Cloud My Eyes And Tell Me What To See

"They want to make buttons out of my bones." ~ Gregory Corso

Does you ever feel like you're sick of being the strong one, tired of always keeping it all together? I'd like to think I'm not prone to melodramatic meltdowns, but sometimes I really just wish I could stop caring. I wish I could just let go and stop fighting so hard, stop fighting so hard to lose weight, stop fighting so hard to get a job. I feel like I keep failing at both of these things, even when I give it 110%. Add in trying to save money for a house, and just doing day-to-day things where it seems like all we get is bad luck, and then kicked while we're down. Sometimes I just want to give up. I just want to curl up in a ball under a warm blanket and not care if the back account goes into overdraft. I want to not care that I'm fat. I want to not care if not showing up for work is detrimental to my career. I just want to stop putting in any effort at all, because it doesn't seem to make a difference.

But of course it makes a difference. Not caring at all would make things even worse, and that's what keeps me trying. It just really sucks sometimes that you have to fight so hard just to stay afloat. Not fighting hard to get ahead, just fighting hard to stay at baseline. It's like life's balance point is at rock bottom, and you have to constantly struggle to stay away from it. So that even when you are treading water at a ferocious intensity, you are just barely keeping your head above water. It's rather sad.

I don't know why some people are prone to better luck in life. Maybe people are just really good about not talking about the bad things, only the good things, so it seems like they've got everything going for them when they really don't. Who knows.

It's really infuriating to just want to let go, and let things be how they will be, not have to exert myself for what seems to be just average. But every time things get really bad, and all I want to do is get under that blanket and stay there for at least a month, I tell myself that that isn't really an option. And it's not. Doing nothing sinks you further into the hole, making it even harder to get out in the long run. And I don't want to do that. So yes, perhaps sometimes I'm only trying half-heartedly, but I won't ever just completely meltdown and let go.

I read a blog the other day that sounded a lot like I do right now: oh woe is me, everything sucks, life hates me, feel bad for me, pity me, I keep trying and failing, what am I doing wrong, why doesn't life just work out like I had planned, I just have to laugh and keep my head up. I could have wrote the thing myself. And to be completely honest, I hated it. Not the blog itself, but I hated hearing that that's what I must sound like. Nobody wants to hear that crap. It doesn't do anybody any good, not the person writing it, and not the people reading it. It's not inspiring (at least not in a positive direction), and although it may be cathartic to the writer, it's a lot more like wallowing and bemoaning, and that doesn't make anything better.

Upon reading that blog, I decided I didn't want to sound like that ever again. It was pitiful and not the person that I wish I was. I can't promise and say I will never sound like that again (all my ranting above was an effort to get it out, have my cathartic moment, and prepare to move on), because I don't ever want to sugar coat how I feel. But I really hope I can get away from that. Maybe I should really get on board with the whole lemons to lemonade thing (maybe it never stuck because I don't like lemonade?).

Back to the buttons and the bones. The image I got was not some morbid factory making ivory buttons out of femur bones (ok, well it was eventually, but not at first). I pictured someone buttoning up a jacket, folding themselves in, and making cold weather not just bearable, but enjoyable. I pictured someone (figuratively of course) buttoning their bones together, sticking true to who they are, not letting themselves fall apart and standing up in the world. I pictured someone mending themselves from the inside out.

"They want to make buttons out of my bones." They who? The world? The world wants you to stick with it, to keep fighting, to keep standing, to not let yourself come undone. I've got to stop thinking that the universe is out to get me. As much as I falter in any belief of a greater power out there, I'm definitely not that important to have the whole world against me.

So I need to button up my bones, become a person I can be proud of, and stop blaming luck and the world for my problems. It's no simple task, not in any sense, but what's wrong with having a lofty goal? If I can accomplish 101 goals, what's one more?

Creative Writing Prompt #181: What images does this line in one of Gregory Corso's poems spark in you: "They want to make buttons out of my bones."

We Drink Wine With Diamonds In The Glass

In some ways I wish that I had kept up with French better.

I took French Immersion all the way through elementary and high school, and because of that, I couldn't take any first year French courses at university. So second year I jumped in. And it was awful. Only 2 other students had been Immersion students, leaving the rest Core French kids.

