Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Patience is not something I typically possess.

I'm torn because I'm happy I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm frustrated because it's going so slow. Yesterday I was ecstatic because I finally saw a big drop on the scale; down to 181.8 lbs. I was exhilarated that things were finally going right, I was finally being rewarded with numbers that matched my effort. And then, despite another good day yesterday, I woke up to 182.4 lbs. And my brain doesn't see that I was 184.2 lbs on Wednesday, it sees that I went up. My brain doesn't see that I was 196.8 at the beginning of last month, it sees that I've been working so hard and am only getting little results. I really have to stop with the daily weigh-ins, or learn to stop taking them so literal.

I need to remind myself that weight fluctuates no matter what you do, no matter how many great days you have. I need to remember that what I am doing is finally sustainable, and I can achieve my goals this way. But it's still hard.

I think my biggest concern is the time. Time I don't have. To complete my goal list, I have to wear a bikini in public, which means by the end of summer. At this rate (3-4 lbs lost per month), I will weigh around 160 lbs by the end of August, and that to me does not sound like a bikini body.  I have to wear a sexy Halloween costume, and if I'm around 153 lbs. by the end of October... I mean it's good, I don't know about sexy. I have a photo shoot to do once I've lost all the weight. My goal list ends next February. I'm feeling the pressure for sure.

I just really wanted to be out of the 180s by the end of the month, and with just 10 days, I don't see that happening. Stupidly enough, on my SparkPeople graph, I'm underneath where I need to be to reach my goal (137 lbs) by the end of August. So I'm doing something right. I just wish I would let myself truly see that and appreciate that. I just continue to be nervous about the fact that I dropped so much right away last month (which happens whenever anyone starts a healthy lifestyle to lose weight). I'm afraid that once I balance out to a steady weight loss, it won't average out quite the same and won't be enough to get to my goal in time.

And of course, what's the point in worrying? I'm still doing really great. I'm on top of my workouts, following Jillian Michaels Body Revolution; just finished Week 2 yesterday. Not a day has gone by that I haven't counted my calories since January 2, and there's been only 3 or 4 days where I've gone over my range. I've been doing great.

I think the first two weeks of February really took a toll on my emotional side to weight loss. It was really hard to see no real change on the scale for so long while I continued to work hard. It just didn't seem fair. And I thought yesterday was finally compensation for enduring those 2 weeks of frustration.

In the end, I could get on the scale tomorrow and be back down to that precious 181.8 lbs, or even lower (doubtful, today is my day off for Body Revolution, and there's no volleyball because of Family Day, so not a lot of activity in my day). With more than a week to go this month, I really still could see the 170s. Realistically, I'm worrying for nothing, and all it's doing is unnecessarily stressing me out.

So stop worrying!

Tale As Old As Time, Song As Old As Rhyme

Ok, I was really hoping for Wicked or Wizard of Oz tickets for my musical but it just didn't happen. Wicked never came to our area at an opportune time, and once The Wizard of Oz appeared, we were too busy saving money for a house to spend a couple hundred dollars on a musical night in Toronto. So no Dorothy for me. (insert sad face here)

But conveniently enough, there was a traveling Beauty and the Beast coming to town. I had to think about it for a bit though because I had already seen it in Toronto many (many) years ago; it was my favourite of the musicals I've seen (Phantom, Showboat, Lion King). Would it count for my goal list to see a musical I had already seen? But since money was tight for any other option, and it was well over 15 years ago, I figured it was fair game.

I bought the tickets last August, and the show was just this week. And it was really good. Here's the stuff I noticed:

• It sounded almost too perfect. You never heard anyone take a breath, or material rub against a mic, or any kind of deviation that made it feel real. I don't really say this as a complaint, but to me it lost part of the best part of live shows, the organic in-person vibe. But I guess once you've done it so many times, it's hard to sound any different and hit anything but the perfect note.
• Probably part of that, but a hockey arena is not the best venue for music. It sounded kinda flat, and definitely through no fault of the band or the actors. (not flat is in sharp or flat musically, flat as in lacking dimension) It sounded just like watching on TV, like the sound came from just one point. It lacked the warmth of sound surrounding you as it does in proper theatres.
• It was an all ages events, and there was a lot of really cute little girls in princess dresses and crowns. But surprisingly, there was also a lot of very young children, like 2 and under. We even saw several infants (perhaps under 2 months!). For the most part, it didn't really bother me; it was a noisy crowd overall, a lot of talking (both adults and kids) and a few babies crying, but the sound didn't really seem to carry much. I just wonder why on earth you would bring such small children to a play. For so many reasons. (Rant ahead)...

