No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom, Teachers Leave Those Kids Alone

The last day of school! It was sad, but I'm also back on Monday for summer school, and much of the math department is back next week cleaning out the office, so it really still doesn't feel final. But I really really hope I am back there again in the fall. I loved that school, I love teaching, I just want to be somewhere a little more permanently so I can put down roots, participate in school events and clubs, and just dig into the school community more. My position was so vague this semester, there really was no way to do that.

I really have to stop torturing myself and learn to run at better times of the day; the brutal heat kills me, and sooner or later I'm going to keel right over on the sidewalk from heat exhaustion or sun stroke. The problem is, when I get home from school, around 4:30p.m, is the most convneient time for me to run. I'm not a morning person, so I'm not about to get up an hour and a half earlier, and once I have dinner and settle in for the night, I'm not going to be inclined to get up and run. Fortunately, once summer school is done, I can run in the morning. But until then, I've got to try to attempt to avoid the sunshine torture!

Make Me Believe, Lie If You Have To

As usual, I've been listening to different podcasts on my commute home every afternoon. My two favourites are Jillian Michaels and Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone, but I'm all caught up on those, so I've been listening to Cut The Fat Podcast. I love hearing what different sources have to say, but something they discussed shocked me. I'm hoping it was maybe just a misunderstanding on my part, or maybe I can blame it on the fact that part of my brain was still focusing on driving and missed something key, but from what I did understand, they claimed that it is not helpful to weight loss to do intense cardio. There was some long-winded scientific explanation about burning carbs instead of fat, and basically they flat out said that jogging was worse for you in terms of weight loss when compared to walking.

Now I'm sure there's all kinds of ways where that would be true. If I walked for 3 hours but jogged 30 minutes, I'm sure walking would be better. Or if I walked 5 times a week but only jogged twice. But all things equal, how would lower intensity exercise be better? What happened to calories in vs. calories out? Isn't it better to burn more calories, and have a higher 'after-burn'?

They do favour interval training above all else, but I'm really at a loss. How can burning fewer calories be better for you if you are trying to lose weight?

There's A Big Hard Sun, Beating On The Big People, In The Big Hard World

I just finished watching Into The Wild (which is conveniently #145 on IMDb's Top 250 Movies list). I didn't know the story at all before watching it, and it was a beautiful movie. The scenery is amazing, great music (I mean it's Eddie Veder!), and it's an interesting story. And it definitely makes me want to include some Thoreau in my reading adventures. Definitely worth a watch.

The Rain's Gonna Wash Away I Believe It

A very long day that started with a difficult run, followed by a wedding dress fitting (not mine!), a very long afternoon of exam marking, then dinner and laughs till midnight. I'm tired and ready for bed.

I should include that so far, all my meal challenges have gone quite smoothly. I am getting rather good at this me thinks! But tomorrow will be the really tough one, eating at an amusement park. Yikes.

Shiny Happy People Holding Hands

For a Friday, it wasn't a great work day. I don't think I'll get into it, I've ranted more than enough on Nick* and my bookclub girls tonight, it's just a frustrating situation and I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place and basically just have to let myself be taken advantage of or risk being the squeaking wheel that people will think twice before hiring in the future. When there are so few teaching jobs out there right now, it does not pay to be the squeaky wheel.

Needless to say, I wasn't in a great mood heading out for dinner with the girls. I felt bad for my car pool buddy cause I ranted quite a bit. But I calmed down after talking it out, and had a really great evening with the girls. I am so lucky to be a part of this group of friends; they really are amazing, and it's so nice to have a group of girlfriends that get together on a regular basis.

My dilemma today is learning how to get along with someone's spouse who you really don't like. She is my oldest friend. Him, I find to be a condescending know-it-all. And tonight he felt like giving me unsolicited advice on what I chose to put as my Facebook status. Because apparently I am too dumb to have considered my thoughts (or privacy settings) before putting it into writing. Unfortunately, the wedding is this fall and I'm in the wedding party, so I really have to play nice, at least until the wedding is over. And lucky me, it sounds like the bride and groom and I will be having dinner tomorrow night. Again, I love her dearly. Him, I can't stand. And I've only met him a few times! I try not to make such quick judgements on people, but I haven't heard anything come out of his mouth (or in his excessive Facebook comments) that doesn't sound like an arrogant jerk that just wants everyone to realize how super intelligent he is and how stupid the rest of us must be in comparison. Personally, I find it overbearing and rude how he talks down to people. But she seems crazy happy with him, so who am I to say anything? I'm happy that she is happy, I just cringe at the thought of being around the guy. So what do you do? How do you bite your tongue when, if it were any other random person, you would give them a piece of your mind? I don't know how much more of his attitude I can take before I snap; I just have to keep reminding myself that I am keeping the peace for her sake/happiness. Could be a tough dinner date tomorrow though.

