It Seems I'm Wide Awake In This Dream

I once dreamed about Sesame Street gone horribly wrong. I'm not kidding. It was even a re-occuring dream. It was basically one of two different nightmares I repetedly had as a child. By now the details are a little foggy and disjointed; really only fragments remain.

Big Bird was there, and some Muppet girl with pigtails. The jist of it is that we're walking down the street and someone (I can't remember whether it is me or not) steps in a wad of gum. The bad news is that the gum has something terribly wrong with it, either a needle jammed in it, or it's poisoned. Which if course means the need for immediate surgery. We get pulled into the building we happen to be standing in front of, which just looks like a corner convenience store downtown (not any particular one, just in general). Inside however is basically an operating room. Random Sesame Street characters are ready to operate on us. It basically feels like every scary surgery you've seen on TV; bright lights, scalpels, medical paraphanalia (things like IV bags, assuming I was old enough to piece that together).

I think I always woke up before surgery got too in depth, but it was always a startling dream. Maybe nightmare is a little strong though. But definitely weird. Somehow it never seems to ruin Sesame Street for me, nor am I terribly afraid of ever having to have surgery, so it wasn't all that damaging. I guess I just find it surprising that it stuck with me for so long.


Creative Writing Prompt #259: I once dreamed about...

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

(The following is something I wrote at school in mid-October, I just hadn't had a chance to get it typed up until now.)

I was driving to work this morning and on the on ramp to the highway, a girl sped by me on the right in the ending lane. She forced her way in front of me, forcing me to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting her as she cut me off. I honked my annoyance to her. In return, she rolled down her window and gave me the finger, checking her mirror to make sure I got the message before retracting her hand. The whole thing left me with an awful taste in my mouth and I am annoyed that I can’t stop thinking about it. I hated that I couldn’t stop letting myself feel lousy about it.

This summer, a somewhat similar occurrence that I couldn’t shake happened in downtown Toronto. Nick and I were venturing to MEC for the first time. Unfortunately there was a Jays game going on at the same time, so parking was non-existent. Anywhere. We decided to keep trying in the MEC parking lot, about 30 cramped underground spaces. We just kept circling, looking for someone leaving, but of course there was always several other cars doing the exact same thing. I finally decided to get out of the car and try to stand in a freed spot as it became open and wait for Nick to bring the car around to it. (We are not aggressive enough drivers to survive in Toronto!) So it wasn’t a terribly brilliant idea in any aspect, but we had been circling for parking for literally an hour. A car finally pulled out of a spot and I stood at the end of it. Nick was at the other end of the row but started to drive over to me. But of course another car got in front of him and wanted the spot. (I’ll point out that we had been waiting much longer in the parking lot than she had!) I politely told her I was holding the spot for my husband, who was right behind her and that we had been looking for parking for a long time (told you we would never survive in Toronto). She shrugged and said “So?” and inched closer into the spot I was standing in. Not being a fan of confrontation and sensing an impossible situation on my hands, I moved out of the spot. Not happily. I was incredibly irritated at her attitude more than anything, and noticing her 5(ish) year old in the back, sarcastically told her that she had a really nice attitude and to have a nice day with her son. I was furious. Was I in the right to be standing in a parking spot in a busy lot? Maybe not. But her attitude wasn’t exactly charitable to someone who was polite to her. Nor was my sarcastic comment particularly mature, but I was angry. Maybe she had been looking for parking for a while too, but I can’t imagine that if the roles were reversed that I would have done the same as her (again, Toronto=traffic death). I would probably be annoyed that I would still have to search for a spot, but I wouldn’t take that one. If I had been standing there for a while with no husband in sight, maybe. But Nick was just down the row, about 6 parking spots away. I truly don’t know what the ‘right’ action for either of us was, but the whole interaction put me in a horribly sour mood that I just could not shake for several days. I wasn’t proud of my own choices, but I didn’t think hers were fair either. And every now and then, particularly when things like this morning happen, I return to that sour feeling. Which brings me to my point of this long-winded diatribe.

Why do these useless feelings continue to haunt and plague me? I imagine partially because I feel somewhat guilty at instigating the situation; I shouldn’t have been standing in a parking spot, and I could have slowed down (on an on-ramp?!) to let the girl merge into my lane a bit less dramatically. But the reason I think I get so irate is because I fight with myself over what to do in society anymore. People are increasingly ride it seems, to perfect strangers, and part of me wants to let them know that they’ve done something impolite. Nick hates it, but I am prone to saying a very loud “You’re welcome!” when I hold a door for someone and don’t get the slightest nod or thank you. Do I do kind things for the recognition? No, of course not. I do them because I was raised to be polite and courteous. It seems that that’s not the norm anymore. I like treating people kindly and I like being considerate (or at least trying to be; none of this is an implication that I think I am perfect!). I don’t do it because I have to, I do it because I want to; I want to be that kind of person who is considerate of others. But that’s becoming increasingly hard to do anymore. It’s tough being the person that follows the so-called rules of society when everyone around you is breaking them. Or maybe the rules have changed, and I’m the one doing it all wrong.

Once I got into town, I was in a similar traffic scenario; someone wanted to merge from their ending lane into mine except they ran out of room. I slowed down a bit (wasn’t an on ramp this time) and was only somewhat cut off. But I felt much less irate than if I had sped up to try to prove him wrong and lost. (I didn’t get a thank you wave, but I didn’t get the finger either). The experiment was somewhat successful; I didn’t end up with irate feelings that will plague me months later, I was just mildly annoyed at the arrogant driver. The problem was that now I feel like a doormat. Anyone can take advantage of me because I’ll just step aside and follow the rules of politeness (apparently only as I see them) while you do whatever you want. And yet you’re the one that gets ahead.

So in the end, I’m torn. I feel like I have two options:

1. Continue the ‘good’ fight in attempting to win against (perceived) arrogant jerks who are neither courteous nor polite, and then feel like crap (often with residual feelings of general lousy-ness lasting for quite some time) when I invariable lose the battle, or
   
2. Give up and just step aside and ignore when someone does something that I think is rather socially unacceptable, feel like a doormat (albeit for a much shorter period of time) and continue to perpetuate the decline of a polite society.

I don’t see a winning option here. Thoughts?

Addendum 

December 14: 

I was certainly in a state when I wrote this, a bit melodramatic perhaps. I don’t revoke anything I said, but I am certainly willing to accept a bit more responsibility for these situations, rather than just blaming it on everyone else, who apparently I deem as so impolite.

I certainly believe that society has changed to be less polite. Are my interpretations of politeness always the right ones? I would assume not. Is it my job to ‘teach’ people how to be polite? Of course not. Should I just accept that people will be rude (based on my parameters)? I don’t know. That’s where I struggle. I don’t believe anyone should just have to sit by and let someone treat them poorly without putting up a fight, and when I hold a door open for you and you don’t say thank you at all, I see it that you’ve treated me poorly.

It's Coming On Christmas, They're Cutting Down Trees

(This was actually written with good old pencil and paper while at school November 25th.)

My poor neglected blog. My poor neglected goals. But fortunately not my poor neglected weight; my 60 day challenge has me down to 169.0 lbs. And I’m really liking that. 