a) What would a small child get out of it? I don't know at what age they had to pay for a ticket, but even if it was no charge, would a toddler really enjoy it? Most of the toddlers were asleep long before intermission; are they really becoming culturally diverse and having a good time?
b) Do you want to worry about looking after your child when everyone else is enjoying the show? If you're child is upset or hungry or needs to go to the bathroom or just plain antsy, you've got to deal with it, so you miss part of the show potentially. Why wouldn't you just want to get a baby-sitter for the night if you really wanted to see the show? You paid $65 a ticket, I'm sure the extra $30 for a sitter won't break you.
c) Your child could end up disrupting other people around you trying to enjoy the show. It's not fair to people who came to hear Lumière and not your crying infant.

Perhaps I am, as always, the cynical childless bitch who just doesn't understand, but in my mind there are some places where kids aren't really intended to go. For this, probably 5 and up is cool; old enough to sit still to watch and enjoy the show. Of course depending on the individual kid. Any younger and I just don't understand why you would bring a child. Honestly. I don't say it to be the angry person who never wants to be around kids, I truly wish I knew what would make someone decide to bring a 2 month old or even a toddler to a musical. Or to a movie theatre. I guess if you know you have a very well behaved child, there's no need to leave them at home, but how many toddlers can sit still for very long? And in my opinion, you have to get use to the fact that as a parent, you don't necessarily get to do all the same things you did when you were childless. Especially when it infringes on the people around you. I've been to non-kid movies where someone has brought in an infant and not left the theatre while the child screamed. So very not cool.

Will I take all this back once we have kids? Maybe. But I like to think that I take other people into consideration, and most people don't want a whiny child ruining their evening. Nobody wants to be around an unpleasant child, whether they have kids of their own or not. I understand that sacrifices have to be made in regards to your personal wants as a parent; I'm not sure all parents get that. Is there anywhere you can go now without risking being over run by children? (Again, I realize the musical was all ages, and I assumed there would be lots of kids, I just didn't expect the really young ones).

Anyway.... (now that that rant is over...)

I truly don't want it to sound like I didn't enjoy the show; I really did. It was funny and cute and the set was really well done. The actors did a great job and the band was phenomenal. Hopefully you'll notice that the flaws I pointed out really have nothing to do with the production but with the venue and the crowd.

There's something to be said for the ambiance of a theatre, getting dressed up and going out for the night. We were in jeans, surrounded by toddlers, had pancakes for dinner and walked to the arena. Probably not quite what I had in mind when I made the goal, but there's always time for more shows someday. Just not with my small children.

I'll Do What It Takes 'Til I Touch The Sky

I've been really trying hard lately to accomplish my goals, particularly weight-wise. There are several weight-related goals on my list, and I'm not about to get an incomplete because of them. I do feel strong and capable, and I feel like I'm doing it the right way, so success is in my future. I've hit a few speed bumps already, but I get back up much quicker than I used to so that there is not too much damage done. I will lose weight and become thin and fit.

I just can't picture it.

This has always been one of my biggest problems in losing weight. Having always been overweight to some degree, I have absolutely no concept whatsoever on how I might look once thin. No clue. So I've always been trying to find pictures of girls that kinda look like me (but thinner versions obviously!). It's not easy.

Celebrities are useless as realistic role models when it comes to weight. I mean yeah, I want to look hot, and it sucks that most of what we see is these 'famous' people in their size 00, but I know very well that I will never look like that. And some of them, I wouldn't want to look like. And it's tough finding the few that seem reasonable.

Part of the problem is that I just don't have an imaginative brain in the sense that I have to see things to understand them. I am just a visual person. I could never have a house built because I couldn't buy it sight unseen. I could look at floor plans, see the lot, see a model home, nothing would ever have me understand exactly how that house would look. Can't do it. So it really would be helpful if there was such a thing as a thinner version of me, but that's never existed.

I even recruited Nick's tech skills with Photoshop (and whatever other programs he uses) to create a possible image for me. He took one of me and made it look thinner. He really did an amazing job, but maybe knowing that it had been altered made me question it. He took a picture of Alyssa Milano's body and merged my head onto it; again, he did a really great tech job, but it just did not match up quite right, and for some reason my nose looked much bigger that it really is. So again, I just couldn't buy it.

Why is it so hard to visualize something, just because I've never seen it before?

A couple of weeks ago, I made this picture my desktop background:

Now that you officially think it's bizarre that I have a hot girl in a bikini on my desktop... I was hoping it would be motivation. Her body didn't seem to be completely unrealistic, and she was a brunette, and (seemingly) not incredibly tall. So it worked. Sorta.