And yes, I have deleted him from Facebook. As juvenile as it sounds, he can't bug me if he's not there.

Everybody Dies But Not Everybody Lives

Another long day. Exam #2 (hey, proctoring and marking is tiring work!) and then baseball. We had a great game; we played against a really friendly team and just had a lot of laughs. We've yet to win a game, but we keep getting better!

I'm really starting to feel like my choices are becoming my new habit, like binging isn't necessarily my instinct anymore. I still think about it, but I'm more easily swayed towards making the right decision, whereas I used to be more along the lines of binge first, think later. I like it. It is actually making it easier to live healthy for the long run. I hope it sticks. Permanently.

I did spend some time on my goals last night and making up some lists; once I finalize any of them, I will get them posted!

Take Control Of Your Mind And Meditate, Let Your Soul Gravitate To The Love

I had a fabulous run today! Even with the lovely mist I was being covered with, I felt nearly invincible. What a difference it made to do 3 (albeit longer) intervals as oppose to 4. What a great run. It was almost effortless (I said almost!) until I under-estimated where my last interval would end, and then had to run an extra (long) block. But overall, I feel great.  Now I just need to get caught up on the almost two weeks I am behind!

I feel like I've been mildly ignoring my goals recently, and especially since Nick started the 100 pushup challenge earlier this week, I really feel like I should start working on some of them a little more intensely. I think I will hold off on the pushups until winter (it's a good indoor activity), but there's lots of things I could be doing, and with 6 weeks of vacation coming up, I could be getting together a list of books to read as I lounge in the sun! So I hope to put together some ideas for my literary goals over the next few days. I am also attempting to put together some good quotes for my top 101, so here is a sample:

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

You can't escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

- Abraham Lincoln

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

- James Oppenheim

A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse.

- Stephen Dolley Jr

   

I'm Waking Up At The Start Of The End Of The World, But It's Feeling Just Like Every Other Morning Before

About my run yesterday. It was such a handbag of thoughts and emotions!

First, I just wanted to get it over with; enough with the 4 long intervals! I have been running the same route since I started Couch to 5K a couple of years ago, adding on to it as I need to run further, and I decided to run the route in reverse. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes, just running in the opposite direction. It just throws a completely different perspective on the scenery. Plus I couldn't try to guess where I would finish each interval. Mostly a good thing.

Somewhere in my 2nd interval, I jogged by two moms chatting on a park bench. I have no idea whatsoever what they were chatting about, but they glanced over at me as I ran by, and suddenly I felt like a runner. I felt like that girl that people watch run by and are envious of because she can run and you can't (I used to be those people). I felt like that girl I used to hate because she could do it and I couldn't, because she had the gumption to get off the couch and do something. But all of a sudden it was me! I was that girl! I've never been that girl! For likely the first time, I felt like a real runner, like I actually belonged on the street in my running shoes, and not like a fat girl just faking it. It was a great feeling, and put a tremendous bounce in my step. I think I ran a bit faster (which may have tired me out!).

Somewhere in my 3rd interval came the crash after the high. I was back to resenting the fact that I felt trapped in my set training schedule that I have fallen behind on. I was feeling like I had to force myself to do this each time; how was I ever going to train for a half marathon?? I don't enjoy giving up an hour and a half several times a week just to punish myself. Would I ever run faster than this? Would I even make it through this exhausting run?

Somewhere in my 4th interval, I realized the end was in sight. My wandering mind had settled on to a rant I was just dying to post about to see what people thought. My running woes, well, at least those of self-adequacy, were gone. I was loathing the households who felt it necessary to water the sidewalk. And here comes the rant/soapbox:
I thought sidewalks were for pedestrians; have I been wrong all this time? Why is it ok to block the sidewalk in any way? I've had to run around parked cars in the past, which I find mildly annoying (what if I was a parent with a stroller? Am I expected to push the stroller through the grass and on the road because you're ignorant?). But last night I had to avoid several sprinklers at the peril of getting soaked. That's not what the sidewalk is for! Do people have no consideration for others?? Then there's the people playing some kind of sport. Last night it was lacrosse at one house, road hockey at another. I am very happy to see people outside, enjoying the weather and each others company, and doing something active. But why does that mean that I, as the pedestrian on the sideWALK, have to fear balls flying at my head or my shins? Does it not occur to you to maybe a) step off the sidewalk while someone walks/runs by, or b) hold the ball until said person has passed? It's just simple consideration for other people! Or what about those couples who walk side by side, and don't share any on the sidewalk as you walk by from the other direction? (that didn't happen to me last night, but it has happened many times before). Did they miss the 'sharing' day in kindergarden?? I really hate that common courtesy is no longer 'common'. And I hate that I just don't have it in me to stop doing those considerate things so that I could just match what it seems like the rest of the population is doing; I don't have it in me to be that consciously inconsiderate.
I will now dismount soapbox.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted, and still had a ton of school work to do. Exam week so far has been very tiring, which I did not expect.