Now, I mean no disrespect whatsoever to Core French, but you just are not at the same level. Immersion has you speaking in French all day from SK - Grade 5 (except for English class obviously), and then a little bit less each year. High school, you need about 10 French Immersion credits to graduate with FI. For example, I took Grade 9 and 10 Science in French, as well as History and Geography and a few others. Plus you take a FI language course each year. Compared to Core French, where you take 1 - 3, 45 minute classes a week in elementary school, and up to 4 CF language courses in high school. I'm sorry, but there is just no comparison. No matter how smart you are, you just aren't submerged in the language as much in Core, and obviously have less of a chance to practice. FI, we were constantly speaking and writing in French. We didn't get away with using English words, ever.

Anyway, so my second year French class with mostly Core students. I would say THE largest difference between Core and Immersion is that Core students can not speak the language. They may be able to read and write well, but they just don't practice much speaking. So much of our class was littered with English. And lots of questions that I covered back in elementary school. Again, I don't say this to be rude, my point is that there was two very different levels of proficiency in this class, and we definitely went down to the lower level.

On top of the lacking expectations of French conversation, the professor was not a good one. She wasn't thrilled with questions, and I'm not even sure she spoke English that well, so she didn't like the infinite questions she got that weren't in French. The book we read was basically masochistic porn. We learned verb tenses that are very rarely used in conversation. She was very dry and very boring. The entire experience turned me off in a big way. I looked forward to finishing the course and getting a new professor for the next year.

Only it turns out that French wasn't a big department at my school, and she was pretty much the only professor, no matter what class you took, and there weren't many options. It was then that I stopped studying French entirely.

As a teacher in an over saturated job market, having French qualifications would no doubt help me get a job. Do I really want to teach French? No. Not even remotely. Even now, I could probably study a bit, pass a proficiency test and get the required qualifications. But I don't want to, because I have no desire to teach one of the most hated subjects in school. (Yet I teach math...). But it is nice to have it in my back pocket, a foreign language, especially Canada's other official language.

However, I don't get much chance to use it, and of course, use it or lose it. I was disappointed when Nick and I went out East and I struggled a bit in Quebec. We managed just fine of course, but I was frustrated with myself.

Bottom line, I thought reading a book would help revive the language, if only a little bit, so I don't lose it too much. It's a tough order because the library doesn't exactly have a large selection of French novels, and I had to find one that I found interesting enough and yet not too complicated.

I managed alright in the end. I certainly didn't understand every single word, but I understood the story (as strange as it was) and was glad I was able to still comprehend the language.

It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark

 The 7 Top Things That Could Happen To Bad People

7. You experience something similar to what Sandra Bullock's character did in Premonition.

6. Karma's a b*tch.

5. Everyone is always purely and truly kind to you, no matter what you do. Live with that.

4. Groundhog Day! And everyone around you hates you, and isn't afraid to show it.

3. Alternate universe where you are unable to do something bad to someone.

2. Constant guilt for every wrong you've ever done.

1. It's your turn in Final Destination, and you know it, but you keep getting skipped and it keeps coming back to you, every day.


Creative Writing Prompt #312: Make a list of: The 7 Top Things That Could Happen To Bad People

(Apparently I'm morbid, and relate everything to movies.)

Let The Spirit Of The Season Carry Us Away

Perhaps I have stolen this from National Lampoon's Christmas vacation, but it seemed natural for a Christmas fanatic like me to be able to sit around the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. and recite 'Twas The Night Before Christmas to my kids.

So I printed off a copy and brought it to school with me every day. On my prep periods I would bring it out and read it over and over again. I have a pretty good memory, and I've done a few speeches at Toastmasters, so I think I have a good system down on how to memorize things. I learn a few lines at a time, and keep adding on. Then I re-wrote the poem out myself a couple times, the first time with assistance as needed, the second time without looking at my cheat sheet at all. And within about a week, I had it down.

And somewhere in the middle of grocery shopping, I proved to Nick that I could recite it by memory.

Have I mentioned that I love Christmas??

(I'm holding the copy I memorized from, as well as a tree ornament that I have had for as long as I can remember, a little book of Twas The Night Before Christmas)

I Didn't Even Think About The Rain

This goal was tougher to accomplish than I would have expected.

For starters, I love the rain. I love listening to it, I love watching it, and I generally don't mind being in it and will often go out in it on purpose.