As for the neglect, I’ve been insanely busy and fairly stressed over the last few weeks (months?). Training with Natasha kept me busy until a few weeks ago, but then add in organizing a float for the Santa Claus parade for the first time, hosting a book club meeting/Christmas party, and all the other Christmas events I like to do, and life has been purely chaotic. I am anxiously awaiting December 5^th, because it will all be over, including the 5km Santa Shuffle I signed up for, which falls on the morning of the parade. I know the stress is all self-induced, because other than the father-imposed float, I do it all of my own choice. But what’s life if you’re not busy? But after thinking about the last year and how crazy it’s been, I am truly looking forward to my two weeks off to do nothing but relax and be stress free, no plans, no commitments. It will be much needed. I won’t know what to do with myself. Although I’m planning on lots of cooking, reading and exercising. Here’s a recap of my crazy year:

Jan – plenty of supply at my fave high school

Feb – start extended supply at said high school; lasts until June

Jul – two weeks of summer school at same high school, two weeks at a local school

Aug – trip out east, several camping trips

Sept – start extended supply again at same school

Nov – extended supply (finally) becomes an official LTO

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all been good stuff that has kept me busy. But maybe it will be nice to have some time without prepping math classes from scratch and adding all my crazy weekend adventures to the mix. I’ll let you know.

As for my 60 day challenge, it apparently was just the thing I needed, despite my initial hesitation. I was having a hard time sticking to my weight loss plan for an extended period of time; I would do well for a week or two, lose some weight, then abandon the healthy eating for a few days and basically undo all the hard work I had done. I followed that pattern for a year; the end of last November I was at 169.0 at WW. I gained 10 lbs over Christmas and spent the majority of this year trying to get rid of those 10 lbs. So here I am, at the end of November again, and just where I was 365 days ago. I was getting frustrated at paying WW and a gym membership, for working so hard 75% of the time and yet not really progressing. The 75% effort wasn’t working well enough (probably because the not-so-good 25% was really bad). So I decided to enlist myself in a 60 day challenge. 

The rules are fairly simple; follow WW points strictly, measuring and tracking everything. If I go over in points (including my weekly points) I have one week to ‘earn’ those points back with exercise. If I didn’t, I had to give up completing one of my goals. That is a pretty intense consequence; I have no intention of leaving a single goal incomplete, and if I had to purposely not do one (or more!) I would be furious with myself. Nick was nervous too; one uncorrected week and I would have failed the challenge AND failed my goal list, and I would be a very big depressed mess that he would be cleaning up. I won’t lie, I wasn’t sure I could do it either, especially over Christmas. But it’s Day 21 and it’s going well. I’ve yet to use all my weekly points (and I aim to keep it that way) and I finally broke back into the 160’s (my visit to 169 after the cabbage soup diet was incredibly brief). 

Even though the worst of the holiday food is yet to come, I have confidence that I can make it work, and if I can make this work during the most food-obsessed month of the year, then I can easily make it work forever. I can easily see that for a regular week, it would be easy to eat well; it’s the weeks with more than one ‘event’ that become a challenge. This weekend will be tough; a baby shower, followed by a friend’s birthday dinner at The Keg, followed by Nick’s and my now-annual Christmas picnic. That’s a lot of difficult food choices. I’ve already perused The Keg’s  nutritional info online, and it was very difficult finding a reasonable meal choice. If it was the only food ‘event’ of the week, I could splurge a bit, but being only 1 of 3, I’m trying to be conservative. Which I think is smart and how people ‘normally’ eat; not like my old eating habits where every occasion was ‘special’ and meant a full out splurge no matter how many events came up.

If You Ask Me How I'm Doing I Would Say I'm Doing Just Fine

In the end, the cabbage soup diet was a success. I did indeed survive the whole week, and although the soup itself dropped off my menu early in the week, I still lost 7 lbs. I know I'll go back up a bit this week once I go back to normal eating again, but hopefully it helped me break through the wall I was up against. I'm feeling pretty good about myself nd even wore a pair of pants that I haven't work in years, a size 10! Pretty exciting.

My training sessions are coming to an end soon; I have 5 sessions left. I don't mind really. Although I like what they have done for me, and Natasha has been great, I really don't enjoy them anymore. At first it was hard work, but I looked forward to going. Now it just feels like torture and I don't really enjoy any part of it. Don't get me wrong, I expect a workout to be challenging. But dreading them is not good for progress I don't think. I'm not sure where the switch happened, like I said, Natasha has been fantastic. I think part of it is that with strength training, you do want to take your muscles to fatigue, which means you "fail" at some point, and my brain has a hard time digesting that. I like that my stomach is flatter, my arms smaller, and my clothes fit better. I like that I can almost touch my toes. I don't want to lose any of that, but I don't want to continue the personal training. And I think our wallet is ok with that!

My next challenge... the Halloween party this weekend. It's where I always fall apart, once there is lots of food around me and I can't control my environment. I imagine there will be lots of chocolate bars, lots of snack foods and lots of desserts. It's going to be tough, but I really want to do well this time. The last few times I have faced tough situations, I have floundered, and then felt poorly about myself afterwards. This time I would like to come home and feel proud of the choices I made.

And The Drum Beat Carries On

I've been stuck for a while, the last couple of weeks I guess, weight-wise. I got down to 171.8 lbs, so very close to the elusive 160's, but kept bouncing up and down between that and 175, because I kept eating things I knew I shouldn't. We were out of town for a wedding, then out of town for a housewarming party, and my control over meals was gone, which seemed to mean my self-control was also gone. This morning I was back up to 176.4 lbs (ah!) but I also started the infamous cabbage soup diet today.

If you are unfamiliar with this diet, check it out here. Basically, you eat unlimited amounts of cabbage soup all week, and each day is certain additional foods. It is only intended to be done for one week. I've tried it before, a couple of times even in high school, but I don't know if I ever actually finished a whole week. It was always purely for weight loss purposes. This time, it is partially weight loss, but also largely as a cleanse. I started to feel not so great after eating less healthy food for a few days. And I desperately needed to get back on track. The cabbage soup diet includes more than enough fruits and veggies, so it seemed like a good way to kick start myself into action.

I'm not loving the cabbage soup itself, but it seems to be filling so I tend to space out while I'm eating it and I don't even notice how it tastes. I was surprisingly not hungry at any point today, although I made sure I had lots of snacks handy. Besides soup, today I could eat as much fruit as I wanted, except bananas. I had apples, an orange, blueberries, grapes and a grapefruit. And a frozen fruit slushie after dinner. Tomorrow will be a bit tougher; soup and vegetables. How on earth do you have a breakfast of just vegetables?? Not to mention that it's parent teacher interview tomorrow night, so I'll be at school until quite late. The good news is that tomorrow is baked potato day, so I have one cooked and packed to take with me to school for dinner, along with roasted broccoli and green beans, baby carrots, orange pepper, and of course soup. And hopefully this insanity will be worth it by the end of the week!

Love Is Better Than Chocolate

My friend Shop Girl went 14 months without eating chocolate. She is a brave, brave woman. I figured I could handle a month. And that I did, for the month of September. (Notice I chose a month with 30 days; I would have gone with February but with Valentine's Day....)

Goal # 73 required me to stay away from my favourite food group for a month, and it actually wasn't too bad. There were very few occasions where I was tempted, and just knowing it was completely off the table as an option made it surprisingly easy to say no to.

