I wish that were true. Today I wish I could be someone else. Hell, I'd even settle for just a better version of me. I don't really like who I am, and I don't really know how to change it. The problem is I lack the drive to just get up in the morning and do the things that I wish I would do, be the person that I wish I would be. Procrastinating is much easier, and apparently I like the easy road. Maybe it's because I typically don't get the easy road for much, so I take it where I can. And then I just end up feeling guilty for moaning about my big first world problems. Strangely enough, that doesn't actually make me feel any better about myself either. And around and around we go...
I have an amazing husband. But my luck and abilities apparently stop there. We've been fighting for years to get our own house (that may or may not happen in the spring, and if it does, I don't think it will be a house that we are entirely happy about, due to changing rates and mortgage rules). We've spent almost 7 years fighting with lousy tenants, the most current of which who has yet to pay rent on time since he signed the lease, and as I type is smoking in the basement (to which I am allergic). I have fought to get through school, to get into teacher's college, to get a (supply) job, to get more permanent jobs, and all I get is the carrot dangled in front of me that snapped back. I am happy to have supply teaching, but all it does is make me want a real/permanent teaching job. If I wasn't on a supply list, I would have moved on by now, and maybe have a real career. We don't really even consider having kids because it just wouldn't be a good decision right now, financially. I've been fighting for about 20 years to get my weight under control. We know how successful that's been. I feel like a victim, and I feel like I have been fighting for so long NOT to be a victim, and I'm out of energy to fight it. Everything I work for seems to fail. So why bother trying? At least if I stopped fighting, I wouldn't feel disappointment. If I could learn to stop wanting more in life for us, for myself, I wouldn't feel so let down.
I know we have it better than so many people in the world. We don't have to worry about not having enough food to eat, or shelter over our head. I don't discount that. What I resent the most lately is the fact that we've been trained to always push for bigger and better things. We've been told to dream big and go after those dreams. It's ingrained in us. But the whole "fall down 7 times, get up 8" isn't working for me anymore. I am so tired of dragging myself up just to get hit back down again. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to just stay down and stop taking the abuse?
The worst part is, the one thing that I actually can control (my weight), I can't even get my head wrapped around solving that problem. I mean the job, the house, we can do 100% right on our end, but there are still outside factors, hence why I don't have a permanent job despite doing everything that was asked of me and then some. My weight hinges on me and only me. And I apparently am incapable of even fixing that.
So right now I question what am I good for, in any sense?
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Monday 26 November 2012
I'm Blue, If I Were Green I Would Die
So I had a depressing realization today. In all honesty, I don't think it was a new revelation, I think it was me stepping out of denial. My weight loss attempts are not succeeding. Not because of my lack of planning, or because I'm not following the right 'plan', or because I'm not trying hard enough. Well, kinda the last one, but let me explain:
I have (almost) 30 years of programming in my brain that is messing me up. (About 20 of those have been spent on the weight loss roller coaster).
It doesn't matter if I follow Weight Watchers, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Blogilates (worth checking out), or a meal/exercise plan that I (or even an expert) create solely for me. It's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me. My plans are good. Most 'diets' are good (minus the Cabbage Soup, that's just dumb. And by 'diet', I mean in it's actual definition, "The kinds of food that a person habitually eats", not what latest plan and/or gimmick one follows to lose weight). I've had fabulous plans worked out and prepped, and even now, I think they were absolutely fabulous, perfectly tailored to me and no reason why they should not guide me to weight loss. I'll say again, the plan is not the problem. I am.
When Friday night roles around and I am feeling tired and ready to relax after a chaotic week, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When friends set out a bowl of chips while we play Clue on Saturday night, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When I'm craving Chinese food, it doesn't matter what the plan says. I'm talked about my fog before, the daze/trance that I seem to disappear into that can argue any logical reasoning not to overindulge, or to not skip a workout. But the fog always wins, logic never seems to prevail, and here I sit, still around 190 lbs. And it quite clearly has nothing to so with the plan.
So today I am at a loss. I'm tapped out. Not necessarily tapped out of desire to fix this, but tapped out of ideas. I've restarted so many times, I feel like I've tried it all, and then gone back and tried it all again just to be sure. But no matter which plan I follow, it doesn't change the result. I do really well for a few weeks and lose a good amount of weight, I fizzle a bit and go up and down for a couple of weeks, then fall off completely and gain a bunch back. And in the end, I make no progress and end up just frustrated. And still fat.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what approach to take, I don't know how to change who I am and how I react around food. I need some serious behaviour modification, and I just don't know how to do it. I wish it was as easy as saying "just do it", or "stop eating things you shouldn't" or "eat only in moderation". But obviously if pat words were enough, I would be thin already. If those mantras were enough in those moments of fog, there wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe I still don't want it bad enough. Although I really don't believe that. I'd like to think that maybe daily meditation could work, or positive affirmations, or any fancy psychobabble gimmick, but I would miss one day and get thrown off the bus the same as before.
