Even The Sun Sets In Paradise

*insert heavy sigh here*


I fared well throughout the day today, then came home late, skipped my run and went right for the large portion of mac n cheese, and the rest of my chocolate stash. At least it's all gone.

Maybe now that there is no more trigger food in the house, I will fare better tomorrow?

I just wish I knew what makes that little switch in my brain go off that says throw all logic out the window and start pigging out. When I look back on the last 2 hours, I feel like I was in a trance of sorts, pure mindless eating. But when I'm in the midst of it, it's like I'm a zombie and there's no getting out of it. And when it starts, as soon as there's the slightest inkling of a thought of over-eating, it's like it has been carved in stone and it must be done, even if I don't really want to and it was just a fleeting thought. The problem is, because it's such a habit now, those fleeting thoughts come often. It's like I see/smell/think of food, and I think "hey, here's a chance for me to overeat". And even if I truly had no desire to actually do that, because the thought flitted through my brain, it's now going to happen. Trance starts now. And my head is only clear when all the food is gone.

I know the long list of things to do when the urge to overeat comes along; go for a walk, phone a friend, drink a glass of water, distract yourself somehow. But as soon as that urge hits, the part of my brain that knows to think about those things always seems to have taken a lunch break. And nothing but eating is even remotely appealing anyway. So how do I make myself think logically when I'm in a completely illogical frame of mind? If only I could plead insanity against the scale...

Dare You To Move, Dare You To Lift Yourself Up Off The Floor

Another unsuccessful moment. I fared well all day only to come home and eat way too much chocolate. I don't know why I do this to myself. But I can only tell myself I am on a learning journey and to keep working at it. I am not letting these slips turn into a day written off, I keep on track otherwise and pick myself right back up again, so that's good.

Today was the last day of my 4 week strip tease class. It was a lot of fun, but now I can focus more specifically on getting fit and getting my runs in. Only 24 days until my 5km run! First race of the season. I thought I was improving on my pace, but yesterday's run was really slow. I suppose if I got some weight off me, it would be easier to run! I can't seem to get myself on a decent streak of good eating.

Suprisingly I have avoided the scale since Tuesday's official weigh-in; that's saying a lot for me! But I want to switch to weekly weighing, not my obsessive daily panic attacks (ok, not literally). Maybe if I get 4 perfect food days in, from tomorrow until Monday, Tuesday morning will still bring in a nice loss on the scale. Here's hoping.

Starships Are Meant To Fly

Today wasn't a total success, sadly.

I'm doing an after-school numeracy program twice a week, and the food school provides treats for the kids. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and today a brownie/chocolate chip cookie/fruit/chocolate pudding parfait. I didn't fare to well. The best I can say is that I improved from what I ate after Monday's class, so here's hoping the next class will be another improvement. Then I will be on the right track. (Monday was stupid; two of the richest, gooiest brownies I have ever had, plus about 4 cookies. Not good. You know the size of those high school cafeteria cookies. Today was the parfait and 2 cookies. So definitely not good, but I think better).

That wasn't exactly the best performance for Day 2, but I did still manage to get home and go for a 3.2 km run and make a very healthy dinner where I cut some of the portion sizes to balance at least a little bit the disaster of the afternoon. So maybe I can chalk it all up to a learning experience and try to do better next Monday with the treats in front of me.

There's a reason why I don't buy that stuff and keep it in the house! That is truly my biggest hurdle; dealing with situations with food that are out of my control. If it's in front of me, I will eat it. I plan healthy meals and don't keep junk in the house so I can't eat it. I need to fix that though because life is full of food situations I cannot control.

I Heard You Were A Wild One

I almost don't want to say anything. I don't want to jinx anything, and I don't want to say "I'm starting fresh" again for the millionth time.

All I will say is that I found the X-Weighted website, watched a few episodes, and reminded myself that losing the weight is not just one but several of my goals on my list, and I don't dare not complete that list.

Day 1 was a success.