In actuality, I had chocolate twice during September, but I didn't count them as a strike against me, and I think with good reason. The first time happened at a Weight Watchers meeting. I had weighed in and was just waiting for the meeting to start. At 6:45 p.m and not having had dinner yet, I was hungry so I dug through my purse for gum or a mint, and found a lovely mint from St. Hubert. It was delightful until I realized it was one of those mint-chocolate candies. Strike 1. But was I about to throw away 2 weeks of abstinence over an accidental mint? Hardly. But I did feel really bad about it. Later in the month, I was at M & M Meats and needed a dessert for book club. They had bite-size samples of their Lemonicious Lemon Squares, so I tried one. They were really delicious, so I bought a box. Once I got home and had a closer look at the ingredients, I realized that the topping actually contained white chocolate. I would have never known by taste. Strike 2. But I again was not going to count an accidental encounter with something that did not taste at all like my vice. That and I don't actually enjoy white chocolate usually. Bottom line: goal completed.

October 2 and I baked some Chocolate Pumpkin Muffins. (Mix a box of Devil's Food cake mix with a can of pumpkin. Bake. My kind of recipe). The month was over; bring on the chocolate!

Something, Something About The Chase

Two Fridays ago, Nick and I celebrated a new holiday: Goal # 99. Being September 23rd, we celebrated the Autumnal Equinox. (hey, it's tough finding holidays I don't already celebrate!)

I found a bit of information on how it's celebrated in Japan, but not much, so I kinda created my own version of the holiday. Like in Japan, I decided to honour family memebrs no longer with us and visited my grandparents gravesite. That was about the extent of my Japanese celebration; the rest was my own doing.

I had spent some time at the dollar store and Michaels and got some festive fall decorations and some orange twinkle lights. The scene was set. I planned fall recipes for the entire day: I started with oatmeal for breakfast, a broccoli salad for lunch and a spectacular apple dinner.  We had Maple Baked Apple Chicken (fantastic), Roasted Harvest Vegetables (needs more seasoning) and Caramel-Apple Pudding Cake (also fabulous). Since it was the night before my 10km race, we spent a quiet evening in watching the season premiere of Fringe. Overall a pretty perfect night, and a holiday I wouldn't mind celebrating again. It was nice to have a low-stress (read: not Thanksgiving) autumn celebration before the orange feelings of fall fade into Halloween decorations.

Sometimes All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe

I've got some goal-blogging to catch up on!

Although this past weekend was consumed by my 10km race, the weekend before included some goals too.

First off, I tried another new food! Our local Price Chopper recently changed over to Fresh Co., and now has a LOT of different types of produce for me to try, so I picked up a breadfruit. I took it home, cut it up and roasted it in the oven. It was ... interesting. If anything, kind of bland. But I had a tough time finding info about it online, so I had no idea how to tell if it was perfectly ripe, and I didn't have much of an idea of how to cook it, so I wouldn't write it off entirely, but I wouldn't cook it again myself. Only two more foods to go for goal #70!

Nick and I attempted to go for a VW Beetle test drive, but it wasn't entirely successful. We had a tough time getting time to go to begin with last weekend, but we managed to squeeze it in only to discover they had none in stock. Only a used tan convertible was on the lot, and someone else was already climbing in as we got there. I wasn't too happy with the salesperson; when I said I was interested in a Beetle, he automatically assumed I wanted a used one. I know I'm being stupid, since we obviously weren't actually looking to buy (but he didn't know that!), but I was insulted. Surely he should know better than to pre-judge people. I know VW's are more expensive cars, and I suppose we don't wear high designer clothes nor are we very old, but it really bothered me that he assumed we couldn't afford a new car just by the look of us. Whether it's true or not, I would think that a good salesperson would never judge someone based on appearance or age or any other visible trait. And as childish as it might sound, if I ever actually buy a VW, it won't be from him. If he's willing to judge me based on a split-second glance, then I'm going to assume he is not very good at his job and why would I want to buy a car from someone who isn't very good at their job? Yes, it's petty, and yes I over-analyze stupid little things, but something about it just irked me. He took my info down and promised to call when the new model made it to the lot. I doubt I will hear from him. I may have to go out of town to get my VW test-drive at this rate.

Luckily I actually managed to complete a full goal last weekend. Nick and I went for a nice morning hike and I got in a nice tree hug, goal #91. And who doesn't love hugging a tree?

I'm Counting Sheep But Running Out

Well, here I am, on the other side of my very first 10k run! It was a crazy experience and even crazier is that I want to do it again next year. Goal #32 completed.

Nick and I spent Friday night at home (completing another goal, but more on that another day) and I was headed to bed by 11. We were up by 5:30am since we had to be at the Toronto Zoo for check-in by 7:15. We left in the dark but it was nicely cool and overcast when we arrived. My stomach was immediately queasy; with over 2000 participants, the parking lot was really busy, and most people seemed like much more 'official' runners than I felt (that translates to mean better running gear, water bottle packs, and many people warming up with laps around the lot). I grew more and more nervous; I felt so out of place. I didn't belong at a race like that. So I thought.

I checked in, got my time-chip bib on and my swag bag stashed in the car, had a pre-run bathroom break (nothing worse than having to pee after 2 kms) and had nothing to do but simmer and and get progressively more scared for about half an hour. It's a good thing Nick is so encouraging, cause it was mildly tempting to just leave. The first wave was set to leave at 8:15 and just before then I suddenly realized I had forgotten chapstick. As small of a thing as it was, I knew how uncomfortable chapped lips can be on a long run, so Nick headed back to the car to grab some for me. But then that first wave took off, and oh my were they were off FAST. All I could hear was the slapping of their feet on the pavement, it was almost surreal. The second wave left and then I started to get jittery. It seemed like Nick was taking way too long, and I couldn't imagine having to start the race without him being there nearby. I was literally almost panicking. The nerves of doing such a monumental thing for me, and him potentially not being there had me all riled up. But of course he made it back to me in time and walked up to the starting line with me, and I felt better as the seconds ticked closer to my 8:30 start time. With a quick hug and good luck kiss, the horn blew and I had to go.

I wasn't a fan of the claustrophobic feeling running in a pck left me with, but I figured at my slow speed, people would separate away from me fairly quickly. Like most of my runs, it took me a while to get into my comfortable groove, but it was even tougher to watch all these people pass me. I had no expectations of being fast compared to anyone else, but it's just visually de-motivating to watch sooo many people go by faster. By the 1km mark, the masses were far enough ahead of me and by the 2km mark I was finally comfortable.

I was surprised by how many people walked, and by how much they walked throughout the run. Even by the first km, people were walking. But not me, I was definitely the tortoise in that race, I wasn't going to stop, not for anything.

There were moments were I thought I wasn't going to make it, there were moments where I got a good spurt of energy and felt like I could run forever. Kms 5-7 were tough, but km 8 seemed really long. I was basically alone with no one even around by km 4, and I was quite ok with that. I ran by a zebra, an elephant, yaks, monkeys, pink flamingoes, giraffes, and camels. Luckily I spotted Nick twice throughout the run; there wasn't too many spots for people to watch runners go by. But there was 3 water spots, and each one had a long line of volunteers cheering. It was strange to hear strangers chanting my name (maybe that's why they print your name on the bibs).