Bottom line, I have bad behavioural habits. I don't know how to break them. But until I do, I will not be successful.
I really just don't know what to do...
I have (almost) 30 years of programming in my brain that is messing me up. (About 20 of those have been spent on the weight loss roller coaster).
It doesn't matter if I follow Weight Watchers, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Blogilates (worth checking out), or a meal/exercise plan that I (or even an expert) create solely for me. It's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me. My plans are good. Most 'diets' are good (minus the Cabbage Soup, that's just dumb. And by 'diet', I mean in it's actual definition, "The kinds of food that a person habitually eats", not what latest plan and/or gimmick one follows to lose weight). I've had fabulous plans worked out and prepped, and even now, I think they were absolutely fabulous, perfectly tailored to me and no reason why they should not guide me to weight loss. I'll say again, the plan is not the problem. I am.
When Friday night roles around and I am feeling tired and ready to relax after a chaotic week, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When friends set out a bowl of chips while we play Clue on Saturday night, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When I'm craving Chinese food, it doesn't matter what the plan says. I'm talked about my fog before, the daze/trance that I seem to disappear into that can argue any logical reasoning not to overindulge, or to not skip a workout. But the fog always wins, logic never seems to prevail, and here I sit, still around 190 lbs. And it quite clearly has nothing to so with the plan.
So today I am at a loss. I'm tapped out. Not necessarily tapped out of desire to fix this, but tapped out of ideas. I've restarted so many times, I feel like I've tried it all, and then gone back and tried it all again just to be sure. But no matter which plan I follow, it doesn't change the result. I do really well for a few weeks and lose a good amount of weight, I fizzle a bit and go up and down for a couple of weeks, then fall off completely and gain a bunch back. And in the end, I make no progress and end up just frustrated. And still fat.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what approach to take, I don't know how to change who I am and how I react around food. I need some serious behaviour modification, and I just don't know how to do it. I wish it was as easy as saying "just do it", or "stop eating things you shouldn't" or "eat only in moderation". But obviously if pat words were enough, I would be thin already. If those mantras were enough in those moments of fog, there wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe I still don't want it bad enough. Although I really don't believe that. I'd like to think that maybe daily meditation could work, or positive affirmations, or any fancy psychobabble gimmick, but I would miss one day and get thrown off the bus the same as before.
Bottom line, I have bad behavioural habits. I don't know how to break them. But until I do, I will not be successful.
I really just don't know what to do...
Monday 3 September 2012
I'm Off The Wagon And I'm Hitchin' A Ride
Dear Wagon,
It seems that you and I have parted company once again. Here's how I see it:
We were pretty tight about a year and 30 lbs ago. I was comfortable with you, you seemed content with me. We made a pretty good team. Life was good. I was on track to becoming who I wanted to be. I had a trainer at the gym, I was going to Weight Watchers, I was on board. I was down to about 166 lbs. I felt great, and I felt like I was starting to look pretty good too.
Then the training sessions were over (too expensive to continue), and I gained some weight back. The holidays came and I gained some more weight back. I got frustrated with paying for WW for about 2 years to have lost (overall) so little, so I stopped going, and I gained some more weight back. Then I gained some more weight back. Then for the last 6 months, I have gone back and forth from 186 to 194. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I look... not great. I feel overwhelmed with how much I have to lose now just to get back to where I was, let alone to my actual goal weight. And my dear Wagon, I blame you.
Exercise is never really too big of a problem, especially since I am training for a half marathon. Yeah sure, I have good spells and not so good spells. The not so good ones usually coincide with the times when I can't even see your wheels off in the distance, the good stretches I can at least usually see you bumping around the road ahead of me, just a few feet away.
But we really haven't been that great of friends this year, at any point. And I just wish I could figure out how to gain your trust again. I miss that comfortable seat, I miss your safe embrace. I miss the good feelings I get when we are working well together. And I hate that the devil on my shoulder is winning out over our relationship right now. But I don't know how to get rid of that evil voice.