I tried looking again this morning, and I found that Kelly Clarkson could be a good size model for me, but because she's not "Hollywood perfect", there aren't many full body shots of her.

It's tough doing these Jillian Michaels Body Revolution workouts because the people in the videos are all perfectly sculpted. Perfect abs and arms. And so tiny. I can't aspire to that. I mean it may not even be possible for me.

All I want is to feel good about myself, to feel confident and attractive. But at times it's really hard to imagine what that would feel like, and it's hard to keep fighting for something that you have no idea how it looks.

Can You Play Me A Memory, I'm Not Really Sure How It Goes But It's Sad And It's Sweet

I had a keyboard when I was little. I even tried to take lessons for a while, but paying $12/half hour when you're 12 isn't fun (yes I paid for them myself). Plus at the lessons, they had a full keyboard whereas mine at home was a smaller scale. Which meant I did the practice I was told to at home throughout the week, then was admonished for not practicing when my fingers didn't naturally reach properly on the bigger keyboard. The lessons were short-lived.

But I always played at home. Never very well, and typically not with two hands. I had simple music and usually played Christmas songs. Or I discovered the melody to a favourite song by trial and error. I never really excelled at reading music, I was pretty slow at it, but was quick to memorize what I played. Even in band (Air Cadets) where I played trumpet, then baritone, then glock, then baritone again, I played more by memory than sight-reading.

I still longed to really play the piano, so Nick bought me a beautiful keyboard a couple of Christmases ago. I'm sad to say it took me this long to get playing on it (not that I'm a procrastinator), but I'm glad that I am. I bought a book (when he got my the keyboard) that actually taught musical theory, that I've been using all week.

I've learned about chromatic and diatonic tones, and was thrust into both treble and bass clef right away (no learning to use the right hand first, then adding the left, as I would have hoped). Some days I haven't been really excited to force myself to sit at the keyboard for 30 minutes, but I do think it's created improvement. While I still don't sight read really fast, I am making myself take the time and do each exercise in the book carefully and thoroughly so that I can learn.

I have some songs to learn for another goal, so I better keep at it!

We'll Get There Fast And Then We'll Take It Slow

So in between releasing balloons to the wild and building sandcastles, we had a nice picnic lunch at Cobourg Beach.

I packed what I deemed to be the usual suspects at a picnic: potato salad, macaroni salad, big deli buns with cold meats, veggies and dip, chips and lots of water. It was a bit of a fight to keep the sand out since it was a really windy day. But we had a beautiful view of the water, a warm sunny day, the typical blanket underneath us. It was a perfect afternoon.

Relax And Settle Down, Let Your Mind Go 'Round

It turns out that yoga is very instructor dependent.

I've now taken several classes (and tried several DVDs too), and I find it all comes down to the instructor. And I found a good one at the Wellness Centre. I don't know how to explain what made her good, maybe it was because she had a soothing, evenly-paced voice that was relaxing and encouraging, maybe it was because she told us to make each practice our own and do what our bodies want us to do. Whatever it was, I enjoyed going. Unfortunately it wasn't as often as I would have liked; the two classes offered each week weren't at great times for me. I have been to one or two other classes with different instructors, and just not gotten into it as much.

I wouldn't really recommend yoga DVDs unless you are already a yogi. I find that many moves have you in a position that just does not make it conducive (or relaxing!) to turn and look at the TV, and sometimes the instructors aren't being overly-explicit on when they are changing moves, so you can't rely on verbal cues alone. Perhaps if you repeat the same DVD many times, you would get it down pat. I also have a Wii game that creates a new combination of moves every time, so there's no chance to remember the order, making it even tougher.

Whichever you try, I would suggest trying it a few different times before deciding whether you like it or not. I'm still waiting for the desire to try hot yoga; I have some friends who go every week that have left me with an open invitation, but I am not quite ready for it yet. While the Wellness Centre was a very gentle yoga (that I could totally handle and enjoy), I get the feeling that hot yoga comes with a lot more intense poses that my flexibility and strength may not be up for just yet. But someday. Maybe.

True Colors Are Beautiful, Like A Rainbow

I came across this goal suggestion and was reminded of my lacking artistic skills. I remember in elementary school asking the girl who was the best colourer how she does it; I remember she said to always colour in the same direction.

I just figured it would be a relaxing and calming thing to do. But it turned out that finding a colouring book was a little tougher than I thought. I mean, I think we all know by now that I tend to be rather picky, so that didn't help. But I didn't want an activity book, I wanted 100% colouring. And I didn't want 100 pages of it. And I didn't want a really lame theme (I am not a Star Wars fan. Nor do I enjoy Pokemon).

