Who Do You Think You Are Running Around Leaving Scars

I can't get out of my head! I am so convinced that I am incapable of doing this for the long haul, and therefore I can't get myself to commit to even trying at this point. Do I not want it bad enough? I want it bad enough to have it be something that has consumed me for most of at least 10 years, if not longer, but apparently not bad enough to just do it already. Weight Watchers just made me feel worse tonight; there were so many people with celebrations, and everyone seemed so happy with their progress and with the program, and I basically felt like an impostor for even being there. I hate that I am my own roadblock, I hate knowing that I am that roadblock and not knowing how to tear it down so I can move on and get beyond this. I wish I knew what words to type into that Google search that would provide me with the answers of what I needed to do and how I could get myself to do it, but I just don't. I feel so utterly and completely alone on this. I don't want to vent to Weight Watchers people because I feel like I am piling on so much more baggage than they should have to carry. There just doesn't seem to be anyone who can help me.... I feel like I'm waiting for the miracle answer that will suddenly flip the switch and on goes the lightbulb and everything is good from there on out. But of course I know that that answer doesn't really exist, no matter how hard I look. Weight Watchers isn't the answer, a personal trainer probably isn't the answer, and I doubt counseling is really the answer either. I'm it, I'm the answer to my own problem, but how can I get myself to follow through? There always comes a day, a week or two into things, where it all starts to unravel, and before I know it, I'm one step ahead and about 3 behind. I know all the right answers, I have the knowledge of what to do in certain situations, and yet I still fail. What else is there for me to? How do you fix yourself when you know the right answer and yet somehow you still choose the other path?

There's Never A Wish Better Than This, When You've Only Got 100 Years To Live

The list is up, the list is up! Check out my 101 Things To Do In 1001 Days, inspired entirely by Julie and fueled largely by the Day Zero Project. I'll break them down, and keep you posted on how I'm doing as I get through the list. I'm really excited to get started!

Today I ended the binge-fest that has been the last two weeks. I tapped out at 188.2 lbs this morning and wow am I ever feeling these extra pounds on me. I feel so thick and so heavy, it's just plain yuck. So I will be very happy as they start to disappear again.

I listened to a really great podcast this afternoon, from Jillian Michaels of course! She was talking about her new book, Unlimited, which I just finished this past weekend. The book was supposed to be more self-help on getting what you want on life, and a little less on specifics of weight loss. The book left me wanting more, mostly because I was reading it expecting it to help me through the reasons why I sabotage myself and why I choose to eat so much. Instead, it covered vague and generic 'believe in yourself' type platitudes. Still a good read, just not what I was hoping for. Her podcast, however, seemed to hit the right nerve, even though it just seemed like the same content in the book. Maybe just hearing the emotion behind the words? Or perhaps paraphrased ever so slightly? I really don't know. But it truly hit me that as long as I believe deep-down that I will not succeed, I will fail, no matter how many times I try. I will perpetually be a self-fulfilling prophecy. But here's the problem. I fully accept that I need to believe 100% that I will succeed if I truly do want to shed the weight. I know that my current attitude of "hopefully this will be the last time, but if it's not..." will never get me to where I want to be. But the thing is, I have no idea on how to make myself believe it! Of course I tell myself that I can do it. But somewhere inside me there is always that voice saying "Nah, you probably won't do it, you failed every other time, so why is this time any different?" And being the math teacher that I am, numbers don't lie, and my stats are against me. So truly, how do I get myself to believe something that goes against my gut feeling? How can I force myself to believe that I am indeed capable of reaching my goals? It seems like an impossible circle, I can't achieve my goals until I believe that I can do it, but I can't believe that I can do it until I see myself accomplish it. How can I become confident that I can do this? Because I fear that I really won't succeed until I break this barrier.

It's All In My Head, I Think About It Over And Over Again

What a terrible run today! It was kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy though, I didn't really want to go out today. I was even slower than usual, I ran a shorter route over the same amount of time, and my ankles and knees were suddenly in a fair bit of discomfort. Needless to say, I didn't time my intervals today. I don't even want to know.