Once I hit km 9, I knew I had about three songs left on my iPod. I had spent km 8 trying to pass a man ahead of me, and I was slowly closing the gap. I didn't know if there was really anyone left behind me, and I really didn't want to come in last again. Coming in last at the try-a-tri just diminished my feelings of accomplishment and I didn't want to suffer that again. So as I passed that 9 km marker, I turned it on. I ran past 5 people by the time I rounded the corner to the finish line. And I sprinted over that finish line with what little energy I had left. It was pretty cool to hear my name announced over the microphone. My legs were jello and I just kept walking. I was handed my finisher's medal, but I still had to keep walking. It was a terrible set-up at the finish in that spectators were nowhere nearby. I had to keep walking around a bunch of tents and walls before I could even remotely find Nick. I think he was as disappointed as I was that he didn't get to actually watch me cross the finish line. But I had done it, I had finished the race. I had crossed at 1:45 but we realized that must be from the beginning of the first wave, so we guessed that I had ran about 1:35. I would check online later for my actual time.

I wish I could remember every moment, every thought from the run, because it was such an amazing experience for me. Never in a million years would I ever have thought I would run in a 10km, let alone finish it and not walk for a single step. I had 3 goals for my run: first was to run the entire thing. I did that. Second, I didn't want to come in last. I came in 2100 of 2201 runners. Goal acheived. Lastly, I wanted to finish it in less than an hour and a half. My time was 1:29:56. I did it.

Words can't really explain how huge this accomplishment is for me. I'm not a runner. I'm not athletic. But maybe I am. I mean I must be, I just ran a 10km race.

Dreams, That's Where I Have To Go

I'm feeling really stressed lately, like there are just too many things on my plate right now. So tonight I'll be short, but I felt like I had to post that I have finished a couple of goals last weekend, will finish another two this weekend, and another 2 more by next weekend! So there will be lots of posts and pictures coming really soon!

Saturday is race day, and I really just can't wait until it's over. I feel so ill-prepared and I'm afraid I won't be able to finish the race, and I know I will be really disappointed in myself if I can't. I'm just hoping that the training has helped where I haven't been running as much.

You Make Me This, Bring Me Up, Bring Me Down

I have another goal completed!

For the last week, I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. Something I usually try to avoid. But every morning and every night I stood in front of the mirror with just my underwear on (sorry for the mental image) and recited the following mantra (as lengthy of a mantra that it is) and then found something about my body that I liked.

I am smart enough

I am good enough

I am confident enough

I am resourceful enough

I am strong enough

I am capable enough

I have absolute faith in myself

I have a dream and I will do whatever it takes to make it come alive

I will turn the impossible into possible

I will never give up

I will not crumble under even the greatest of life’s challenge

I will assume 100% responsibility for my own life

I will expect nothing but the best of myself

I am willing to pay the price to succeed

I will embrace failures

I will conquer my fears

I don’t care what other people think

People will judge me based on what I have achieved, but I will judge myself based on what I believe I can achieve

I will love, respect, and accept myself for who I am

I will have the courage to change what needs to be changed

No, I didn't write it, Google is a wonderful thing after all.  But I really did find it empowering, and I often ended up repeating it a couple of times afterwards; it would just stick in my head. And I spent the last week feeling pretty good about my accomplishments. So I would say mission accomplished and goal achieved.

Tell Me What's Your Favorite Color

The good news is that the scale finally seems to be budging downwards; 176.0 lbs this morning! My goal was 172 by the end of September, which is perhaps unlikely, but close. There is still slight hope to be under 170 by the wedding Thanksgiving weekend! It really is exciting to see the changes in my body, even if the numbers don't necessarily match.

I'm more and more nervous about next weekend's race. While the training has been keeping me fit, I know it's not going to make me a better runner exactly, and I haven't ran much in over 2 months. But I'm hoping to get out, if only for a short run, tomorrow. And again Saturday and Sunday. All I want is to finish the race, I want to run the whole thing, no walking!

You Know How The Time Flies, Only Yesterday Was The Time Of Our Lives

The first week of school was sheer chaos. I was up at 6:30 am and had school on the brain until 11:00 pm every night. It was completely exhausting. I'm teaching 3 courses I've never taught before (other than in summer school) and it's a lot of planning. And I'm trying to keep up with the other teachers who are teaching the same course, except they have years more of experience. I love what I'm doing, but it was a long and stressful week. I hope things calm down a bit once I get into routine.

Training has been going well, I've been working my butt off and pushing myself harder and harder. I'm still disappointed with the numbers on the scale though. I'm still around 178 lbs every day, despite eating very well and exercising almost every day. I'm enjoying the changes I'm seeing and feeling in my body, but am just baffled by the lack of results by the numbers. Even my measurements haven't changed that significantly for how hard I have been working over the last couple of weeks. I'm working on my two goals of no chocolate or eating out for a month, and I have been bang on with my diet. It's just frustrating to change my habits so much, and not see the results you are working towards. I feel like I'm doing everything right, and still failing. But it's not like I'm going to stop at this point; I still have 19 more training sessions! I just hope it ends up being worth it, one way or another.

I completed another goal last night though! My oldest friend is getting married on Thanksgiving weekend and last night was the bachelorette party. We started off with a pole dancing lesson, goal # 45! It was fabulous. It was such a workout, but you don't really think about it (even though I was dripping with sweat) because you are trying to get the moves down, and trying not to giggle at how awkward you feel in front of everyone. I really wish there was a decent place in town to take more classes, because I really enjoyed it; not really surprising, since I always love dance type classes. We got to practice our moves later at the bar (ok, not really, but we had a great night).

Words Can't Say It, I Can't Do Enough To Prove It's All For You

With very few runs in my last few weeks, I decided to tackle a good long run this morning. I ventured out on my original 5 km route to see just how far I could run. Unfortunately in the last 2 months I have only ran intervals of no more than 5 minutes, so it wasn't long before I was feeling low on motivation to keep on going. Although I have always felt that music was a very powerful tool for motivation, I really proved it to myself today, because it was the songs in my playlist that carried me through my 8.5 km run today.

Most notably, All For You by Sister Hazel. I've loved this song since it appeared on Now 3 in 1998 (for those of you that aren't familiar with this album, check it out here. Love it.) And somewhere in the early half of my run, it popped into my headphones. My split-second thought was to think of Nick, that I do the things I do for the love of my life. Which is very true. But not an instant later, I realized that this run, and everything else on this fitness and weight loss journey, should be for ME, not anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I've never been losing weight for Nick, or anybody else, it's always been my own desire. It just really dug in today when that song came on. And the lyrics took on a different meaning once they became about my own inner challenges. I don't think I ever felt so... intrinsic, for lack of a better word. It was a good feeling, and I feel like it's partially stemming from the personal training, and putting on a really sincere push to lose weight.

Speaking of personal training... being the holiday, I didn't meet with Natasha today, but she told me I could go in myself and go through a similar routine. Not wanting to face her Wednesday and have to tell her I didn't do it, I trekked in to the gym after my 80 minute run to go through a circuit of weights and cardio. Yes, I am certifiably insane.

