I wish that were true. Today I wish I could be someone else. Hell, I'd even settle for just a better version of me. I don't really like who I am, and I don't really know how to change it. The problem is I lack the drive to just get up in the morning and do the things that I wish I would do, be the person that I wish I would be. Procrastinating is much easier, and apparently I like the easy road. Maybe it's because I typically don't get the easy road for much, so I take it where I can. And then I just end up feeling guilty for moaning about my big first world problems. Strangely enough, that doesn't actually make me feel any better about myself either. And around and around we go...
I have an amazing husband. But my luck and abilities apparently stop there. We've been fighting for years to get our own house (that may or may not happen in the spring, and if it does, I don't think it will be a house that we are entirely happy about, due to changing rates and mortgage rules). We've spent almost 7 years fighting with lousy tenants, the most current of which who has yet to pay rent on time since he signed the lease, and as I type is smoking in the basement (to which I am allergic). I have fought to get through school, to get into teacher's college, to get a (supply) job, to get more permanent jobs, and all I get is the carrot dangled in front of me that snapped back. I am happy to have supply teaching, but all it does is make me want a real/permanent teaching job. If I wasn't on a supply list, I would have moved on by now, and maybe have a real career. We don't really even consider having kids because it just wouldn't be a good decision right now, financially. I've been fighting for about 20 years to get my weight under control. We know how successful that's been. I feel like a victim, and I feel like I have been fighting for so long NOT to be a victim, and I'm out of energy to fight it. Everything I work for seems to fail. So why bother trying? At least if I stopped fighting, I wouldn't feel disappointment. If I could learn to stop wanting more in life for us, for myself, I wouldn't feel so let down.
I know we have it better than so many people in the world. We don't have to worry about not having enough food to eat, or shelter over our head. I don't discount that. What I resent the most lately is the fact that we've been trained to always push for bigger and better things. We've been told to dream big and go after those dreams. It's ingrained in us. But the whole "fall down 7 times, get up 8" isn't working for me anymore. I am so tired of dragging myself up just to get hit back down again. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to just stay down and stop taking the abuse?
The worst part is, the one thing that I actually can control (my weight), I can't even get my head wrapped around solving that problem. I mean the job, the house, we can do 100% right on our end, but there are still outside factors, hence why I don't have a permanent job despite doing everything that was asked of me and then some. My weight hinges on me and only me. And I apparently am incapable of even fixing that.
So right now I question what am I good for, in any sense?
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Monday 26 November 2012
I'm Blue, If I Were Green I Would Die
So I had a depressing realization today. In all honesty, I don't think it was a new revelation, I think it was me stepping out of denial. My weight loss attempts are not succeeding. Not because of my lack of planning, or because I'm not following the right 'plan', or because I'm not trying hard enough. Well, kinda the last one, but let me explain:
I have (almost) 30 years of programming in my brain that is messing me up. (About 20 of those have been spent on the weight loss roller coaster).
It doesn't matter if I follow Weight Watchers, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Blogilates (worth checking out), or a meal/exercise plan that I (or even an expert) create solely for me. It's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me. My plans are good. Most 'diets' are good (minus the Cabbage Soup, that's just dumb. And by 'diet', I mean in it's actual definition, "The kinds of food that a person habitually eats", not what latest plan and/or gimmick one follows to lose weight). I've had fabulous plans worked out and prepped, and even now, I think they were absolutely fabulous, perfectly tailored to me and no reason why they should not guide me to weight loss. I'll say again, the plan is not the problem. I am.
When Friday night roles around and I am feeling tired and ready to relax after a chaotic week, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When friends set out a bowl of chips while we play Clue on Saturday night, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When I'm craving Chinese food, it doesn't matter what the plan says. I'm talked about my fog before, the daze/trance that I seem to disappear into that can argue any logical reasoning not to overindulge, or to not skip a workout. But the fog always wins, logic never seems to prevail, and here I sit, still around 190 lbs. And it quite clearly has nothing to so with the plan.
So today I am at a loss. I'm tapped out. Not necessarily tapped out of desire to fix this, but tapped out of ideas. I've restarted so many times, I feel like I've tried it all, and then gone back and tried it all again just to be sure. But no matter which plan I follow, it doesn't change the result. I do really well for a few weeks and lose a good amount of weight, I fizzle a bit and go up and down for a couple of weeks, then fall off completely and gain a bunch back. And in the end, I make no progress and end up just frustrated. And still fat.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what approach to take, I don't know how to change who I am and how I react around food. I need some serious behaviour modification, and I just don't know how to do it. I wish it was as easy as saying "just do it", or "stop eating things you shouldn't" or "eat only in moderation". But obviously if pat words were enough, I would be thin already. If those mantras were enough in those moments of fog, there wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe I still don't want it bad enough. Although I really don't believe that. I'd like to think that maybe daily meditation could work, or positive affirmations, or any fancy psychobabble gimmick, but I would miss one day and get thrown off the bus the same as before.
Bottom line, I have bad behavioural habits. I don't know how to break them. But until I do, I will not be successful.
I really just don't know what to do...
I have (almost) 30 years of programming in my brain that is messing me up. (About 20 of those have been spent on the weight loss roller coaster).
It doesn't matter if I follow Weight Watchers, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Blogilates (worth checking out), or a meal/exercise plan that I (or even an expert) create solely for me. It's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me. My plans are good. Most 'diets' are good (minus the Cabbage Soup, that's just dumb. And by 'diet', I mean in it's actual definition, "The kinds of food that a person habitually eats", not what latest plan and/or gimmick one follows to lose weight). I've had fabulous plans worked out and prepped, and even now, I think they were absolutely fabulous, perfectly tailored to me and no reason why they should not guide me to weight loss. I'll say again, the plan is not the problem. I am.
When Friday night roles around and I am feeling tired and ready to relax after a chaotic week, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When friends set out a bowl of chips while we play Clue on Saturday night, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When I'm craving Chinese food, it doesn't matter what the plan says. I'm talked about my fog before, the daze/trance that I seem to disappear into that can argue any logical reasoning not to overindulge, or to not skip a workout. But the fog always wins, logic never seems to prevail, and here I sit, still around 190 lbs. And it quite clearly has nothing to so with the plan.
So today I am at a loss. I'm tapped out. Not necessarily tapped out of desire to fix this, but tapped out of ideas. I've restarted so many times, I feel like I've tried it all, and then gone back and tried it all again just to be sure. But no matter which plan I follow, it doesn't change the result. I do really well for a few weeks and lose a good amount of weight, I fizzle a bit and go up and down for a couple of weeks, then fall off completely and gain a bunch back. And in the end, I make no progress and end up just frustrated. And still fat.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what approach to take, I don't know how to change who I am and how I react around food. I need some serious behaviour modification, and I just don't know how to do it. I wish it was as easy as saying "just do it", or "stop eating things you shouldn't" or "eat only in moderation". But obviously if pat words were enough, I would be thin already. If those mantras were enough in those moments of fog, there wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe I still don't want it bad enough. Although I really don't believe that. I'd like to think that maybe daily meditation could work, or positive affirmations, or any fancy psychobabble gimmick, but I would miss one day and get thrown off the bus the same as before.
Bottom line, I have bad behavioural habits. I don't know how to break them. But until I do, I will not be successful.
I really just don't know what to do...
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