I haven't checked my speed at all for the last few weeks of training, and I finally decided to see how much distance I was covering in my 1 hour run (walking intervals and warmup/cooldown included). I shocked myself to see that I had covered just over 7 km last night. That 8km run isn't that far off! I'm raelly happy to see that. Maybe having the faster music really does encourage me subconsciously to run faster. I'll take it!

I reverted back to my Tuesday night Weight Watchers weigh-in and sadly weighed in at 177 lbs. But I had to remind myself that I had weighed in Saturday MORNING and it was now Tuesday NIGHT. That alone could easily count for the pound gain, and all my daily morning weigh-ins have been losses, so I know I shouldn't stress about it. I just hate the thought of recording a gain, expecially since I have had a great couple of weeks. And next Tuesday's weigh-in is a long way away, expecially since there is about 6 meals away from home this weekend. Yikes!

I was sadly back to feeling like an imposter. Over the last 6 months, when I have sat in my Weight Watchers meeting and our amazing leader DK* brings up a stackful of celebrations and goals achieved, I've felt like an imposter. I didn't belong there, I wasn't losing weight, in fact many (many) weeks, I was gaining. How could I show up and expect to fit in with a roomful of people losing weight when I so badly wasn't? I felt humiliated and yet no one knew, so now I was a liar too.

I expected to feel different this week. Even with my gain, shouldn't I have felt proud of how well I have been doing? But no, the celebrations stack was even bigger than usual, and I haven't had a celebration since early December. I hardly belonged in that room of high achievers. Some women there get a 5 lbs star every other week. I haven't seen one in half a year. But I shall persevere!

This week will be tough. Dinner out at Mongolian Grill Friday night, lunch out with Irene* after her wedding dress fitting, then dinner at her parent's place, then a whole day at Canada's Wonderland... If it was only one meal out, I could handle it no problem, but I have to get myself unscathed through an entire weekend of meals that are out of my control. I have a plan but it could get messy. Salad, eat half, small portions, no drinks/snacks, nothing fried, no treats. I hope it works!

I'm Your Hell, I'm Your Dream, I'm Nothing In Between

While I do want to write about my run tonight, it will have to wait until tomorrow; I am exhausted. Today was the last day of class and I had a bunch of re-tests to write up for tomorrow, a run and dinner, as well as next week's meal plan to finish so I could get groceries after work tomorrow (I was very glad that I didn't have dinners to plan for Friday, Saturday or Sunday this week; not so glad that it means I am eating out).

Either way, tomorrow I will have news of my run euphoria and my run rant. It's a good one!

I Can't Step Off The Cloud And I Just Can't Get Enough

It was a pretty fabulous weekend. The weather was beautiful, we spent both afternoons out in the sun with family, it doesn't get much better than that.

Yesterday afternoon we were up at Nick's dad's place, on a small river in a quiet small (small) town about an hour north of us. We sat in the sun, I got to go on my first ATV ride (so much fun!), saw lots of wildlife (jack rabbits, friendly eat-out-of-your-hand chipmunks, turtles), did some fishing (I caught a HUGE 3 inch bass), and had a great BBQ dinner, followed by a fire under the stars. It doesn't get much better than that.

Today we went over to my parents for dinner. While not out in the country, we enjoyed their new back deck and were entertained by their own wildlife: squirrels, chipmunks, and lots of birds including a couple of cardinals. It was a wonderful weekend.

I even managed to do quite well food-wise. I ate lightly during the day, knowing the meals would be out of my hands. I estimated my points as best as I could and even managed to have 1 extra point yesterday. Today I ate a bit more indulgently, but used my weekly points and all was good. The only down side to the weekend is that I didn't coax myself into a run.

