship with the scale. It tends to define my day; if I went down an acceptable amount, I was happy, if not, I was depressed (and often overate as a result). I decided to make myself go without the scale for a month. Generally the only time I avoided it was when I wasn't eating well at all and didn't want to know the damage. But I figured going a month while still trying to eat well, and not checking the scale would be good for.

I was kinda wrong. It's been really hard. I feel like I need to weigh-in at least once or twice a week to at least know if what I am doing is going well. It's like doing a science experiment without collecting any data. I feel like it hasn't been helpful in losing weight; I haven't had terrible days really, but we've eaten out more than last month, and I haven't been eating quite as SANE (which I did really well last month). At this point I will just be happy if I get to the end of the month maintaining my weight from the first of the month. Originally I was hoping to get under 200 (which would have been 8.4 lbs lost). It's going to be tough, but I will admit that at the very least, I learned that the best thing for me is to weigh-in every 3-4 days. I can keep track of how I'm doing without getting obsessive and writing off an entire day.

Would Be Jamming It Till The Brink Of Dawn

Yet another weight related goal that had to be adjusted.

Over the course of my 1001 days, my weight ranged from 175-218. At 5'4", not exactly a bikini body. So it wasn't going to happen.

I figured a fair exchange was completing the Blogilates Bikini Blaster Challenge. It's 7 workouts geared towards giving you that bikini body. And if you've ever done a Blogilates workout, you know it's no walk in the park.

I had intended to do it over the course of a week, but it got a bit spread out. But I finished it! Some workouts were much harder than others; one, I ran out of ideas on how to modify so that I could still do it, while others I could keep up.

Not exactly a bikini body just yet, but I'm working on it!