You see, that voice tells me I can't do this. It reminds me constantly that I have failed so many times (which is true), and that logic dictates that I will continue to fail. The voice tells me things like "Well, you ate 100 calories more than you planned, so what difference does it make if you eat the entire carton of ice cream?" and "There's no point working out today; the 200 calories you burn won't put a dent in the pizza and garlic bread you had last night." And even with those non-logical points, the voice wins out. I have no real evidence indicating that I can actually do this for the long haul. Short successful bursts, yes; long term, obviously not (yet).
I hate that I still have hope that I can succeed. It really just torments me every single day. I hate always thinking about food, and I feel like if I didn't have that little inkling of hope, I could just stop caring either way about my weight, no matter what the number on the scale or clothes tags. But apparently my dear Wagon, you tied a tether to my ankle and no matter how far ahead of me you may get, I can't give up on the notion of climbing back aboard.
So are we really at an impasse? Surely we can be on good terms once again. I would really like that. But I think it means we need to be on the same page, and the devil that kept knocking me off your back needs to be in a different book, a different library, than you and I.
It seems, dear Wagon, that you have continued to believe in me all this time: why else would you stay with me, even if you were beyond my sight? So for us to be together, I need to believe in me too. I don't necessarily know how to do that, but I'm going to try.
I know people say you shouldn't expect weight loss to change your life; just because you are smaller doesn't really change your world. But I think for me it just might, becauseif when I succeed, that success will be what changes me. Not my size or the number on the scale, but the feeling of victory, of overcoming the years of being told I didn't do anything right. I'll have proved that I did in fact do something right, something for me, something amazing, something that I never gave up on. Don't get me wrong, that feeling of success is partially what scares me; I just don't know how to let go and embrace that confidence and pride in self. But I want to, I really do.
My dear Wagon, thank you for never letting me go. Please accept my apologies for thinking you had abandoned me. I hope to see more of you in the near future, as we become close friends yet again.
Sincerely Yours,
The Poster Girl
It seems that you and I have parted company once again. Here's how I see it:
We were pretty tight about a year and 30 lbs ago. I was comfortable with you, you seemed content with me. We made a pretty good team. Life was good. I was on track to becoming who I wanted to be. I had a trainer at the gym, I was going to Weight Watchers, I was on board. I was down to about 166 lbs. I felt great, and I felt like I was starting to look pretty good too.
Then the training sessions were over (too expensive to continue), and I gained some weight back. The holidays came and I gained some more weight back. I got frustrated with paying for WW for about 2 years to have lost (overall) so little, so I stopped going, and I gained some more weight back. Then I gained some more weight back. Then for the last 6 months, I have gone back and forth from 186 to 194. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I look... not great. I feel overwhelmed with how much I have to lose now just to get back to where I was, let alone to my actual goal weight. And my dear Wagon, I blame you.
Exercise is never really too big of a problem, especially since I am training for a half marathon. Yeah sure, I have good spells and not so good spells. The not so good ones usually coincide with the times when I can't even see your wheels off in the distance, the good stretches I can at least usually see you bumping around the road ahead of me, just a few feet away.
But we really haven't been that great of friends this year, at any point. And I just wish I could figure out how to gain your trust again. I miss that comfortable seat, I miss your safe embrace. I miss the good feelings I get when we are working well together. And I hate that the devil on my shoulder is winning out over our relationship right now. But I don't know how to get rid of that evil voice.
You see, that voice tells me I can't do this. It reminds me constantly that I have failed so many times (which is true), and that logic dictates that I will continue to fail. The voice tells me things like "Well, you ate 100 calories more than you planned, so what difference does it make if you eat the entire carton of ice cream?" and "There's no point working out today; the 200 calories you burn won't put a dent in the pizza and garlic bread you had last night." And even with those non-logical points, the voice wins out. I have no real evidence indicating that I can actually do this for the long haul. Short successful bursts, yes; long term, obviously not (yet).
I hate that I still have hope that I can succeed. It really just torments me every single day. I hate always thinking about food, and I feel like if I didn't have that little inkling of hope, I could just stop caring either way about my weight, no matter what the number on the scale or clothes tags. But apparently my dear Wagon, you tied a tether to my ankle and no matter how far ahead of me you may get, I can't give up on the notion of climbing back aboard.
So are we really at an impasse? Surely we can be on good terms once again. I would really like that. But I think it means we need to be on the same page, and the devil that kept knocking me off your back needs to be in a different book, a different library, than you and I.