Here are a few other songs that I really enjoyed on my run today. They aren't necessarily the best for tempo or helping keep step, I just found them encouraging and motivating, whether it was the lyrics or just the general mood of the song.

The Crow and The Butterfly - Shinedown
Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve
Sail - AWOLNATION
Savin' Me - Nickelback
We Will Rock You - Nickelback
Life - Our Lady Peace
Nine In The Afternoon - Panic At The Disco

It's Been A While, Since I First Saw You

I seem to have lost the umph for writing lately! The summer seems to have simply run away from me in so many ways.

I missed logging a goal! Well, part of a goal. As one of my new foods to try, I made spaghetti using tofu shirataki! Yes, they are noodles made of tofu, but they were surprisingly a decent swap. And they are 0 WW Points! The texture is the biggest thing to contend with as there isn't really a strong taste to them. But for 0 points, it was quite a good replacement. I say they are well worth the try. Even Nick liked them, and he cringes at the thought of anything tofu. For more info, check them out here. They are available at Sobey's and Metro, wherever you find all those other tofu replacement stuff like hot bogs, burgers, and deli meats.

(Even if it was July 13th that I tried... shame on me for taking so long to write about it)

I've been keeping up with my reading goals; since those lists are pretty long, I think it will just be one post per entire goal, not per book. But I am enjoying diversing my reading choices. And I have been taking photos of each book to create a collage of them when I am all done, so I can still see the progress I've made.

Things are going well with Natasha, although we stepped it up A LOT today. I can't believe I now have 7 weeks of pain and torture to endure! Ok, I feel great afterwards, and it's not really painful, but it is certainly tough pushing your body beyond what you thought you could. I haven't been too happy with my weight this week; I have been tracking really well, staying on plan, and going to the gym, as well as getting in an extra workout or two on top of that. And yet I've been fluctuating the ounces within 178 lbs all week. It's frustrating to work so hard and nothing happens, especially so early on in my (latest) weight loss journey. I would really like to see the 160's by Thanksgiving since I am in a wedding that weekend and have a beautiful bridesmaids dress headed my way. But that's 9 lbs and only 5 weeks, and with progress this slow on the scale, it's not looking good. However, I think if I keep at it, there is no reason I shouldn't see an unfamiliar weight by the New Year! (I considered anything under 163 unfamiliar, as that is the lowest number I can distinctly and positively recall seeing on a scale, and that was 6 years ago when I lived in Japan!)

Today Is Gonna Be The Day That They're Gonna Throw It Back To You

As my trainer had suggested, I took to the hills for my run today. According to this cute app I have on my phone, I ran 8 km in 50 minutes! That's pretty exciting (although likely untrue).

Today is my first fresh day. I weighed in at Weight Watchers last night at 179.0 lbs (up 5.5 lbs from the last time I weighed in, about a month ago). I haven't quite yet gotten into the 170's on my scale at home though. But it is what it is, a starting point.

Skip To The Ending, Who'd Like To Know, Author Of The Moment, Can You Tell Me How It Ends

Catching up...

Friday was my first training session with Natasha. I was really nervous, for many reasons. A few years ago, I went to a trial training session at the YMCA. I picked one of the trainers who, from her profile, I really admired. She gave me a good long workout, almost an hour. She was ok, she chatted with other people while waiting for me to finish sets, and didn't really pay much attention to correcting my form or anything, but I didn't know anything about what personal training should be like so I just tried my hardest and kept on pushing. It was a tough workout, and I worked very hard. And the next morning, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't walk. Nick had to help me pick up some crutches, I was in that much pain. And I am not a wuss when it comes to pain. It was really that bad. I was on crutches for 5 days. I called the gym to talk to the trainer about what I should do, wondering what happened. She made me feel like it was entirely my fault, that I clearly wasn't in good enough shape or well enough prepared/informed to have done that kind of workout (wait a minute... isn't that her job to adapt a workout suited for me personally??) and she didn't offer me any real solution other than I should have stretched more after the workout (which I had done anyway). Then she went on to explain that if I was going to continue with exercise, I needed to adapt to some soreness. I may have been reading between the lines a little too willingly, but she basically told me to suck it up. Not too pleased with that response, I contacted her manager. She proceeded to tell me if I was unhappy with the training session, I should have picked a different trainer. The woman I had chosen was known for her tough workouts, and I should have gone with a trainer more suited to my needs and not such a high-intensity one. I was offered a free session with a different trainer, but the manager also seemed to hold a lot of disdain for my situation. Again, maybe hearing what I projected onto the situation, I felt nothing but contempt for the poor fat and unfit girl who couldn't handle a workout. I ended my membership at the Y shortly thereafter.

Already knowing Natasha and her style of workouts soothed me somewhat in that regard, but I was more so worried about my performance. I didn't want to be the person who could only do 80 lbs on the leg press while everyone else started at 150. I truly did not want to be embarassed. Which is odd, because you would think that a good trainer would not make you feel inadequate, no matter how you preform, as long as you try your hardest (and no, she did not make me feel like I didn't do well. I also did 190 lbs on the leg press, but that's not the point =)

In the end, it all went well. It actually lasted about 45 minutes; we went through a full body workout on the weight machines and did core and back exercises and stretches on the mat afterwards. She had me do 10-15 minutes of cardio on my own time before we started. My next session is tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it. I was sore on Saturday, but nothing debilitating and nothing I wouldn't expect from a good workout.

In other exciting news, I got a call on Thursday to teach again at the school I was at last semester, filling in for the same teacher, for the month of September and possibly longer. The fact that they have now asked me back is such good news; I must have done something right. I will be teaching math again, I think grade 9's and 10's this time, which will be very different from my 11's and 12's of last semester. But summer school has made me at least a bit familiar with the curriculum, so I'm in not too bad of shape to start. I hope it just keeps on extending; teaching is definitely right where I should be.

The summer seems to have disappeared; we just got back from a weekend of camping (in 4 different storms I might add) and our last two weekends of summer are already filled. I feel like I had so much planned for this summer, and haven't done a thing. I wish I had've gotten more of my goals done, but summer school made July a faceless blur. At least I've been reading from my book lists; I just finished A Thousand Splendid Suns (from my fiction list) and it was a great (and sad) story, and am currently reading from my non-fiction list, The End of Food, which is also a riveting read that I am hoping will change my feelings and perceptions on food and help gear me towards better and healthier eating.

At least I have 919 days left to get wroking on all the others!

There's Room Enough To Fly, It's Never Easy Letting Go

Mantra for today: No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.

I finally got a run in, the first in 2 weeks, and sadly only the second in a month. And race day approaches. But September 24th happens whether I am ready for it or not. So I better get moving if I want to finish that race.

Having gained 10 lbs over our vacation and avoided running for so long, today was a tough go, but I did finish it, week 2 of the 10k training. I felt very heavy and clumsy, but I got through it.

So I suppose I am crying wolf yet again today, and perhaps there really will be a beastly creature lurking in the shadows this time (or at least that's the hope). By starting with a run and a good breakfast, I'm off on the right foot. I know I need a somewhat different approach, and I'm not entirely sure what that is yet, but I think I need to stress less about long term planning and structure and just take things day by day. I would notoriously plan for the next few months, pick a deadline, and then fall apart when things veered slightly off-track, and all was lost. Maybe if I focus on small accomplishments and goals I would fare better. Other than that.... well, we'll see how it goes. I weighed in at 183.2 lbs this morning, here's hoping the 170s aren't too far away...