Despite the lousy run, I am quite happy today. I discovered that this whole running training has truly taken route in my brain, and I'm truly thrilled about that. Although I am flexible about my runs, they have become non-negotiable. Not finishing this training program is not an option. I love that! I tried to convince myself to just stay in bed this morning, to run later in the evening. But I knew that with thunderstorms predicted, I could be rained out. Not to mention I doubted that I would actually want to gear up for a run after a day doing stuff around the house. So I got myself up, dressed and out the door. Terrible run or not, I did it. I'm two runs behind in my training schedule (one due to a very rainy week, the other to my own lazy stupidity) and I don't want to get any further behind. I want to do this. And I AM doing it. And that, to me, is amazing. Me, an athlete? A runner? Not to mention, a dedicated and determined runner? It's just crazy even thinking about it. But that seems to be who I am now, and I raelly like it.

She's Losing Faith In What She Knows, Every Calorie Is A War

I'm still going by the mindless eat whatever routine... it's not great, and I settled in at 187.0 lbs this morning. But I'm in high gear today with house tidying and such and will get a meal plan together for next week so that I can get myself back on track.

I had an interesting experience the other night. My husband, Nick*, and I went out to meet some friends and play pool. I ended up being the only girl there amongst 4 guys. That's not unusual; we've all been friends for over 10 years (high school was a blast with these guys) and there were usually few girls in the group. Spike* was home to visit, having moved up north this past winter. We had some laughs, I lost a few games of pool and we enjoyed each others company. And, boys being boys, they ogled the scenery. Which I am used to, and often encourage their opinions. But for some reason it was different this time. I'm used to the comments about some girls rack, or how tight her ass is. Two of them started discussing the attractiveness of a girl across the hall. She was wearing a tank top that cinched right under her chest, then flowed out from her stomach. The boys were undecided as to whether or not she was attractive because they didn't know whether the shirt was poofing up because it was just that kind of shirt or because she was fat underneath and attempting to hide it. It made me sad that someones attractiveness hinged on whether or not they had a flaw to hide. I rationalized it by saying they are boys, that's just what they do, judge women purely on how the look. Don't get me wrong, my friends aren't terrible guys, nor do they treat women badly or anything like that. They had no intention of actually speaking to this girl, just looking from afar. But I felt bad for her, then realized I really felt bad for me. If my friends were talking about other girls, then most certainly so were the other guys in the place (or any other place for that matter). And if any girl was free game (earlier they had made fun of the two overweight and unattractive girls at the table next to us with younger guys) then so was I. While my own friends don't make comments about me, maybe other people around us do. And while I would never likely hear them, I hated knowing that somewhere out there, there was likely somebody commenting on my fat stomach or my wide ass. I felt exposed and vulnerable, all because of this stupid armour of weight I seem to insist on carrying around. And it's not doing me any favours.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint either. I make critical comments about people all the time, likely because of my own insecurities. As I said, I often ask the guys their opinions on particular girls, just out of curiosity of what they think is hot and what isn't. But I've never internalized it so much before. Maybe that girl really does have some self-conscious issues about her stomach. Maybe she was pregnant. Maybe she has great abs and just really liked the shirt. Maybe she does have a bit of a stomach and doesn't care! Who knows what the situation is. But I end up feeling like the victim. And it's over things that I can change about myself if I really try.


* names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent

That's Just The Way It Is, Things Will Never Be The Same

I had a decent day yesterday, but still somehow figured I needed the junk to sit and relax while my wonderful husband went out to the movies and left me to enjoy a quiet evening in to myself. And yet miraculously I was down 0.6 lbs this morning from the consistent 186.6 I've been for the last 4 days. It seems so odd that I can eat whatever I want and then some and skip workouts, and seemingly maintain, and yet I can eat perfectly to the letter of healthy eating AND exercise and lose just a little if at all. If only my body understood math as well as my brain! My plan is still to get organized this weekend and start back on the old Weight Watchers plan on Tuesday (which is my meeting day).