I feel like I've trapped myself into this training schedule and I'm fighting the rigidity of it, even if it is self-imposed. I feel like if I want to exercise at all, it's obligatory to be a run, even though maybe I'd like to just go for a walk, or maybe to a class at the gym instead. Thursdays are eaten up by baseball now, which I love, but gives me one less day to potentially run. There seems to be at least one other day during the week that just doesn't work out, and Tuesdays are my grocery and Weight Watchers day. And who wants to run on a Friday?? So my time is getting limited. But since tomorrow is the last day of class, and the rest of the week is exams, I'm hoping a lighter schedule is in my future and I can get caught up on my lagging running schedule soon.

Amazing That We Got This Far, It's Like We're Chasing All Those Stars

I went in to Weight Watchers this morning and had a loss of 4 lbs! Very exciting; I am now only 7 lbs away from where I was before Christmas. There is indeed hope for me yet.

I didn't get a run in last night or this morning; I'm dreading this last 4 interval run and wanting to skip right to the 3 interval run for next week. But I need to get back on track. Although the 2 runs I did this week are much better than the no runs I did last week. Life is good.

Nick* and I are off to visit with his dad for Father's Day tonight; I am making a broccoli salad somewhat similar to this, but with sunflower seeds, cheese and apple cider vinegar so that I will have a healthy choice to go alongside the burgers we are having. And hopefully I will be able to stop at half a burger, and no big dessert! Wish me luck!

Give Me Everything Tonight, For All We Know We Might Not Get Tomorrow

I happily saw 178.8 on the scale this morning, and then proceeded to have a spectacularly challenging day (food-wise). I told my kids they could bring in snacks and treats today if they wanted, and I would bring in my ipod and speakers, and Timbits. Luckily, the assorted pack didn't contain any of my favourite Timbit (sour cream glazed), so although it was tough not eating any, it could have been worse. Plus I continuously reminded myself that one Timbit is not worth 3 points, and that I know that if I have one Timbit, it's very unlikely to stop there. But then, last period of the day, one of my students brought in 5 large pizzas for everyone. It was a tough thing to resist, but I told myself I would be very proud of myself if I did, and I came through! I was so happy with myself this afternoon.

I came home to make dinner, but Nick* had forgotten to take out the chicken to defrost, so we had to come up with plan B. We opted for Extreme Pita; a chicken souvlaki pita is just 9 points! I love that. Normally if we eat out, no matter how healthy, it is more points than what I would normally cook at home. I love having this option now for on-the-run meals. And a small is the perfect size. And I'm rounding out dinner with a couple of points worth of Chee-Cha Puffs. I did well today!

Intuition Tells Me How To Live My Day

In exciting news, I saw the beautiful 179.0 lbs on the scale this morning! Go big or go home I guess. I was very happy to see that.

I listened to a podcast the other day about intuitive eating; basically the art of just knowing what to eat and how much, being mindful of your eating habits. The big question was, could you practice intuitive eating while trying to lose weight. Personally, I'd be inclined to think no, at least not when you first start your journey of weight loss. Obviously your radar isn't quite set right or else you wouldn't be overweight! I think it is good to work towards eventually being a mindful eater, I doubt anyone really wants to have to track calories (or points) diligently for the rest of their lives, but if I knew how to eat properly, I wouldn't be in this position! Plus I think so many of us just don't know what the right thing to eat is. Although us dieters may be incredibly educated in calorie counts and exercise techniques, do our eyes really know what a proper portion size is? Do we really know when our body is craving protein, or carbs? I suppose I can only speak for myself, but my lack of reading my body signals is what got me overweight. I didn't listen when my stomach was bursting at the seams, I just get eating the salt & vinegar chips because the bag wasn't empty. My gauge was whether I finished the entire thing, not whether I was still hungry or not. My visual cues are all wrong for eating healthy, and I need to continue to work on resetting that before I can trust that I instinctively know what the right things to eat are, how much of it to eat, and when.

Any thoughts?

It's Something Unpredictable But In The End It's Right

Tonight's run was tough, even tougher than Monday's! Although Monday I had the pleasure of running in the rain, whereas tonight it was hot and sunny, even though I waited until almost 7:30pm to go out. I really struggled yet again with my breathing and I felt even slower than usual by about halfway through, I was barely dragging my feet off the ground. But I kept telling myself that I have never not finished a run, and I wasn't about to not finish it.

I started Week 6 of the 8km training podcast on Monday, so I am now doing 4 intervals of 12 minute run/1 minute walk; that 1 minute walk is the devil! By the time I finish the 12 minutes, all I want to do is hunch over my knees and pant until I regain my breath. But instead, I have 60 seconds, and I try so hard to force myself to take deep breaths, stand up straight, and take a break. Those 60 seconds just do not seem long enough; I feel like I haven't even had the chance to let my breath slow down at all, and then the chimes are going again and I'm suppose to be back to running. And getting started again after a not-long-enough break is a challenge sometimes. I will be quite happy (so I say now) to get to next week, with 3 intervals of 15 minute run/1 minute walk. Maybe 3 intervals will make it seem better, even though the runs are significantly longer.