One Way Or Another, I'm Gonna Find Ya, I'm Gonna Getcha

Our weekend in PEI was simply fantastic; Charlottetown was an amazing city and I wish we had've had more time to spend there. My sister-in-law was the best tour guide we could have asked for in Halifax; we did some cheesy touristy things but also saw some great parks and beaches that we never would have found without her. It was nice to get home (especially after 20some hours of driving) but it was a really great vacation so I am sad that it's over. But also nice to attempt to get back to a calm reality that doesn't include summer school or intense last minute vacation planning.

Not so shockingly, I gaind a fair bit of weight over our trip. The scale showed me a sad 183.0 this morning. I'm not surprised, nor I seem to be jumping right back to healthy eating since I've been home; I've still been eating chips and chocolate in excess. I feel ready to start a new push of determination (I even went to a personal trainer consultation this morning, but more on that in a bit) but I'm really starting to feel like the boy who cried wolf and I can't even take myself seriously. So many times I have declared this the "last" time, this time I will finally be successful, this time will be different, this time I will stick with it and reach all of my goals. And nobody should believe me when I say it today, why would they? I don't even believe myself. And that's the problem; how can I succeed when I already assume I will fail, just like I have every other time? And I think that's why I am having a tough time getting back on track. Why bother? I know how it's going to end. Honestly, why would this time be any different than the hundreds of other times I've tried? There's nothing new here, there's no new tips and tricks up my sleeve, no secret diet or food or exercise regime to blast me through to my goal weight.

I still feel like I could give it a good go (yet again), but it's embarassing at this point. It's like I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I don't even know how it's embarassing, because the only people that really know about my million and one ventures is Nick. There are a few other people who know bits and pieces, like my parents perhaps. But I find it's even an embarassment to myself, and I don't know how to get past that.

As for my personal trainer consultation, I am all set for 6 sessions of one-on-one fitness. I'm really looking forward to it. My trainer's name is Natasha* and I went to many of her group fitness classes last summer; she was by far my favourite instructor. So I am really looking forward to working out with her. And I think I will really benefit from being accountable; I try to hard to blend into the crowd at Weight Watchers. I need someone to push me and make my choices matter. Hopefully this does that.

All I Wanna See Is A Sky Full Of Lighters

My poor ignored blog.

We've been in Halifax for a couple of days now and it's been a fantastic vacation. Nick's sister has been a fabulous hostess and showed us so many cool things around the city. The only downside has been the weather; torential rain on Monday, and on and off rain the rest of the week. At the very least, it looks like it might be nice for our weekend in PEI.

I think it will be time to make some changes when we get home from vacation. I am thoroughly exasperated that I have essentially not lost any weight at all this year. I have a personal training consultation next Wednesday at the gym, and hopefully that will spark me into action. I really would like to be at a happier weight by my birthday so that I can enjoy my last year of the 20's as a fit and sexy chick. I have this vision in my head that once you hit 30, any attempt to look sexy just makes you seem sad and pathetic (ie the scary cougar phenomenon), and I don't want to be that woman. So I need to be thin for my 29th birthday so I can at least enjoy a full year of sexiness without feeling gross about it. (Hey, I never said my mind actually made perfect sense)

Oh, and for anyone ever venturing out east, Halifax is a great city, very scenic, totally worth the trip. It's hard not to love being surrounded by water everywhere you go (at least the water that is already on the ground and not falling from the sky)

All The Other Kids With Their Pumped Up Kicks, You Better Run

Yes, I got back to running yesterday. I finally started the Freeway to 10k training. But it will be crammed into the next month and a half because I am going on vacation! July was a month of pure chaos due to summer school, and so far August has yet to simmer down; last weekend we were on a 3 day portaging trip (that was a lot of fun, despite me being sick) and tomorrow morning we leave bright and early for a trip that takes us through Québec City, then to Halifax, then a couple of days in PEI. I am happy to be going on a trip with Nick; neither of us have been out east before, so I think we will enjoy it, plus we will be visiting Nick's sister, who moved out there last fall. However, I will be very glad to get back to a life that is a little less insane and rushed. I feel like I've been sprinting since mid-June, and it will only calm down, just in time for school to start again. And at this point, I have no idea what I will be doing come September.

I know I've been promising more posts, and they are coming, I just won't promise when. I will try to get a couple up while we are gone, but I'm not sure what my internet access will be (and I am loathe to type up a post on my new smartphone). But it will come, in time, all good things, yada yada yada.

We leave in 12 hours!

It Would Be So Nice, If We Took A Holiday

Summer school is over!!

Still not gonna get a long post from me yet though; we leave early tomorrow morning for a portage trip (yea long weekend!) so lots of packing and prep to do tonight.

But next week brings long posts, I promise!!

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell, I Know Right Now You Can't Tell

No, I have not dropped off the face of the Earth. Summer school almost got the best of me last week. There is so much going on, I am busy working on school stuff until pretty much bedtime, I went a week with no meals planned, just winging it every night (and survived, but barely). Fortunately this is the last week of school, but then we are gone for the long weekend on a portage trip. So I will try to get a decent update posted before then (and yes, I realize I have still yet to post my last goal activity) and get back into writing more regularly. Stick with me, I'll be back soon!

I Don't Wanna Wait For Our Lives To Be Over

Yes, that means I have brought out my Dawson's Creek for a re-viewing... Yes I own all 6 seasons on DVD... Yes I was one of those girls who loved James van der Beek when she was 15... but I grew up and realized that Joshua Jackson is soo much better! It's a nostalgia thing. I apparently have some strange obsession with high school, that must be why I can't get away from it in any sense.


Round 1 of summer school is over, and the last couple of days were 100% filled with work. Between planning an entire semester crammed into 8 days for 3 different courses, then marking all their work with a impossibly quick turn-around time, I am absolutely beat. And I get to do it all again starting Monday! At least I will already have materials for these classes, just one new course (if things go as planned).

Tonight I am relaxing after baseball, and I can't wait. Which means you will have to wait until tomorrow to hear about the new food I tried last night... it comes Hungry Girl recommended so stay tuned!

If You Had One Shot, Or One Opportunity, To Seize Everything You Ever Wanted, One Moment, Would You Capture It?

The job market is tough right now. Has that become a cliché?

I don't know if I chose teaching, or teaching chose me, it's just always been the underlying thing I wanted to do. Which means I am now trying to break into a very difficult job market. I've been at it for 2 years, and it's been an uphill battle. The key really just seems to be patience; that, and hoping more people would retire!

I graduated from teacher's college in June 2009, and it wasn't until that November that I finally got onto a supply list. Sadly, it was a school board that I do not live in, it's to the west; the closest school is 45 minutes away. There was no real job in sight. The local Catholic board seems to have blackballed me for some reason, and the local public board keeps posting and retracting job openings for the supply list, plus I've been told they won't hire you if you live right in the city - too many people already on the list won't travel to outlying areas to supply teach.