I had a good run this morning, although it was a touch too hot. I seem to do that at least once every summer, think it will still be cool enough to run mid-morning but then suffer in the heat. It wasn't too bad today until my 3rd interval, where I had very little shade and the breeze seemed to have died. Plus today was a new route; I had to extend my run for Week 4, it needed to be about 5.5 km to accomadate the new run 10 minute walk 1 min intervals. Someday I will learn that I do not like to run midday. Morning or evening or bust. I didn't enjoy running while so many people could see me go by (I'm still very self-conscious). So many yard sales today and lots of traffic for the long weekend. But overall, a good run. Being a new route, I really had no points of reference to discern if my speed improved at all, so I didn't even have a guess. But here's how my runs turned out:
          1st interval - 1.16 km
          3rd interval - 1.13 km
          4th interval - 1.02 km
I was surprised that my last interval was so much less than my others, but I did have to stop and wait for cars on a busy street, so maybe even that little bit threw it off. (And I purposely do not track my 2nd interval because it's off-road and hard to be exact on the Map My Walk site.)

It still strikes me every now and then at how much extra I have to overcome because I am such a slow runner; most people would have to train themselves to run for about 50 minutes to cover a 10k race, but I will likely take about 1 hour and 25 minutes to get it done (at my current speed). I try not to focus too much on that, but I desperately do not want to come last in another race; I'm pretty sure that would completely kill whatever little confidence I still have about my athletic abilities.

I got a new haircut this afternoon, with some great copper highlights, I think it looks great, and hopefully it will encourage me to continue to keep myself looking the best I can and get some weight off!

Is This The Prize I've Waited For? Have I Got A Long Way To Run

Although I have yet to finish my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days, it's a work in progress. I have about 55 unedited goals at the moment, and I keep adding more as I think about it, and as I peruse Day Zero Project. But at least one of my goals consists of running a 10km race, which I have already signed up for. So I am in the midst of training for it.

I was never a runner. Ever. I was overweight by the time I was in grade 3, and track and field consisted of chatty walks with friends. I don't think I ever completed the 800m without walking part of it. Running just wasn't my style. Besides, fat people don't run.

About 3 years ago, I decided I wanted to try running as a means to lose weight. I tried a Couch to 5K podcast that started nice and easy, run 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds. I could handle that. But by week 3, I felt way out of my league. I started and stopped a few times but never really had a clear goal. One day I decided I wanted to run the length of one my favourite songs, 500 Miles by The Proclaimers (all 3 and a half minutes of it). I never quite got there. At least not that summer.

The following year, I decided to give it another try. I was hovering within a few pounds of 200, and I feared that like nothing else. The first time I went out, I pushed to 500m. And I worked from there. One day I even managed to run for 2.7 km. Not bad for someone who didn't run. I then went back to the Couch to 5K podcast. I spent about two weeks on each training week, but I didn't give up. I just kept on running those timed intervals and my goal was to run 5km by the end of the summer. Panic kicked in at the end of August though when I realized that although I was completing each podcast, my speed was much (much) slower than was apparently intended for the average runner, so although I was running 30-35 minutes, I was not covering 5km, not even close. I worried that my goal was no longer a possibility. But on the offical last weekend of summer (hey, until that calendar hit September 21, it was still technically summer and would still count!), I ran my first 5km. It took me just under an hour. I thought I would have felt beyond elated, but somehow I didn't feel much of anything. Somehow I just wasn't able to feel proud of myself.

I promptly stopped running after my 5k. Winter went by. Through all this, my weight varied, but by January 2010, I hit that dreaded number on the scale (it was only one day tho!!) Shortly thereafter I decided to take a beginner triathlon training course at the gym. It was 2 sessions a week, 3 hours each. It was crazy, it was intense, it was like nothing I'd ever done before. I thought the running part would be the hardest, but biking turned out to be my nemesis and I actually kind of enjoyed running. And on the day of the race last June, at 192 lbs, I finished the race (400 m swim, 10 km bike and 2.5 km run) in 1 hour 34 minutes; I came in dead last. Which made my victory of completion rather bittersweet. Yet again, I wasn't quite able to fully feel proud of myself. Learning to not compare myself to others is clearly a large hurdle for me.