I did not break into the 170's this morning, but sat still at 180.0 lbs, which I should be happy to maintain after a potluck dinner! But I really am hoping to see a drop tomorrow (even though I also know I should not be weighing in daily; it's what I do).

It's Like Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need Is A Knife

As usual, I worry too much about nothing.

The potluck party went just fine. I sat with people I didn't really know, we chatted, for the most part I didn't feel too terribly uncomfortable even though I was still overly self-conscious. But everyone was friendly, and I even got a parting gift since I'm done at the school (for now; hopefully I will be back!). All in all, it was a good evening, and I was able to eat pretty well. I filled half my plate with salads, and sampled a bit of the main courses, and enjoyed a bit of cheesecake for dessert. I was pretty happy with how I did.

I also quite happily weighed in at 180.0 lbs this morning; that was part of my motivation tonight, because I would love to see the 170s tomorrow. At the very least, when I finally get to Weight Watchers to weigh in on Saturday, it will definitely be a loss!

I know my biggest challenges right now are eating in places where I can't control the food; when I eat at home, it's no problem. We have plans to have dinner with Nick's dad on Saturday and with my parents on Sunday, so I will have to get through two meals that I can't really measure and track as accurately as I would like to. I just wish there was a week where I could keep everything under my control so I could see how I fare. But I guess that's not real life, so I better get use to it.

Come On And Get Up, Move Your Body

I hadn't ran in over a week, and it was a procrastinating struggle to get my butt out the door, but I finally did and got a run in. It was a difficult run, I had a tough time getting an even breathing pattern going and I had a lot of random aches and pains in my knees and legs. But I did it and will hopefully get back into the habit of running regularly. I'm proud of myself for making the right decision when all I wanted to do was get comfy on the couch. And I can still say that I've never felt worse after a workout.

I spent some time yesterday compiling some of the movies I'll be watching for my various film goals, and there's lots to look forward to. I can't wait to finally see all these classic moments in history, from Some Like It Hot, to Psycho, to Schindler's List. I even found a way to work in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Tomorrow night will be a challenge food-wise; there's a potluck party for all the women staff at my high school (the guys do their own weekend at the cottage too). I'm not really terribly inclined to go; a social event with a bunch of people I don't know very well isn't exactly my cup of tea. I always feel so awkward and socially inept, not to mention I am sure there are still several teachers that won't even recognize me or know who I am. (and yes, I realize that's all the more reason to go, to get to know these people). But I know that I should go, not only because I want to be at this school long-term and should continue to strengthen relationships with staff, but to push myself to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I have the feeling that most of these women know each other fairly well, so I imagine I will be surrounded by inside jokes and comfortable banter, whereas I will be relegated to get-to-know-you small talk, which is what tends to make me most uncomfortable. I really don't know how I ended up as such a social reject, but I am so bad at these interactions. I feel like I try too hard, I don't want to say the wrong thing, I worry about doing the wrong thing (whatever that even is at a party), and because I'm stressing so much about all those things, I end up doing (so I think) exactly what I am trying not to do. I worry about ending up sitting by myself, looking sad and pathetic and potentially unapproachable. I worry about trying to join in a conversation when I'm not actually wanted. It's such a mess. Not to mention that the party is further away from the school (which is already a 45 minute drive) by I'm guessing about 20 minutes. I say guessing because I also have yet to be given directions on how to get there, so I also have to awkwardly ask for some, or ask to follow someone out there and hope I can find my way home. And yet my chicken divan is cooling and ready to go with me to school tomorrow. Sometimes I don't understand why I torture myself. Nor do I understand why I am so self-conscious in the first place.

Because You're Mine, I Walk The Line

I started today off right; it was the Weight Watchers 5 km Walk-It Challenge and I even managed to drag Nick* with me. There was a ton of people gathered at the Running Room, some I recognized from meetings, many I didn't. It was a cool morning, so it was a nice walk downtown. And the watermelon afterwards was quite delicious. I just want my charm for my key ring!