It seems, dear Wagon, that you have continued to believe in me all this time: why else would you stay with me, even if you were beyond my sight? So for us to be together, I need to believe in me too. I don't necessarily know how to do that, but I'm going to try.
I know people say you shouldn't expect weight loss to change your life; just because you are smaller doesn't really change your world. But I think for me it just might, because
My dear Wagon, thank you for never letting me go. Please accept my apologies for thinking you had abandoned me. I hope to see more of you in the near future, as we become close friends yet again.
Sincerely Yours,
The Poster Girl
Monday 13 August 2012
You're On The Road, But You've Got No Destination
So after weeks of training (sorta)... we did it! We biked 40 km to Lakefield and back (stopping for an ice cream once we got there). Naturally it poured rain on us for about 5 minutes, while we could see blue sky everywhere but straight up. But we would expect nothing less.
When I say training, I really just mean we took progressively longer bikes every Sunday for the last month or so. We biked out to the airport, we biked out to the zoo; we went from 8 km to 32 km. I am really glad we spent that time getting ready for it though. We aren't diehards, nor were we trying to beat any time; it was just meant to be a enjoyable bike ride. But I think it would have been excruciating if we hadn't done some practice beforehand. As it is, even with gel seats, it's an uncomfortable adventure for the butt! It was a really nice trip though, the path to Lakefield is quite beautiful. I think it would be a really nice route to take in the fall; the colours would be spectacular.
So that's goal #33, all done!
Saturday 28 July 2012
Have A Drumstick And Your Brain Stops Ticking
I have always wanted to take cooking classes. I love cooking, I love watching Food Network, I love trying new recipes. What I really wanted was an ongoing class that taught different skills, like how on earth to chop things so quickly and sometimes thinly without slicing off several fingers. Alas, there was no such class offered that I could find near me. I did however, find a one night event hosted by a local Mexican caterer.
In January, I went to a little pasta shop in town and learned how to make "A Dinner Party to Impress" (chef's words, not mine). The chef was such a friendly guy, there was just 2 other people there, and it was a really fun night. He showed us simple tips, which was a good thing, because I was a little worried that the recipes would be way over my head. Our menu for the evening:
Panko Crusted Shrimp with Chile Lime Sauce
Maple and Ancho Chile Roasted Pork Tenderloin
Roasted Glazed Carrots
Baked Potato Fans
Easy Dessert Crepes with Caramel Sauce
In January, I went to a little pasta shop in town and learned how to make "A Dinner Party to Impress" (chef's words, not mine). The chef was such a friendly guy, there was just 2 other people there, and it was a really fun night. He showed us simple tips, which was a good thing, because I was a little worried that the recipes would be way over my head. Our menu for the evening:
Panko Crusted Shrimp with Chile Lime Sauce
Maple and Ancho Chile Roasted Pork Tenderloin
Roasted Glazed Carrots
Baked Potato Fans
Easy Dessert Crepes with Caramel Sauce
I actually enjoyed the class so much that I took my mom to another one in February for her birthday. I wish I could afford to go to more; at $50 a pop, it could be an expensive habit. But I really did like it, so I'm glad that was what I chose for my special interest course, Goal #25.
Friday 27 July 2012
I Think That Life's Too Short For This, I Want Back My Ignorance And Bliss
Today was Day 2 of eating 40% carbs, 30% fat, 30% protein (sadly otherwise known as The Zone). When I first put this on my list, I wasn't really aiming for a fad diet trial, I was just trying to eat healthy with a bit more protein. Turns out, it's already been done haha. At least that meant a plethora of recipes online. I've got the week planned out, and it wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, although it was a bit time consuming to get those percentages to work out every day. (I'm a bit of a stickler for self imposed rules; I only let myself deviate 2% in either direction. I'm a bit OCD).
It's meant a bit more meat at lunchtime, and working eggs into meals, perhaps a protein shake. The only thing I don't like is that I've actually had to cut down on fruits and veg to reduce the carbs. Other than that, it's not so bad at all, and I've felt pretty full, although I've been snacking throughout the day. Oh and did I mention cottage cheese? Yeah, there's that.
I've also started reading a book called Overcoming Overeating. I feel like it's getting into my head and putting all my eating issues in writing. I understand what they are saying so deeply. But their solutions scare me. While it's all a bit more complex than this, they basically say stop thinking "If only I was thin..." and accept who you are right now. Drop the thought that you will ever diet again. Don't limit any food, ever. They literally encourage you to go on a massive food shopping spree for all your favourites in practically unlimited quantities. The point is that while, yes, you will likely eat a lot at first, once your brain realizes that the food is easily accessible, you will no longer need to binge on it. And that makes sense. I think of the summer when I worked at a store that carried Kawartha Dairy ice cream, I had so much Moose Tracks that I don't think I will ever be able to eat it again. Still. And that was at least 5 years ago. It makes sense. Most importantly, you are not to judge or berate yourself no matter what you eat.