Last summer, all I wanted was a good decent rain. Oh sure, it rained now and then, but we're talking drizzles. I wanted a good pouring rain to go out into. And of course it had to be when Nick was home so he could get a picture. Being a teacher, I obviously was home all summer, whereas Nick wasn't home during the day. Surprisingly enough, there was only one good rain when Nick wasn't home. It literally took all summer, waiting for that perfect rainfall.

But when it finally came...

But Now I'm Building Sandcastles In The Sand

Nick didn't take many holidays last summer, but I did convince him to take one day in the middle of the week so we could go to the beach. I'd never been to the Cobourg Beach, and I've always heard good things about it, so it seemed like the perfect place to fulfill a few goals.

Unlike every other outdoor event I've planned in the past, we got beautiful weather for our day trip (it was the same day as my balloon release too!) We packed a fabulous picnic and a blanket, but I needed some tools to build a sandcastle. Being August, apparently that was easier said than done. I was envisioning one of those little kits with a pail and shovel and some shaped molds, but Wal-Mart apparently had already been out of those for weeks. We ended up finding exactly what I wanted at a dollar store.

I'd never really built a sandcastle before, despite doing a lot of beach-side camping when I was younger. I can remember making big mounds of sand, much like a snow fort, or drizzling little towers of clay, but I'd never actually built anything with structure. I wasn't going for any awards, just a fun day in the sun.

We had a blast building this:

 

We had water in the moat, a draw bridge in the front, 4 perfect towers and high walls surrounding the fort. It was perfect.

Baby's Black Balloon Makes Her Fly

It's very message in a bottle, but sending a note off by balloon seemed like a fun idea.

It was simple really. I went and bought a few pretty helium balloons, I wrote a few quotes on a piece of paper and included the Day Zero Project website and the date and location, put it in a plastic bag and tied it all together with ribbon. I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to include any contact information, but in the end decided to leave it anonymous. As much as I would have loved to find out where my note ended up, I know that if I had left an email address, I would constantly be waiting for a response. And that response could in theory never come. The balloons could have landed in a forest, never to be found. Or the note might not be found for many years. Or someone could find it and not care to respond. There were so many outside possibilities that could leave me disappointed. This way, I know for sure I'll never hear of it again, and I just get to imagine where the balloons wandered.

Nick and I headed up to Armour Hill on a beautiful clear summer day. It was surprising how meaningful of an experience it was for me. It seems rather pointless, but somehow it felt like I was reaching out to someone in the world, someone I didn't know, and yet perhaps I could affect them. It was a little like paying it forward, only because I know how I would feel if I were to find a random note from the sky. It made me feel less small in the scheme of the whole wide world. I never expected that when I chose this goal.

We watched the balloons for as long as we could; it was actually surprising how far we could see the two dots against the sky. Even as we drove away, I kept trying to keep an eye on them, and imagine where they might end up. We took a ton of pictures. It was almost bittersweet to see them disappear...

I would highly recommend this simple goal. It seems so insignificant, and yet it really wasn't.

Once we lost sight of them, we headed off to Cobourg Beach to complete a few more things on my goal list!

Ain't Going Down Till The Sun Comes Up

I vaguely remember going to a rodeo here in town once when I was little, but I don't remember very much. I like being around animals, I remember that anyway. So I added it to my goal list.

Then of course I started to look up local rodeos and was shocked at how much they cost: $25/p or more! I don't know what I was expecting, but it seemed ridiculous to spend $50 for the two of us to go watch some horses run around. I finally found one that was only $20, about an hours drive from here. We'd been to the town before for Maplefest; it's a nice little spot.

It was a ridiculously hot day, so we sat in the sun and watched barrel races. I also discovered that rodeos somewhat agitate me. Although I love the competition and seeing what both the athletes and the animals can do, I also don't like that tackling small animals is considered sport. I know they do everything they can to keep both riders and animals safe, but it's just like when I watch movies with animals getting hurt: although they are all well trained and protected, you can't tell an animal that it's not 'real', that it's just a movie, or it's just a sport. Animals feel fear, and is it fair to purposely put them in that situation, no matter how safe they will be? They don't know that it's all ok.

In the end, I know it must be humane, or else it just wouldn't happen. But my heart still goes out to the creatures that have to go through it. I realize it's the same kind of thing that actually happens on a ranch with cattle, but at least then it's real life, a rodeo is just putting on a show. I don't know. I feel hypocritical that I would watch and enjoy the rodeo and yet still feel bad for the animals, or still be ok with how cattle is treated on farms and ranches.