In April 2010, I got onto another school board supply list, this one north-west of my area, and with only 3 high schools. I had a promising interview for a short-term job that I didn't get because they had already had someone else in mind, then supply taught in the school steady for a couple of months, and then suddenly I seemed to have just dropped off their phone list. Then I heard that the board had hired more supply teachers, even though many weren't getting much work to begin with. I haven't worked in that board since January.

Last summer, a friend gave me the heads up that the local public board (that she had magically managed to get a permanent job with, I have no idea how) was desperate for summer school math teachers. I jumped at the chance and taught 4 weeks of summer school at a school 45 minutes away, albeit in my local board. I thought for sure that it was my chance to get my foot in the door and be added to the supply list. Surely if they would hire me to teach summer school, I could be added relatively easy to the supply list. At the very least, the next time they were hiring. But once I got to class, I realized many of the summer school teachers worked in other boards; they could not get into this board on a regular basis. One man had taught in the private school system for 15 years and they would not hire him for the supply list. I still had hope, but in the end, all I got was my paycheck. I don't scoff at that, but I had high hopes that after a year and half of harassing the HR department, I finally had a shot. I got a good reference from the VP, but that was it.

Finally this winter, I got a call for a short-term job at a school in the first board to hire me. I love the school and the staff, even though it is a 45 minute drive. The short-term job turned into the entire semester. I had classes of my very own for an entire semester, for the very first time. It was magical and I truly loved every stress-filled moment. It was everything I wanted in my career, it was where I worked so hard to get to. But of course the semester must end. I had wanted to teach summer school again as I had last year, but the local board apparently only posts internally, and I of course was not considered internal. Good enough to take the job that nobody else seemed to want, but not good enough to re-apply for it the following year. I lucked out however and got 2 weeks of summer school teaching at my last school. Just 8 days, grade 9 and 10 math. But at the school I love (if only it was in town). I only dream that I will somehow end up back there in the fall.

This past weekend, I got a message from another friend who works in the local board saying that they were desperate for math teachers for the last two weeks of summer school here in town. Without even thinking, I jumped at the chance, and she passed on my number to the summer school principal. So the same man who speedily interviewed me last summer left me a message this morning. And once I called him back... I now have two more weeks of summer school ahead of me! And I finally get to work somewhere locally. That alone is exciting; no more commuting! Well, at least not for 2 weeks.

Luckily this year, I go in it with no expectations. I will happily take my paycheck and the extra experience on my resume and assume nothing else will come from this school board. Anything else will just be gravy. And I get two weeks with a new batch of kids, from the sounds of it, a mix of 9's, 10's and 11's. Just another opportunity, and I will gladly take it. Even if it means my summer vacation will start 2 weeks later than I expected. =)

Ain't About How Fast I Get There, Ain't About What's Waiting On The Other Side

Another goal accomplished!

Yesterday afternoon, Nick* and I attempted rock-climbing. It's a lot harder than I expected it to be! I didn't think it would be easy, but I couldn't make it all the way to the top on either the easy or the medium wall. But I could definitely see why people like it; I could see how it would become addictive. I did enjoy it, but I don't think I will try it again until I have vastly improved my upper body strength. I knew I didn't have great pipes, but wow was I weak! That's basically what gave out on me; my arms just couldn't pull me up any further. My fear of falling (not heights, but falling) was a slight contributor, but it turned out that falling was really fun! The cable slowly releases you down to the ground so you're just kinda floating mid-air for a few seconds. The grips were spread out somewhat awkwardly; I felt like being taller would have been easier. Plus they were not always easy to get a decent grip on or pull up on. As obvious as it sounds, it was difficult being completely vertical.

It was definitely a challenge, but I really enjoyed it, and I'm glad I included it on my goal list. I will definitely spend some time in the gym working on my arms, then venture back and try it again.

I Don't Know But I Believe In Yesterday

Ok, so I lied when I said I would talk about the podcast yesterday, but I'll talk about it today!

The reason I found it intriguing is because the guest on Two Fit Chicks was talking about learning to love yourself by looking at yourself in the mirror. One of my goals (#55) is to practice looking at myself in the mirror and stating things I like about myself, and making that a regular practice. But this podcast gave me a slightly different variation of that. The idea is to stand with your back to the mirror first with your eyes closed and conjure up the thoughts and feelings of someone/something you love unconditionally (spouse, child, puppy, whatever you need to think about) until you literally physically feel the love and emotion for that person. Only when you physically feel this do you turn around and slowly soften and open your eyes to transfer that visceral feeling of love onto yourself. It sounds a bit hokey, but somehow still powerful.

The argument is that it's relatively meaningless for me to stand in front of the mirror and force myself to think something like "Wow, I love my eyes", or "My wrists are great". If I don't believe it, if there is no meaning in me saying it, am I really providing any benefit in the exercise? If I continue to say it, the hope is that I will eventually believe it, but will that really work? This slightly different approach assumes that feelings and emotions are much stronger than just logical thought in your brain. If you feel the love directed at yourself, an association will develop, and eventually you actually will believe that your eyes are beautiful and that you have wonderful wrists, and that the rest of your body is open to be truly loved as well. Not to mention the rest of your being!

Anyhow, it gave me some food for thought in how to approach that particular goal. And speaking of goals, I watched another movie from my list last night, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It was my first introduction to a real live Marilyn Munroe (of course I've seen pictures) and it was actually a cute movie. Sometimes hard to remember that songs just naturally appear in movies of that age, but a refreshing change really. I really have no idea where they got the title from, it really should have been called Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, or something along those lines. The title just made me feel bad for her equally pretty and talented brunette friend. Overall, it was a good movie, and I have 4 more 'classic' movies to watch to complete Goal #11. And yes, classic by my own definition!

I wish I found it easier to get up early; mornings are so beautiful! I hit the farmer's market this morning for strawberries, raspberries, cherries, asparagus and baby potatoes, then went for a run. I've really been feeling like a legitimate runner lately; I just feel lighter on my feet, there's more bounce in my step, even when I'm getting tired. So I was rather saddened to calculate that I only covered 5.55km this morning in 55 minutes. And I thought I had done quite well and was improving. But it is what it is, I need to keep focus on finishing the 10km race, not worrying about how fast I do it.

Nick* and I are headed out today for mini-golf, batting cages, rock-climbing, Ribfest, and Bad Teacher. I love date days! Oh, and Wag-Jag too for providing the first 3 activities at a low cost =)

It's Just A Jump To The Left, And Then A Step To The Right

My run went pretty well this morning, even though it had been a week since I'd been out. I distracted myself really well, so the time flew by. However, I may have distracted myself a little too well, because I am positive I was plenty slower than the last time I ran. Ah well. I'm one run away from being finished week 8. I'm looking forward to being done with all this running though. I probably started training way too early, and now I'm sick of it and haven't even got to the 10k training yet!

I really don't know what to do about my goal to run a half-marathon. I knew I was being ambitious, but I probably should have waited to see how I felt about the 10k race before committing to a half-marathon. But now I don't know what to do with the goal. I'm not really enjoying training now, so I can't even imagine basically doubling it. I HATE the thought of not finishing a single one of my goals though, and if it ends up being the only one I don't do, I'd be really annoyed with myself. Is it fair to change it now? And even if I deemed that to be acceptable, what on earth would be a comparable goal? I do seem to enjoy races, but a half-marathon seems like an awful lot. Maybe I could compete in enough 5- and 10-k races to add up to a half? That wouldn't be so bad... I guess I'll have to work on that one.