Last night I managed to complete my first goal, and by really no doing of my own. When friends called to invite us out to dinner, it was to an ethnic resturant I had never tried before, which is Goal #65. Village of Thai was fantastic! It actually met 3 of my goals (ethnic restaurant, one of 10 new restaurants, and a food I've never tried, since I had Phad Thai) but I'm not that cheap and will only count it for one. I am incredibly happy to have my first goal checked off the list! That nice green check beside it on Day Zero looks beautiful. And in keeping with Goal #61 (take a picture and blog about each of my goals), here is last night's photo op:

Yes I had glorious leftovers and no, this is not Nick* (he had to take the picture so Nexi* jumped in). We had a fantastic evening; there was 4 couples all together and it was nice to sit and chat. And of course we later ended up at the latin dancing lounge where I danced for an hour and hopefully burned off some of the Phad Thai calories!

Don't You Wanna Stay Here A Little While?

I entered down the slippery slope yesterday, and discovered I am just not ready to eat outside of my strict planned meals. A co-worker asked me again to join her for lunch out our school café, and with my career in such a precarious balance with so few teaching jobs in my area, I am hesitant to say no to any invitation to socialize and network. So despite my packed lunch, I joined her. I didn't fair so bad, homemade pizza and salad bar stuff, and then a piece of puff pastry with chocolate chips pizza dessert. Maybe not the best of choices, but still regular eating in the real world. I figured I could stop there, that I would be able to just go back to what I had planned for dinner, but in my morning rush, I had forgot to take out chicken for dinner, and I was itching to eat out. We ended up at Extreme Pita, which is still a relatively healthy choice, and I chose not to have a side with it, so I was still feeling ok with myself.

But then we ended up at the Millcreek* Fair. And that led me to convince myself that it is a rare occurence and that means treats are ok, because they aren't an everyday thing. So then came the twist soft serve cone, and parts of Nick's funnel cake. Not a pig out by any means, but certainly not good choices.

This morning, I chose not to go for a run, for no good reason other than laziness and I just didn't want to. This is the first week since I started training that I didn't go for a single run. I almost had myself talked into going for a short non-podcast run, because I'm starting to feel like the long runs are intimidating me. But alas, the angel on my shoulder convincing me to do the right thing got beat out by the devil doing cartwheels and saying "Look what I can do!"

Then came our cadet annual inspection, which is always followed by a luncheon. You know the scene, LOTS of sandwich platters, veggies and dip, and cookies and two-bite brownies. My pre-planned strategy had been to allow myself one treat, in particular one naniamo bar (because of course there would be naniamo bars, there always are). But by the time we got to the table, the naniamo bars were long gone, and somehow 4-5 sandwich quarters, 2 two-bite brownies and a cookie ended up on my plate.

By dinner, I was feeling pretty weak willed, and when we were invited out with some friends, it was easy to say yes and order appetizers and eat a large portion of Phad Thai with abandon. And the foodie pièce de resitance was the Kit Kat bar from out convenience store visit. What was that? As if I needed that in any way, shape or form. But it was gone in seconds, and I was almost sneaking it in the kitchen because I didn't want anyone to see me eating it shortly after our large dinner.

The end of our night took us out to a local lounge for latin night. I did have one drink, which also didn't help my caloric destruction, but that was the least of my worries. I was somewhat dressed up, but very quickly felt fat and frumpy sitting on the bench with all the thin, pretty girls around me in their cute shirts and flouncy skirts. I felt ridiculously out of place. And then when Snowie* pulled me up to the dance floor, I was certainly the odd one out of us 5 girls. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, I had zero confidence to even be in the room, let alone attempting to latin dance in front of all these people. Add to it the shame I felt of my poor eating choices in the last day, and I prayed that I would never let go of this feeling and fight to lose the weight so that I would never have to feel like that again. I should have been having fun. No one seemed to care if anyone knew how to latin dance or not. Nobody laughed at me. But I was embarassed and ashamed, and I hate that I felt that way. I had forgotten that bars made me feel so inadequate as a girl. I had forgotten how I feel being the unattractive girl that people look right through as if I'm not even there. I hated sitting at an open bench and not having the security of a table in front of me that blocked view of my midsection; I hated the feeling of constantly wanting to tug at my shirt to try to hide my pudgy tummy and wide butt. I hated all the things I felt about myself, because I figure that by my age, I should be over all those things and just letting myself have fun, but I can't let go.

I'm mad at myself for falling down that rabbit hole, for letting one lunch that really wasn't that bad become a day and a half of not-so-great eating. I was doing really well this week, and I threw it all away for what? I didn't have to make those choices.