Either way, it got me thinking, and I clearly have very mixed emotions. I don't foresee becoming a vegetarian anytime soon, I guess I just view it almost like we are causing them to suffer more than necessary? But what is considered 'necessary'? Why are humans allowed to inflict any suffering on animals? Is that just how the food chain was intended? I don't know, I certainly didn't come up with any answers.

We did have a good day, and came home somewhat sunburned, but I got to see some beautiful animals and spend the day on a road trip with Nick, so I would say overall a win.

I Don't Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day

I've been working on this list for months now, trying to perfect it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a list of your 101 favourite songs?? First it was way to small of a list, then it was way too long and I had to make cuts. It was near impossible. I have listened to these songs over and over again, and that was basically my criteria: if I never tired of hearing the song, if I was happy every time I heard it come on, it was worthy of the list. The toughest ones to deal with were the nostalgic ones; I feel like so many songs I still like purely for the memories they bring, but it doesn't mean I actually love the song itself anymore. Songs like "Patio Lanterns" by Kim Mitchell (reminds me of my parents baseball parties when I was little), "Saturday Night" by Whigfield (reminds me of grade 8), or "Rapture" by iiO (reminds me of bar nights when I was 19). But I think I've got it sorted out. But even as I typed up the list and added links, the list changed!

I'm not even going to try to rank the songs, it would be impossible, so here they are, alphabetical. Some I love more than others, but every one I am thrilled to hear, any time.

So here it is, my 101 favourite songs:

1. 2Pac - California Love
2. 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
3. 3 Doors Down - Landing In London (All I Think About Is You)
4. 3 Doors Down - Here By Me
5. 3 Doors Down - Let Me Be Myself
6. Adele - Someone Like You
7. AWOLNATION - Sail
8. Big Wreck - That Song
9. Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In L.A
10. The Calling - Stigmatized
11. Coldplay - Viva La Vida
12. Counting Crows - Colorblind
13. Creed - Rain
14. Creed - My Sacrifice
15. Daughtry - September
16. Daughtry - No Surprise
17. David Guetta ft. Sia - Titanium
18. Default - All She Wrote
19. Default - Deny
20. Default - Live A Lie
21. Econoline Crush - All That You Are (x3)
22. Edwin - Alive
23. Eve 6 - Friend Of Mine (Acoustic)
24. Far East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder - Rocketeer
25. Five For Fighting - 100 Years
26. Foo Fighters - My Hero
27. Gavin DeGraw - Not Over You
28. Green Day - Good Riddance
29. Hinder - Better Than Me
30. Incubus - Drive
31. Incubus - Wish You Were Here
32. Janet Jackson - Nothing
33. Katy Perry - Wide Awake
34. Linkin Park - In The End
35. Marcy Playground - Sex And Candy
36. Marianas Trench - Fallout
37. Maroon 5 - Payphone
38. Matchbox Twenty - Last Beautiful Girl
39. Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone
40. Matchbox Twenty - Bed Of Lies
41. Matchbox Twenty - Hand Me Down
42. Matchbox Twenty - Could I Be You
43. Matchbox Twenty - 3 AM
44. Matchbox Twenty - Push
45. Matchbox Twenty - Back 2 Good
46. Moby - Porcelain
47. New Kids On The Block - Dirty Dancing
48. Nickelback - Savin' Me
49. Nickelback - Far Away
50. Nickelback - I'd Come For You
51. Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone
52. Nickelback - Lullaby
52. Nickelback - Trying Not To Love You
54. Nickelback - Photograph
55. Nickelback - Someday
56. Nickelback - How You Remind Me
57. NKOTBSB - Don't Turn Off The Lights Now
58. Oasis - Wonderwall
59. One Republic - All The Right Moves
60. One Republic - Good Life
61. Our Lady Peace - Paper Moon
62. Our Lady Peace - 4am
63. Our Lady Peace - All You Did Was Save My Life
64. Our Lady Peace - Innocent
65. Pink - Blow Me (One Last Kiss)
66. Placebo - Pure Morning
67. The Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)
68. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge
69. Rob Thomas - Someday
70. Santana ft. Chad Kroeger - Why Don't You And I
71. Santana ft. Chad Kroeger - Into The Night
72. Santana ft. Steven Tyler - Just Feel Better
73. The Script - Breakeven
74. Seal - Kiss From A Rose
75. Semisonic - Closing Time
76. Shinedown - I Dare You
77. Shinedown - The Crow And The Butterfly
78. Spacehog - In The Meantime
79. Staind - Right Here
80. State Of Shock - Different Day
81. Stereo Fuse - Everything
82. Stereophonics - A Thousand Trees
83. Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
84. Switchfoot - Dare You To Move
85. Switchfoot - Meant To Live
86. Teddy Geiger - For You I Will (Confidence)
87. Theory Of A Deadman - The Last Song
88. Third Eye Blind - Never Let You Go
89. Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be
90. Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
91. Three Days Grace - Lost In You
92. Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake - Carry Out
93. Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - Learning To Fly
94. Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers - Free Fallin'
95. Tonic - If You Could Only See
96. Train - Ordinary
97. USS - N/A OK
98. Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had
99. Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
100. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
101. Verve Pipe - The Freshman

