Last night I was lucky/unlucky enough to have a bit of a lightbulb moment that may provide a bit of clarity as to why I self-sabotage and fight against myself in losing weight.
I attended my first high school dance as a teacher last night. I loved them when I was in high school; I love to dance, and of course there was always the teenage drama about who was going with who, wondering if the boy you liked would ask you to dance, hoping they would play your current favourite song. But it was a whole different ball game standing there as a chaperone.
I was on coat check with a fellow teacher, and we happened to be across from the girls washroom, so there was a fair bit of traffic in our area. We begin to notice a trend in the clothing; extremely short, tight skirts, plenty of cleavage, see-through shirts and stilettos. We were a bit appalled at first at some of the inappropriate outfits, but eventually giggled because with most girls it was quite apparent how uncomfortable they were in those shoes, and constantly yanking at their hemlines.
But of course I felt a twinge of jealousy; I was overweight all through high school - I never had that kind of body, so obviously never wore those kind of clothes and never got the kind of attention I know those girls did last night. I'm not saying I wish I had've paraded around like jailbait, just that I wish I could have felt confident and attractive (and yes, I realize most teenage girls are certainly not actually self-confident, no matter what they look like).
The other teacher commented "Well, I guess they should enjoy looking like that while they do, because they won't always have a body like that".
Very true. But that simple and obvious comment made me truly realize something I have avoided addressing within my mind. When I do lose the weight and am feeling confident and attractive, I don't get to do high school over again. I'll be 30 years old, and tight mini-skirts and see-through lace shirts just don't seem right, no matter how rockin' my body might be. I will never get to experience being young and hot, that's just a fact. No, I don't think 30 is old, but it's not 18.
I guess I feel like I've lost the opportunity to experience something. I'll never get to be the girl that guys flock to or want to buy drinks for at the bar. I'll never get to confidently go out and enjoy all the perks that come with being young and single. I don't really know what it's like to confidently flirt. And even as I type this, it seems stupid, seems trivial and shallow. I'm very happily married and enjoy every part of my life, why would I even have the need to experience all those things anyway? But I've never felt good about myself in my own skin. And I just want to have all those little goofy experiences that validate how you look, because I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like to have someone look at you like that. And believe me, I know I shouldn't rely on how other people treat me to validate my self-worth (and all that other mumbo jumbo). Knowing that doesn't change how I feel tho.
I distinctly remember what it was like to be the chubby girl in elementary school, high school, and at university. I very clearly remember what it was like to be the sidekick to the popular girl, the girl whose name nobody could remember. I remember having crushes, only to find out of course they would never like someone like me (which of course may or may not have had anything to do with my weight, but that's how I internalized it). I remember feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, embarassed at the size I had to wear, ashamed that my mom couldn't find jeans that fit me so I was dubbed the "Track Pant Queen". I have thousands of very clear memories of the feelings I had (and still have) that went along with being overweight. And they will never go away or be replaced.
I know that when I am fit and happy with my body, I will have many great experiences that I have never had that will help me feel good about myself. I don't think for one second that these old memories will stop me from enjoying a thin and attractive body.
But there's the fear... what if it's just not good enough? What if carrying this weight for so long has denied me of living, and there is nothing that will ever make up for that lost time? What if I lose the weight and still don't feel good about myself? What if I do get the attention that I seem to think I want, and wish I didn't? What if I always resent myself for letting myself be overweight during a time in my life that it would have been much better to be thin and attractive? What if I always feel like I've missed some important experience of being a teenager?
What if losing the weight doesn't actually solve anything?
I know that's a common mistake, to think that losing weight will make your entire life better. But as far as I see it, the rest of my life IS better, my body is what I'm unhappy with. But what if the things I think are associated with my size, actually aren't?
Then what?.....