My hope is that I retain what I felt tonight, dancing in the middle of that dance floor. I felt out of place, awkward, not confident, fat, unfashionable and clumsy. I felt like people were watching me feel awkward and that just gave them one more reason to mock the fat girl. I know one of our friends made a somewhat thoughtless comment about his girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure Nick* shields me from anything they say about me, or anything he himself thinks. But I'm miserable in this skin. This is not who I want to be. And I don't want this feeling to fade, because I desperately need to remember what I am fighting for, so that when faced with tough food choices, I make the right ones and feel better for it. I guarantee that if I had've eaten better today and gone for a run, I would have felt better about myself tonight and I wouldn't have weighed any less. So I need to continue to make the connection that healthy eating and exercise makes me feel better about myself no matter what the scale says.

I don't want to hang on to the feelings of shame, I just want to hang on to the sentiment of wanting to be a different person and wanting to feel confident and like I belong in a place like that.

It Only Takes One Tree To Make A Thousand Matches, It Only Takes One Match To Burn A Thousand Trees

It is a hot sweltering day, so much so that I even took my kids outside for class today. It's hard to love teaching on the 3rd floor on days like today.

I did measure and track everything very accurately today and my turkey/cheese/lettuce/tomato on thin bagel with Miracle Whip was fantastic!

As intended, I'm monitoring how I feel before and after dinner. Before dinner, I was looking forward to the meal; it looked so colourful (pork chop with mushrooms and onion, baked potato topped with bruschetta, and mixed veggies). I was quite hungry, and finally feeling ready to calm down a bit after the insane week we've had. I had made really good choices today. When I got home and was feeling snack-y, I had some baby carrots and then made some baked kale (more on that later). I usually crave carbs when I get home, and munch on croutons or crackers. So I was very happy with myself for making better choices.

I ate dinner slowly, although distracted by both my latest episode of Numb3rs and this very post! It was quite tasty, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. When I was done, I tuned in to my stomach and was definitely satisfied and full. It did annoy me, however, that literally as I was chewing my last bite off my plate, my mind flips to "What can I have for dessert?". I don't have any dessert planned for tonight, but I have 4 points left over. But I am full, so why do I need dessert?? I always seem to want a sweet taste in my mouth to finish a meal. I've tried having one small chocolate after dinner just to get the taste, but it's a slippery slope and it's hard to stop at one sometimes.

I found a Hungry Girl recipe for baked kale, which claimed to be a 'potato-chip like snack', and who am I to resist a claim like that? I surprisingly found kale at Price Chopper and while hungry and craving carbs before dinner, I decided to give it a try. I followed the recipe to a T, but it was not a success. It tasted like eating the burnt remnants off a barbeque, and they had the texture of crunchy air. It didn't turn me off of kale, but it certainly qualified as a new food I haven't tried before, so I am therefore one-fifth of the way to completing Goal #70. I have some kale left over so I will have to find a new recipe to give it a second try.

I've Been Changing, I Think It's Funny How No One Knows

My weigh-in at Weight Watchers came in at 180.2 lbs tonight, and I'm ok with that. But it's game on; I've filled my booklet, so I can have nothing but success in my new one if I want it.

My eating habits have been fairly good over the last week. Not perfect, but I'm happy about it. The part that I'm struggling with is getting my runs in. Life has been so busy and even if I do have the time, I'm so drained that I know I need the rest more than the run. I'm not mad at myself, and I'm finally learning to not worry about my speed anymore, just to do the program. But I wish I wasn't now a full week behind in my training schedule.

It looks like I will be teaching two weeks of summer school, which is nice. Not quite the full summer school I was hoping for, but I get to drive to the school I'm currently teaching at instead of a further, and work for the same principal, which is great. And it means an extra 3 weeks of holidays so I can't really complain about that! Hopefully I can get in those extra runs once the chaos of school is over. Only 9 teaching days left!

I want to try and keep track of how I feel before and after dinner time each day, since that's when I typically overeat. I'm not sure how to assess myself really, but I think it's worth a try. I listened to a podcast yesterday about intuitive eating, and it would be really nice to learn my hunger signals much better, as well as trying to curb eating for reasons other than hunger.

I've been getting a flood of OA emails from the email loop and I have yet to have the chance to sit and wade through them; 51 came in from just one day, and I was already 5 days behind, and more just keep coming! I'm not sure I'll be able to catch up. I haven't been in another meeting yet, but I would like to give it another chance.

Half The Time The World Is Ending, Truth Is I Am Done Pretending

I attended my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting yesterday online (did I just break the code of anonymity by saying that??). It was an interesting experience. I expected there to be tips and suggestions and feedback, but all it really seemed to be was a chance to get things off your chest, people listen to you completely, then thank you for sharing. That was it. Now I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I just don't see the immediate benefit to it. I feel like I already ramble on to Nick* plenty about all my weight loss trials and tribulations, and heaven knows I do enough journal writing to get it all out. So I'm not quite sure what to expect of this. But I've signed up for the Newcomer Orientation and a email loop, so we'll see how it goes. I want to at least give it a sincere effort.