It should be pretty obvious who some of my favourite bands are. Some songs I'm somewhat embarrassed to have on there, but I like what I like, can't help it. Some songs I have a specific reason why I like it, others can't be explained.

Bottom line, nothing beats blaring your favourite tunes and singing along at the top of your lungs.

And no, Third Eye Blind does not sing Closing Time...

If I Catch Them With The Sun In My Eye

Well, I have to give mad props to Bob Harper and his book The Skinny Rules. I've been following the 4-week meal plan in it and have so far lost 11.2 lbs. And I've still got a week to go. I've done really well, got back into exercise after surgery and stuck to the plan. I'm hoping I've developed some better habits so I can keep losing weight. I have to, otherwise I will not complete some of my goals, and that thought scares me more and more each day even though it is still over a year away.

I have so many books to read, movies to watch, things to do that I don't have the money to do. I've been getting a good chunk of my exercise videos done though, now that we have the basement to use. Nick's computer is down there and there's tons of space so I'm loving working out down there. Today I did my pushup challenge, a video, then went to the gym for yoga and a swim. I worked my butt off today!

I honestly am nervous about meeting all of my goals. The books alone, it's 4 a month. If I'm still supply teaching, it's not too much, but if I get an LTO I would definitely not have the time. But of course, there is no prospects of an LTO in my near or even distant future, so I guess I'll have all the time in the world. It's exam season, so no work, so I'm working away on my goals big time right now.

The thought of not finishing the list is reprehensible. I can't fathom it. I feel like I've never really finished anything I've set out to do before, I always quit. And although it's probably not good for the perfectionist in me, I need to finish every item on this list (even though Nick says it's impossible since #2 is based on how many goals I do not complete and is essentially paradoxical). But here I am, a year away and still many goals to go. Of course, lots are in progress, but I'm only at 38% completion yet 60% through my 1001 days.

Just the other night I planned out what goals should get done each month, how many books I had to read, how many movies I had to watch. It's not impossible, at least at this point it doesn't seem that way. Really, the biggest ones I'm worried about are weight loss and getting my cross stitch done. Talk about completely different things. Weight loss because I've been trying to do that for oh, about 20 years or so without success, and I have to believe that I will do it this time. Cross stitch because it is very time consuming and I have a long way to go and not a lot of motivation to get it out and work on it ever.

The good news is, these goals are always on my mind. I haven't forgotten about them and as long as I keep that up, I should be able to finish the list. Even if I am many posts and pictures behind on recording them =P

You Deserve Much Better Than Me

Do you ever just feel like you're meant for more than this? That you're meant for more than just average? That you're destined for something bigger, something important, something meaningful?

I've been watching old seasons of The Biggest Loser, and just watching the contestants, watching the relationships they have with each other and their trainers, makes me feel like I'm suppose to be part of something big, part of something significant. Maybe not necessarily weight loss, although I do occasionally dream of being a fitness and nutrition expert to help others. I guess the hard part is feeling like you're meant for something important, and you're not getting the chance.

The last week or so has been crazy.