I ran a bit over the summer, and joined a gym in August so I stayed fairly fit. By December I was down to 170 lbs. But Christmas hit, and 10 lbs came back on fairly easy. And running fell by the wayside. By the time spring came this year, I was still hovering around 180 lbs, and decided somewhat randomly that I was going to run a 10km race. Once I committed to it, I found some podcasts of interval training, printed off a schedule that led me up to race day (September 24th) and off I went. And today I just finished Week 3 of an 8km training program (the 10km training comes later!)

Bottom line, I've debunked two myths that I used to hold true. One, I was never a runner, never enjoyed running, therefore I never would. But I do. Do I LOVE going out for a run every single time? No. Do I have to force myself to do it some days? Absolutely. But do I always feel better afterwards? Definitely. One of my favourite quotes, one I came across not that long ago, is "I've never felt worse after a workout." And it is so true, and very motivational to do that workout when you just don't want to. The second self-created myth that I foiled is that overweight people can't run. I ran both my 5k and the triathlon at around 190 lbs. There's nothing much I can argue there.

I have to remind myself often that my accomplishments are in fact important and substantial and not to be brushed off. I easily told myself that the 5k was no big deal because I ran it so slow, and that completing the triathlon wasn't that impressive because I came last of 188 racers of all ages. What I often forget to tell myself is that I did it. I made a goal and I did it. The 5k took me an hour; so what? I ran for a solid hour! How many people can say that?? I came in last in the triathlon. But I did it! And I didn't stop, I didn't give up, I swam non-stop, I biked without a break, and I didn't walk a single step of the run. Not all of the people who finished before me can say those things, and even if they could, it shouldn't matter. I finished a triathlon! That's crazy! Me! And it bothers me that even now, knowing that I should be wowed by what I've acheived, I can still brush it off as nothing special or anything to be proud of. In fact, I tend to be embarassed when I tell people I did the triathlon, because I don't think bragging about coming last is that great, and if I don't mention how I placed, then I feel like I'm lying and taking credit for something that isn't real. People will ask me to run with them, and I try to avoid it, because I feel awkward and embarassed at the thought of being so painfully slow in comparison, and huffing and puffing and dripping with sweat while they casually stroll beside me. Running is a private thing for me, at least for now.

Anyway, the novella about my inability to accept my accomplishments aside, training is on track, and I am looking forward to completing my first real running race in September, and crossing off one of my 101 goals!

Don't Believe In All You've Been Told, The Sky's The Limit, You Can Reach Your Goal

As I promised myself, a list of things that I love about myself (is it sad that even just saying that seems forced?) I will openly admit that I am doing this somewhat unwillingly, but I'm doing it because I know I need to change my present viewpoint about myself if I intend to change my future. So here it is, a list without justifications, a list without explanations, and hopefully a list without feelings of being too self-absorbed for even thinking such positive things about myself. In no particular order...

1) I genuinely try to make the world a polite and considerate place by respecting those around me.
2) I am persistent and stubborn.
3) I am fiercely loyal to those I love.
4) I do the right thing.
5) I am tenacious.
6) I give my job 110%.
7) I enjoy sharing new experiences with friends and family.
8) I went from not being able to run 500 m to running 5 km to completing a beginner's triathlon to signing up for a 10 km race!
9) I encourage others.
10) I love animals.
11) I am organized and pay attention to detail.

** it is tough not to follow these up with a balancing 'but' or explanation (ie #11.... when I am not procrastinating!!) **

12) I aim to please others.
13) I keep trying new approaches to my improving my flaws.
14) I love to read.
15) I have lofty goals that I intend to acheive someday!

Ok, that's about as much as I can muster for one day. It's very challenging! I feel like by saying these things, it's like saying I'm perfect at each one, and that's just not true. But everyone has bad days and nobody is perfect, so why do I expect myself to be?

Anyway, from #15... I stumbled upon an amazing blog the other night by an inspiring young woman (101 things in 1001 days) and it truly got me thinking about some specific goals that I would like to acheive, some directly about my weight loss, others not at all. But I know that my weight loss issues are all about my whole self, so I consider it all part of the journey. Anyway, I am going to work on that list for the next little while. I don't know that it will be 101 goals for 1001 days, but there will be something substantial.