In the end, I found a 16 page Alice In Wonderland book that would suffice. And I had looked in a few different stores. (Sadly, once I had already started colouring that one, Nick found a Wizard of Oz book for me... maybe that will be on my next 101 list).

Was it relaxing? Yeah I guess. I'm still not artistic, so I often got frustrated at things that didn't quite turn out how I would have liked, either the colour or shading was wrong (I don't really get into shading, I just don't know how to do it). It didn't help that I just had a small pack of cheap pencil crayons from the dollar store, so not a lot of colour choices.

In the end, it was kinda fun to do something a bit childish, something I hadn't done in years.

I Found The Photo Of The Friend That I Was Looking For

I was always the girl with the camera in her hand, through most of high school and beyond. (Of course I was, I was/am the fat girl who didn't want to be in the pictures). I even took Yearbook, so I could take pictures of my friends. And of course, as is apparent, I like to document things.

Needless to say, I have a TON of photos on my computer. I even took the time to scan in all my old hard copy photos, you know, those things we had before digital cameras. I remember buying my first digital camera. I asked for money for Christmas, from parents and relatives, and added some of my own, and bought a 4.2 megapixel camera for about $750. That was probably a little over 10 years ago.

Anyway, the pictures were piling up. Unsorted. Life events like birthdays and weddings, random cute pictures of pets, holidays, vacations, camping trips, walks around the block... It was getting ridiculous. I had years and years worth of memories, yet they were daunting to look at.

So I started sorting. Finding a system was a little challenging, but I think it worked out in the end. The "Outings & Events" folder is huge. But all my memories are now somewhat organized, so it's a little more pleasant to take a stroll down memory lane, any time I want to.

Reflecting Now On How Things Could've Been, It Was Worth It In The End

I've been having this strange feeling the last day or so. It's a very new feeling, very unusual for me.

I feel like I am a skinny person trapped in an overweight body.

I am willing to put good money on the fact that I am definitely not the first person to ever have that thought. But here's the weird part: a) I've never had that thought before, and b) I've never been thin before.

I have been dieting, trying to lose weight and praying to be thin probably for 20 years now (and I'm only 30!). I was chubby by the time I hit 3rd grade. I have absolutely NO concept at all about what it's like to be thin, in any way, shape or form. Sure I've been lighter and heavier, but always overweight, never thin and fit. At 183.8 lbs now, I am certainly neither of those things. But I feel like I should be, like I could actually be thin and fit and healthy and attractive.

It started yesterday (that I noticed anyway) when I was doing a Carmen Electra workout DVD. They are fun and can make you sweat, but this one in particular (which if you know the DVDs I'm talking about, you already know I'm talking striptease) requires a lot more flexibility. Obviously with a goal of touching my toes on my list, flexibility is not my forte. Even when I am working on it, there are times when I feel like I could be more flexible, but the size of my body literally gets in the way. Of course a big stomach is going to impede a person from bending over further. So here I am, doing this workout that is suppose to make you feel sexy and confident, and I'm just feeling... limited. And definitely NOT sexy. It wasn't in a depressing, woe-is-me, this sucks kind of way (I said I was going to try not to do that anymore, and I meant it!), it was more pure frustration. I am working so hard at weight loss lately, and although it's going well, it's sometimes hard to handle the wait of getting to where you want to be.

Later on, in the shower, I looked down at my body, and it felt strangely like it belonged to someone else. Which again, weird, because I've always had a ... rounder body, I'm quite used to that. I don't know what a flat stomach and small thighs looks like from my viewpoint. And again it seemed frustrating to have this body that just didn't fit my mentality.

The last thing to confirm my new feeling was a trip out to the bar last night. It was a very similar experience to something I've blogged about before, and actually at the same location, with some of the same people, just a year and half later (and of course nothing seems to have changed). Having been stuck at home all week (exam season, no work for supply teachers), I was ready to go out on the town. I wore a shirt I haven't quite felt comfortable in, since it's a little form fitting, but it's sparkly and pretty and bar-appropriate. I did my hair and makeup all nice, trying to feel pretty. Whenever I go out to a bar (well, bar/pool hall... why does pool hall sound like a dive? It's not though.), I feel so inferior. Bars always attract the pretty girls in their slinky, sexy clothes, making me look/feel even more like the overweight, unattractive blob that I am. Even at my best, all prettied up, I still can't compete with them. It usually just makes me feel worse about myself, and last night was no exception. But yet again, it was more a feeling of frustration. I wanted to be that girl, the one that people stopped to look at, the one that the boys were checking out from across the room (because of course my charming friends were scoping out all the girls in the place), the one who was having fun and being bubbly and desirable. I felt like I should be that girl, I was suppose to be that girl, and yet here I am, stuck being overweight, stuck tugging on my shirt, hoping it's not as unflattering as it feels. Avoiding playing pool because it requires bending over, and while my friends are checking out the girl doing the same at the next table, I know no one across the room is looking at me, at least not in a good way.