Nick and I have been planning on buying a house, we've been dreaming of this for years. We've been saving money for a down payment, which isn't always easy as a supply teacher with a sporadic paycheck and lots of weeks of EI or no work at all. We had a plan that got us where we wanted to be for the end of June, since that's when my parents were selling the house we live in. Over time, our budget changed, always dropping a little bit lower. We started with aiming for $250,000 and although it would get us a great house, the monthly payments seemed too high. So we aimed a little lower, $240,000. But as we fought to keep saving, as we lost our tenant in the basement and our extra $700 a month, even that seemed high.

Then just a week ago, my parents had their real estate agent come check out the house to get an idea of what they would list it as once it went up for sale. The afternoon led to discussions of timing, us finding and buying a house, getting closing dates as close as we can to avoid extra unneeded mortgage payments for anyone. Bottom line, we could start looking for a house NOW. We didn't need to wait for a June closing date, we could go anytime, and in fact were encouraged to go sooner rather than later. We were kinda blown out of the water.

Don't get me wrong, we have done sooooo much research over the last couple of years, we're ready. We have gone to seminars, open houses and read books on mortgages and buying a house. I feel well prepared. But we had figured on June. The biggest thing was that financially we had planned on June. Since the December blow of losing our tenant, we lost that extra cash that otherwise was going straight to savings. We had 6 months, or over $4000 gone. That's a big difference. So we aren't quite financially ready to buy a house right now. But we are oh so close. Like another $1000 or so, and we'd have enough to show the 6.5% needed to finalize a mortgage. And we could do that in a couple of weeks. We could do it. But I began to think that we needed to bring our budget down again. After 2 months without rent money from downstairs, I was feeling like we were struggling. I know it's a tough time of year, and having been off for surgery too, money was tighter than usual, so a lot of it was bad timing. But if we were living paycheck to paycheck now, how would we fare once we needed to add mortgage insurance, property insurance, taxes and anything else that came with owning a house. So down our budget went to $230,000.

Then yesterday happened. We woke up to fresh snow and some strange bike tracks leading up our driveway. Only to find that someone had broke into Nick's car and stole his work tool bag. Not only did we feel completely violated, and not only did Nick lose the tools he needs for his livelihood, but we were now out $1500+. (Avionics tools aren't cheap). The worst part of it is, Nick's been looking for a new job for ages, and put it on hold while we search for a house to make sure we would secure a mortgage, but he intended to leave his company as soon as possible once we moved. So it seems ridiculous to spend so much money on something he will only use for a short period of time. But we don't have much of a choice.

So where does that leave us? Well, we don't have a spare $1500 lying around, not unless we pull from our house money, the house money that was already short $1000. But it also makes me wonder if we need to drop our budget even more. While we (hopefully) won't have stuff stolen from us again, there is always something that comes up, whether it's a car or house repair, or income tax to be paid, or whatever, there will always be something. And you can't survive if you're already paycheck to paycheck with no savings and something comes up. We'll drown. And I'm scared.

Some moments I feel like we really just must not be meant to get a house, not now. I should have gotten that permanent job last June, but I didn't, and buying a house wouldn't have been a problem if I had gotten it. Things would have been better if we still had a tenant, but he left basically unannounced at Christmastime. Now when we are so close, we get this $1500 blow that kicks us again. Maybe the universe is shouting at us not to buy a house.

I don't really know what the other alternative is tho. The house we live in is getting sold sometime in the next few months whether we buy a house or not. It seems ridiculous to rent somewhere, we'll never get ahead, and we have a whole house of stuff. And it feels like we'd be moving backwards, not forwards. I'm afraid to lower our budget much more because we'll end up with a house that's falling apart, and we don't have the money for sudden roof repairs or broken appliances. But I just don't know what to do.

So that brings me back to my original point: do you ever feel like you're meant for something more? Because I really feel like I'm meant for more than this, more than the paycheck to paycheck struggle and a sporadic meaningless job that could potentially lead me nowhere. Part of me feels like I've worked hard, part of me knows I could have worked even harder. Part of me doesn't know what I could have done differently while living over an hour away from the school board I work in. Maybe I should be more willing to drive an hour just to drop off a resume, no matter how often. Maybe I should be more willing to get an evening/weekend job, retail or whatever. Maybe I should introduce myself to more teachers and admin when I'm in a school. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe is right up there with what if.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and that makes it hard. If I was fighting but seeing that it was paying off, one step at a time, then it would be worth it. But I'm not sure what I'm fighting for anymore, because nothing ever seems to work out for us. I worked my ass off for that permanent job and they gave it to someone who didn't even work in the school board. I've worked my ass off over the last 3 weeks to lose weight, and I've already stagnated. We've worked so hard saving money for a house, only to lose the tenant and get hits like robbery and needing a new car.