Where Do I Start, Where Do I Begin?

I'm really struggling lately. I have not been able to stick to healthy eating for more than two straight weeks since before Christmas. It is nothing but a mental game that I just can't seem to get myself to win. I know all the rules, I know all the right things to do. I've been going to Weight Watchers for a year now. And all I have to show is a few pounds. And after the binge that has been this last week, I'm probably down 5 lbs overall since I started last May. And to think, in early December I earned my 25 lbs ring. Yikes.

I really don't know how I am suppose to win this battle. I've been listening to a lot of weight loss podcasts lately (my favourites are Jillian Michaels and Logical Loss) and I really enjoy the information, and I'm almost finished reading Unlimited (also Jillian Michaels). The book promises to address the 'other' stuff; The Biggest Loser shows us the food and exercise, Unlimited is suppose to explore the mental/emotional issues that come with not being able to get the things you want in life (ie health/fitness/being thin). I'm not entirely sure it lives up to that promise; I don't feel any wonderful insight from the trainer, she's not a psychologist after all. An easy and enjoyable read perhaps, but not exactly enlightening. I wish I could find the key to unlocking my insanity that is this addiction to food and self-destruction.

I have eaten a lot over the last week or so. It's been a lengthy binge. We've eaten junk food every day, ate take out several times, hit the convenience store once or twice, and a visit to Baskin Robbins. And I don't even know why. There have been moments, especially in the last day or so, where I don't even know why I'm eating. I'm not hungry anymore, and I'm not even enjoying the taste of the food that much. I truly knew that I was eating solely to be self-destructive, and yet I continue to do it, and have for the last few days. Why can I not break that cycle? Why do I insist on this destruction? Why can I not let myself succeed?

I'm about ready to quit Weight Watchers. I love going to meetings, I love my leader, and I love the support system that is there, but I can't justify spending $50 a month while I fail to lose weight. I decided, on my husbands suggestion, to revert to their old Points program, since it seemed to work better for me than the new one has. I will give that a try for a few weeks, but if I continue in this hamster-in-the-wheel weight loss that I've been in for the last 5 months, I will have to cancel my membership. That's $50 we can use elsewhere. It makes me sad to think of leaving, I really wanted to get to lifetime membership and reach my goal weight, but it doesn't make financial sense no matter how much I like it. Whether it's the program that isn't working for me, or me that's not working for the program, it's not money well spent anymore. I hope the possibility of having to say goodbye will encourage me to try harder, but I feel like in the back of mind, I know I'm ready to throw in the towel all together on this weight loss journey. And yet I also know that I will continue to battle with myself, never happy with how I look and feel yet unable to do anything about it. Whether it's counting calories or counting points, or joining yet another gym in hopes of using it more often, I just can't seem to accept myself how I am. And maybe I will never lose weight until I can do that, but I can I accept something that makes me unhappy pretty much every minute of every day?

I hate constantly tugging at my shirts. I hate sitting cross legged and feeling like my legs stick out because there's so much fat in the way. I hate having a belly that sticks out. I hate feeling unfashionable. I hate feeling frumpy. I hate disappointing myself over and over again every time I try to lose weight. I hate feeling negative about who I am!

I've officially had enough of my little pity party here tonight, so my goal for tomorrow is to make a different list. I will make a list of the good things, the happy things, the things to be proud of right now, at this weight, in this moment. Stay tuned.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching, But Lose Weight Like Everyone's Got Their Eye On You.....

Dance like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening, live like it's heaven on earth.
~ Mark Twain

I've started over many times. I've started new plans, new gimmicks, new incentives. But I've always been a bit of a closet case; I never wanted anyone to know I was trying to lose weight, because I didn't want them to judge me for what I was eating, or ask me questions about it. I also seem to think that if I tell people I'm trying to lose weight, it implies that I am aware of the fact that I am fat; otherwise, maybe I'm just swimming in blissful ignorance or maybe even acceptance. Well, this is my first baby step out of the closet. Sure, at this point is under full anonymity and to complete strangers, but it's a step. So here we go.