We've been busy trying to organize our house and purge old things lately, and since we have very (VERY) little storage space, we went out to Walmart tonight to see if we could get an armoire or shelving unit of some kind. Nick* was hungry so we stopped in the attached McDonald's. I was surprised to find myself feeling what I assume is a normal person's response to fast food: nothing. I wasn't craving, I wasn't turned off by it, I just wasn't hungry and could stare at the big pictures and not flinch (normally I would instantly crave their fries and a Big Mac). I checked out their posted nutritional info and had an iced coffee. Done deal. It was a new experience for me, to be surrounded by the sights and smells of food and not be affected in any way. Is this what a normal relationship with food is suppose to be?

Put The Heartbeat Back Inside, All You Did Was Save My Life

I've been very fortunate to drop some weight very quickly, as I have done very well in my eating habits in the last few days. Today the scale showed me 182.2 lbs and I am very happy to be back within spitting distance of the 170s.

I had a really great lunch adventure today. I had brought my lunch to work of course, but then a fellow co-worker asked me to join her for lunch in our fancy cafe (my school has a great culinary program, so there is lunch available every day, and it's not your regular cafeteria food let me tell you) and whilst trying to build up my contacts and networking capabilities, I was loathe to turn her down. So I ate part of my lunch early, to stave off massive hungry as I walked down the buffet later. Once lunchtime hit, I filled my plate with mostly salads and a small piece of homemade cheese pizza. It was all delicious. Now usually at the cafe, I tell myself no dessert unless it's carrot cake. They always have big chocolate chip cookies and about 5 other luscious dessert options to choose from each day, so I tell myself only if it's carrot cake, and nothing else is an option. Heaven knows I really only like that and really rich chocolate desserts anyway, no sense eating that many calories if it's not REALLLLLLY good. Today they had a dense chocolate torte, homemade chocolate ice cream sundaes and.... carrot cake. How did I possibly stand a chance?

At this point, the usual head game began. First I tried to rationalize why I might deserv a treat. I'd done really well for the last few days, was planning on going for a run when I got home, played baseball last night, it was just one piece... My co-worker was also fighting the urge to pick up a piece of that delicious, moist cake. We asked someone else at the table who had just finished a piece if it was good enough to be worth it. She could've lied to us to help us out, but no, she suggested we just don't eat the thick icing. Right. However, that of course got my mind churning with further possibilities. Maybe I could split a piece with someone, or as suggested, leave the icing on the plate. It was just this one treat.

But then I remembered a little tidbit of inspiration I heard somewhere. Of all my resources, between podcasts, websites and books, I can't remember where I heard it, but it's what ultimately saved me today. I told myself that eating that piece of carrot cake would not be a desicion that would take me a step in the right direction towards achieving my goal. That piece of carrot cake was the opposite of achieving my goal. And I also knew that it likely wouldn't stop at that piece of cake, because then the floodgates would be open, and I'd want more sugar, and more desserts, and more more more. So I suggested to my co-worker that we get up from the table and head back upstairs to our office. And that we did. I had one Hershey's Kiss (one! Really? Just one?? I'm capable of that??) and that was the end of it. And that bag of Kisses sat in my briefcase all afternoon, but I didn't have any more. I was very proud of my decisions.

Even later when I came home, I poured myself a portion of those light airy butter twists, the ones that are barely 2 points for a big cupful, and instantly after I poured it, gave them to Nick* and decided to have lentil chips with roasted red pepper hummus. How did healthful foods become my preference? Probably when I realized they were much more flavourful than processed stuff.

I didn't end up going for a run tonight, but I'm ok with that. I'm learning to not beat myself up for my choices. I felt the need to just relax tonight, and it was worth it. No guilt.

Why Don't You And I Get Together. We'll Take On The World And Be Together Forever

My husband is amazing. He picks me up when I fall, and knows well enough not to say I told you so the next morning after he manages to out-stubborn me. He is my world, he is my everything, and I can't imagine going through this life without him. It just had to be said.

That aside, today is the official first day of my list of 101 things. I started off the morning at a chunky 186.6 lbs and rounded it off with a run. Never say never. Of course I'm still fighting, what else would I do? I've got too many goals on my list that involve me losing the weight, and I couldn't very well give up before it even started.

I just finished part of a goal; I wrote myself a Day 1 letter to be read on Day 1001.

February 27, 2014, here I come.