Why are we still fighting? Are we fighting for the wrong things, and that's why we keep getting thwarted? I don't say this in a depressing, woe-is-me kind of way, I say this because I truly wonder if we are fighting the wrong battles, and that's why we keep losing. But if these dreams of ours are 'wrong', then what? If they're right, then why are we failing so badly?

Why do I keep searching for a meaning to the world when there will probably never be one?

I'd Take A Bow, Take It Real Slow, Take A Ride Down That Yellow Brick Road

So while I do like to organize things, I also like to procrastinate ans that means sometimes piles form and well... that meant my filing cabinet became a disaster. I bought the cabinet purely for my teaching stuff; every day I supply teach, I scour the classrooms for extra handouts, assignments and tests, and bring them home to add to my collection. My thought is that when I someday (hopefully) teach one of those classes, I will have plenty of resources to use. It's tough to say what courses I might teach in the future, so I tend to take everything math and science, as well as anything generic that peaks my interest. Needless to say, it becomes a lot of paperwork.

I decided to start going through my piles October 2011, and basically took everything out, and brought over everything I wanted to eventually be in it, and dumped it in front of the cabinet. Like this:

Yes, it was that bad. And this isn't actually a lot of the paperwork, just the random stuff that seem to accumulate. I think it had almost become a junk drawer, a bottomless pit for homeless things in my house.

So after over a year of randomly picking at it, and over a year of collecting even more resources, I finally could call the job complete. While I will always be adding and subtracting from it, it is at least organized and I can find things when I need them.

There is also a 68L plastic tub full of course binders of the classes I have actually taught myself so far. It's a little insane how much stuff I have. I guess most teachers keep their binders at school, but since I don't actually have a school, I get to keep it all at home. In the house that has no storage space. Can't wait to see where it all goes in our new house in 6 months. Hopefully I won't have to re-organize all over again!

Goal # 50 complete! (That puts me at 37% finished my list... good thing many of them are in progress!)

I Believe In The Faith That Grows, And The Four Right Chords Could Make Me Cry

What is 'the truth'?

Is it even possible to answer that question? My 'truth' will be very different from your 'truth', so could there ever be an all-encompassing 'truth' in the world? I don't think there could be. So truth must be a unique premise. Is the sky blue because I say it is? If someone agrees with me, does that make it universal?

So what then is 'my truth'? Three people could sit in a room and experience the exact same event and have completely different 'truth'. (Ask anyone in the legal system; eyewitnesses are useless). So irrelevant to what everyone else sees, my 'truth' is nothing but what I see. What I feel, what I do.

Does that mean I can control 'the truth'? If truth is a matter of individual perception, and yet I can surely steer my own thoughts and actions, does that mean I decide 'the truth'? Or does 'the truth' have to be more passive than that?

It's true that I am at this very moment wearing blue slippers with white snowflakes. But I chose to put them on. It's true that I often feel worthless and meaningless in this world, but I chose to let those thoughts take over until I really feel it in my bones instead of tossing the idea.

What if I chose to wear fluffy green socks instead? Or what if I chose to think that I am an important part of the universe? 'The truth' can change, and it's all up to me.


Creative Writing Prompt #58: A drunk man sits next to you in a bar, thinks you're his buddy and starts confessing 'the truth'. Write about what 'the truth' is.

You Can Never Say Never

Death was last seen in the auction room, looking worried
Cowering in the corner.
Since when is Death afraid?
Was Death itself for sale?
Was someone there just waiting to bid on the darkness?
Or was Death just afraid that we had learned to cope,
That we had learned to embrace the world.
Finally the light emerged to let us know the truth:
Life isn't fair, how it could it be?
But to combat Death, we must be alive.
To be alive, we must live,
And as long as we live,
Death will be afraid,
And loiter in the corner of the auction room
Worried that one day...
No one will come to wave a paddle for Death,
But all will smile and pay only for happiness
And life.



Creative Writing Prompt #276: Create a story or poem inspired by a line in a David Lehman poem: "Death was last seen in the auction room, looking worried"