The rest of my day so far has been 30 lengths in the pool (progress on Goal #47), a WW meeting (which was really great) and another trip to the library for some more cookbooks (I've gotten on to Hungry Girl) and a book on breaking old habits. And a really delicious salad for lunch! (Bistro Salad) I'm hoping to spend the afternoon getting prepped for week 2 of summer school so that next week is a little less chaotic.

If you hadn't guessed from my title today... I completed Goal #12, watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show! I curled up to watch it last night, as I iced my leg after baseball (I seem to have a penchant for taking grounders off the shins this season). It was an .... interesting experience. I've gotta say, I'm really not sure why the cult following. I had never seen it before and knew very little about it to start. I knew it was Tim Curry, I knew it was a musical, and I knew it involved some creepy transvestites in a scary castle, but that's about it. And in the end, that pretty much sums it up anyway. There wasn't much more to it than that. I had a hard time getting through it; it all just seemed so pointless. After I watched it, I researched it a bit, so at least I know it was meant to be poking fun at certain genres of the time. I get that, but it still didn't seem terribly entertaining. It must have had much more appeal in the 70's, cause it certainly seemed like you needed to be on some kind of trip to really get it. At the very least, I don't think it tries to be something it's not. And it's hard not to be amused by Tim Curry with big dark lipstick and a very young looking Susan Sarandon singing and wandering around in a bra and slip the whole movie. Oh, and I thoroughly enjoyed Meatloaf's appearance, and it suddenly became very clear to me who Jack Black seems to be modelling himself after.

In the end, I'm glad I watched it to see what it was about, I learned some new moves to Time Warp, and I can check another goal off my list!

I'm Not Afraid To Take A Stand, Everybody Come Take My Hand

The first week of summer school has been crazy; I've been basically teaching 3 different classes all at once and it's been chaotic finding resources to but together an entire semester in just 2 weeks. But I think I've got it finally figured out, and next week should be a bit less frenetic. It didn't help that I seemed to be hit by some awful flu for a couple of days, but I finally feel like I'm on the mend today, so things are looking up.

My weight, however, is also on the up. The bad habits have continued. I can happily say however, that I would not classify it as a binge. I don't think I have been eating excessive quantities in one sitting, like I was likely to do in the past. Eating McDonald's and ice cream several nights in a row isn't a smart choice, but in my mind, not a binge. That being said, it is so hard to get back on the wagon once you have fallen off!! I haven't had one solid good food day in a week. I tried really hard yesterday; I wasn't sure what had triggered my stomach problems so I was trying to eat very clean. I had cereal for breakfast and veggies and hummus for lunch. Still feeling somewhat ill, I was craving M&M Meats French Onion Soup, so I planned to stop there on my way home from school. And of couse my mind wandered to all the other possibilities. Here's how my train of thought went. Seriously. Note where the devil kicks in and the angel fights back.

"Mmmm French Onion soup... so good... just the thing for when you are feeling sick. Too bad I have to stop and pick some up, I wish I already had some at home. In the winter, I was so good at keeping at least one in the freezer, but I didn't think I would eat much of it in the summer. Anyway, I should also pick up some chicken while I'm at the store, I think we are running low... Hmm... the chocolate chip banana cake at M&M's is really good... oh I really want some... No! I do not want to eat an entire cake, and I know that's exactly what would happen, if over the next day or two, if I bought that. But maybe I could get one of those individual lava chocolate chip cookie things they have... those are really good too.... But I really want some ice cream... I don't remember the ice cream from M&M's being very good, maybe I can just stop at Dairy Queen on the way by! What do I feel like.. oooh, maybe Mocha Chip Blizzard, definitely feeling like something mocha... No! I've had a really good day so far, I don't want to ruin it!"

Luckily I managed to get in and out of M&M's with just the soup and the chicken, and I drove past DQ. I had talked myself out of the bad food choices by the time I got back into town (I have a 45 minute commute). So I headed home, cooked dinner for Nick* (who was headed out with his mom for her birthday to see Transformers) and put my soup in the oven. And it was really good soup. And yet about an hour after I ate, I was feeling like a snack. I wanted that ice cream and I wanted something chocolatey. Without either in the house, I ended up on my fall back: bread with peanut butter and jam. By the way, it ALWAYS requires a few dollops of peanut butter in my mouth in between spreading it on the bread. The bread really isn't necessary, it's just a means to get the PB&J. I should really just mix myself a bowl of PB&J and skip the bread. Really. (Don't think I haven't done it before.)

After that, the floodgates were open. I asked Nick* to pick me up some ice cream. Luckily I opted for a single serve sundae from the convenience store, a better choice than a blizzard or entire carton. But there went down the tubes my effort to get through one day unscathed.

So far today has gone well, but I know very well how simple it i for me to get to 5:00pm. It's all that happens thereafter that makes or breaks a day for me. But dinner is planned and we have baseball tonight, so hopefully I can get myself to the end of the day without having made a poor choice. I know that all it takes is one day to start the streak, and it gets easier each day. But I truly feel addicted to junk food, like once I've had some, I continue to crave more. And the longer I go without having it, the easier it gets. So I just have to get through one day, just one day...

Tomorrow I'll talk about the lovely Two Fit Chicks podcast I listened to today; it will help with one of my goals and hopefully improve my non-existent (and weight-inducing) self-love!

Infect Me With Your Love And Fill Me With Your Poison

It's so hard getting back on track once you've dabbled into the so-called 'bad' foods, especially when you are teaching summer school and have no time to devote to meal planning or prepping! (Summer school is the most chaotic job on the planet I think)

I didn't do terribly today, but I am just so snack-y and quickly grabbing whatever and not really tracking or measuring. I doubt I will weigh in tomorrow; after getting a 5 lbs star last week, I would be embarassed to show up and have gained it all back.

My plan is to find time in the next few days to actually reflect on the weekend, and try to learn where I went wrong. Normally I just beat myself up and feel guilty about having messed up, but yet I repeat the mistake again in a matter of weeks. So this time I would like to figure out where my triggers were, think about what my state of mind was when I overate, and come up with a better plan for next time. I think that's the only way I can improve in the long run.

Your Love Is Better Than Ice Cream, Better Than Anything Else That I've Tried

This weekend was fabulous; unfortunately not so fabulous diet-wise. There was so many meals away from home, my resolution just faltered after the first few. Food out of my hands meant I became out of control. Strangely enough, it was still an improvement from most of my old binges. But there was the International Food Festival, dinner and breakfast at the cottage, lunch at Johnny Eh's, dinner from Boston Pizza, and dinner at a friend of my parents. Thankfully the weekend is over and I can get back on track right away. I'm scared what the damage will be though. This morning I weighed in at 180.8, exactly 5 lbs more than Friday morning. Somehow that seems downright insane. I hate that even small slides mean disastrous backslides on the scale. I've basically lost much of my progress from the last month. I just hope it balances out a bit better by Tuesday.

I'm all set up for several goals; I bought two puzzles, got a couple of books from the library and have downloaded a few movies. I feel like I've done lots of prep work so finishing more goals should happen in the near future!