A bit of a sidenote... If it wasn't already clear, I'm very happily married. In fact, Nick pointed out several times how hot he thought I looked last night. And I love him all the more dearly for that. I think I want all the attention just to see that I could get it, just to feel what it's like. As I mentioned, I've never been thin, so in my younger bar-hopping days, I was never the girl that the guys checked out. I'm not trying to pick up, I just want to know what it's like to not be invisible. I've never noticed a look of disgust from someone, there's just no looks at all. And I wonder if that's almost worse. It's like I don't exist. And maybe that's it, maybe that's what I want to feel: like I exist in the world. And unfortunately, it seems like to be noticed, by men or women, in any sense of the word, you have to look good.

Maybe it's ridiculously sad that I feel the need to be noticed. Maybe it's truly a grass is always greener thing; just the other day I read a comment from one of the thin pretty girls about how terrible it is to have all that attention, how lewd guys can be, and how inappropriate it can get. But I also just watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother that further showed that the hot girls get noticed, and get looked after, by everyone. (Ok, so she became invisible due to her engagement ring, not due to her size, but it was the same sentiment). And ultimately, I can't help what I feel. Maybe even once I'm thin I won't get noticed. Who knows how I would deal with that. Being thin won't automatically make me pretty too, but I like to think that, besides my weight, I'm decent looking. So I like to hope that there's a chance. I have to have hope that one day I can feel like I am a person that exists in the world.

Again, maybe it's wrong to hinge so much on personal looks. Maybe I'm a terrible person for just exacerbating the situation of people viewing how someone looks as so important. Maybe I'm a terrible role model for wanting all the wrong things. Maybe I'm focusing on something that just shouldn't be important. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a no-win situation. Maybe.

Or maybe I can just take this frustrating feeling and let it keep fueling me to keep at it, to keep eating better and exercising regularly, and becoming a healthy person. Maybe I have to take whatever I can get to keep me on this track to get in shape, to be more fit, to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

Because ultimately, isn't that what it's all about: finally feeling comfortable and happy and confident with who I am?

Perhaps my definition of being comfortable, happy and confident isn't the same as everyone else's, but why should it be? Why do I have to justify to anyone what it will take to make me content? I'm not hurting anybody, so why should I feel guilty for wanting to feel special for a change?

Why Don't You Tell Your Dreams To Me, Fantasy Will Set You Free

I'd read Harry Potter before, I can actually remember I was still working retail and I couldn't get all the books from the library so I actually downloaded some of them and read them at work when the store was quiet. It was a good series, perhaps a bit perplexing in how it started as a light kids book (in both nature and size) and ended up as dark adult books (and a lot more pages!). But nonetheless, an enchanting and whimsical story with a satisfying ending.

Speaking of ending... I didn't actually get to the books until they had all been out for quite some time, and I actually managed to remain in the dark about the ending. I remember before the last book came out, there was a lot of hype over whether or not Harry would die. Surprisingly, I never found out until I actually read it myself (don't worry, I won't drop any spoilers). I didn't know what to expect, and I was actually relatively pleased with how the ending was handled.

It worked out that I was going to Leadership Camp with my school, and the theme was, of course, Harry Potter. Knowing the books/movies of course wasn't required, but I imagined it would make the experience more fun, since clearly most of the kids knew the story very (very) well. Camp committee actually spent an entire weekend marathoning the movies and brainstorming for camp ideas.

So I followed their lead. I had almost $200 in earned Chapters gift cards (by doing online surveys) so I included a beautiful Harry Potter set in my order. Read the books. And then of course, Nick and I marathoned the movies over a weekend. I think the kids literally did all of them back to back to back (and obviously many scenes were slept through), but Nick and I spread it out over a whole long weekend so we could actually see the movies and still have time to get away from the TV for a little bit every now and then. We actually found a very cheap Blu-ray set at HMV; it didn't have anything fancy with it, just all the discs in one case, no fancy packaging or extra trinkets (I think that version is the size of a microwave and costs about $370... I saw that at HMV this Christmas; I wonder if a magic wand comes with it).

It was a good goal to have, and now I have a nice set of books and movies.