I've Been Wide Awake Since Wednesday I've Been Feeling So Inspired

It's hard to believe I started this journey 1001 days ago. So much has changed, so much hasn't.

I haven't read the letter just yet, I want to go for that before and after vibe.

I'm expecting the letter to be somewhat whiny actually, and I'm afraid I'll be disappointed about things I wished for that may not have come true. I imagine that 1001 days ago, I thought I'd have a permanent job, that I'd have reached my goal weight, that I would have completed every goal exactly as I had originally wrote them. But I don't know that I feel disappointed in myself for any of those things. I'm really trying to work on reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, and if things had gone differently, who knows where we'd be. I'm happy in our house. I'm not entirely happy that I'm still jobless, but with the new regulations, hope seems a bit better, there just are no jobs to be given to anyone, let alone me. I feel like I am finally truly on the right track for my weight loss, and although it might be 2 years later than I hoped, I'm still working on it.

Well, I guess here goes nothing...

Wednesday June 1, 2011

Dear 2014 Me,

Part of me thinks I’m crazy for taking on so many lofty goals. But part of me knows how cool it will be to complete even half of them. I really don’t know what to guess, for how many I will actually get done. I’d like to believe that I will accomplish them all; I did choose tasks that would be possible. But I also feel like 1001 days is a long time, maybe I’ll just get bored or run out of steam or feel overwhelmed by it all. I hope that I do put forth a strong effort though; I really have something to prove here, if only to myself.

Where I am now: it’s about 9:30pm. We just finished a late dinner (filet mignon, potato broccoli gratin and roasted broccoli; I’m such a foodie) after I went out for a run (I’m about halfway through the Gateway to 8K training program). I’m in the midst of season 4 of Numb3rs; fine dining entertainment. Yesterday was ridiculously hot, but today was a beautiful and windy day, and it’s cooled down quite a bit. We seem to have a gorgeous summer in store for us. I’m about two and half weeks away from final exams after a whole semester at HS teaching MAP4C and MCF3M. A three week long afternoons supply teaching gig became my first quasi LTO. I am so grateful to finally have the chance to actually teach, to have my first real classrooms. And I really like the school. I really hope it eventually becomes something more permanent, although I’m pretty sure I will be headed back to supply teaching as of September. But that’s ok, I finally have real experience, so it will come.

We’ve got two years at least left in this house, but we’ve already outgrown it. I can’t wait till we have our very own first home. I’m hoping by the time I read this it will be in our new house, but I’m not sure how well I can predict that. Mom has had vertigo for exactly a year; she’ll find out next Monday when her surgery is. Dad’s on a gardening kick. Nick wants to eventually go back to school, most likely UOIT, and we might end up buying that first house in the Durham area, particularly if I end up at HS more and more. Me, I’m just patiently awaiting that contract job. But with 20 teachers still on the Durham surplus list at this point, I don’t imagine it will be anytime soon.

Since this entire list was originally inspired for weight loss reasons... I weighed in this morning at 186.6 lbs. Before Christmas I reached 169 at Weight Watchers, gained about 10 over the holidays and have never quite been able to get back to where I was. Maybe it’s the new Points Plus plan, maybe it’s just me. I can go really well for a week or two, but then I completely lose it for another week or two, which typically has me going backwards if anything. I pretty much wanted to quit last night, quit obsessing with my weight, and quit trying to care. But obviously I’m not likely to ever give up. I’d really like to be in better shape for Irene’s wedding; I get so few excuses to dress up and I’d really like to feel like I look good. The wedding isn’t until October, but I will have to order a dress long before then. I think 25 lbs lost by then would make me happy, and it’s doable, but unlike me. But that’s the thing; I really need to change my mindset about what I am capable of. I can’t keep telling myself that I may or may not be able to do this, that I might be able to succeed, maybe if I get lucky. I have to decide that yes I will succeed, and just get it done. I need to feel better about all of my accomplishments and stop feeling worthless. I’m signed up for a 10K race at the Toronto Zoo in September, that’s why I’m in training. I just started a new blog a couple of weeks ago, and I’m actually hoping people will want to read about my weight loss journey. So far there have been a few hits (I think I’m at 31, but I imagine a few of those are Nick).

Where I’d like to be as I read this in 1001 days: ideally in our own house. Hopefully working steady LTO’s, if not on contract, at a good school. Having finished my entire list! Perhaps ready with a new list. Really though, I’d like to be happy with who I am. I’d like to feel more self-confident. If I’m going to be a 30-something, I better let go of the juvenile insecurities and just stop caring about what other people think of me.

And I hope I don’t read this and think I am a complete idiot =)

Love,

2011 Me

Well. I was really expecting whiny or depressing, but it was somewhat surreal to read that. I actually seemed happy then anyway, goal list or not. Just hopeful. I obviously write a lot, and I do like re-reading journal stuff I've written, but I've never written directly to my future self before, so it's kinda weird. So much has changed since then.

We do have our own house in the Durham area, I am working steady LTO's at schools I like. I did lose about 10 lbs for Irene's wedding (and looked pretty awesome in my bridesmaid dress). Mom had surgery and no longer has vertigo. Dad has moved on to cooking and baking. Nick still wants to go back to school, but that's still a ways away.

I'm not sure I completely don't care about what other people think of me, but I think that slowly gets better as I get older. I'm not sure I'm love having to let go of being 20-something, but no one ever really gets a choice on that one. I don't think I have a ton more self-confidence, but weight has always been the biggest contributor, and since I'm about 25 lbs heavier than when I wrote that... But I'm working on it. Everyone is a work in progress.

I guess the biggest thing is that I really did finish this list. I thought I'd give up, or leave it half finished like I always do. But I did. Perhaps there were modifications, and perhaps I procrastinated a lot, but I did it.

I feel like I should feel elated. Proud of myself. And I guess I do. But I thought it would feel amazing; it just feels ok. Each individual experience may have been amazing, but I thought I would feel much more having finished the list. But that's ultimately my next challenge to conquer; to stop explaining away why something I accomplish isn't really that great. "It's not THAT great that I finished the list, I changed some of the goals so that I could". I really have to stop doing that.

Anyway, definitely a goal worth having on any 101 list. It was rather enlightening.