But my God it's a scary thing to take on. My whole life I feel like I've either been on a diet, or on a binge waiting for the next diet. I think about food. A lot. All the time. It's consuming (hence being a compulsive over-eater). I can't imagine what it would be like NOT to be like that. I mean it would be nice. But I can't really picture it. Then the thought of having unlimited food in the house, all the brownies and ice cream I could imagine and then some... seems so counter-productive to everything I have been fighting for for the last.... 15 years. I can guarantee that I would gain a lot of weight. But the point is not to concern yourself with your weight; you are trying to fix your eating problem (not your weight problem) and that is just one of the steps to getting there.
Anyway, I don't know where I will take this information. I haven't finished the book yet, so that may help. But they really stress (and understandably) that you can't just try it as an experiment, you have to truly and wholeheartedly decide that you are through with diets forever. You have to do 100% committed to it, and I just don't know if I can let go... I don't know what it's like not to be critical of myself when I overeat. I don't know what it's like not to feel worthless for not having the self-control not to eat. How can I just let go of all that? And it sounds stupid, because why wouldn't I WANT to let go of all that crap. Believe, I do want to. It's just so hard to fathom, even if they are bad habits. But bad habits are hard to give up on, as I'm sure any smoker will tell you. (No, I've never been a smoker, I'm guessing based on watching my dad quit a few times a year for the last 25 years).
I've got 5 more days on this goal anyway before I make any food choices on this. I don't know what life would be like if I just ate what I want, when I want, as oppose to always worrying what might happen to my waistline. I think it would be a great feeling. But the book even mentions that it's very difficult when society dictates that the side effects of overeating are completely undesirable in life. I feel like, for a change, that there is hope for me, but it would be an awfully huge leap to get there... if I can take it.
It's meant a bit more meat at lunchtime, and working eggs into meals, perhaps a protein shake. The only thing I don't like is that I've actually had to cut down on fruits and veg to reduce the carbs. Other than that, it's not so bad at all, and I've felt pretty full, although I've been snacking throughout the day. Oh and did I mention cottage cheese? Yeah, there's that.
I've also started reading a book called Overcoming Overeating. I feel like it's getting into my head and putting all my eating issues in writing. I understand what they are saying so deeply. But their solutions scare me. While it's all a bit more complex than this, they basically say stop thinking "If only I was thin..." and accept who you are right now. Drop the thought that you will ever diet again. Don't limit any food, ever. They literally encourage you to go on a massive food shopping spree for all your favourites in practically unlimited quantities. The point is that while, yes, you will likely eat a lot at first, once your brain realizes that the food is easily accessible, you will no longer need to binge on it. And that makes sense. I think of the summer when I worked at a store that carried Kawartha Dairy ice cream, I had so much Moose Tracks that I don't think I will ever be able to eat it again. Still. And that was at least 5 years ago. It makes sense. Most importantly, you are not to judge or berate yourself no matter what you eat.
But my God it's a scary thing to take on. My whole life I feel like I've either been on a diet, or on a binge waiting for the next diet. I think about food. A lot. All the time. It's consuming (hence being a compulsive over-eater). I can't imagine what it would be like NOT to be like that. I mean it would be nice. But I can't really picture it. Then the thought of having unlimited food in the house, all the brownies and ice cream I could imagine and then some... seems so counter-productive to everything I have been fighting for for the last.... 15 years. I can guarantee that I would gain a lot of weight. But the point is not to concern yourself with your weight; you are trying to fix your eating problem (not your weight problem) and that is just one of the steps to getting there.
Anyway, I don't know where I will take this information. I haven't finished the book yet, so that may help. But they really stress (and understandably) that you can't just try it as an experiment, you have to truly and wholeheartedly decide that you are through with diets forever. You have to do 100% committed to it, and I just don't know if I can let go... I don't know what it's like not to be critical of myself when I overeat. I don't know what it's like not to feel worthless for not having the self-control not to eat. How can I just let go of all that? And it sounds stupid, because why wouldn't I WANT to let go of all that crap. Believe, I do want to. It's just so hard to fathom, even if they are bad habits. But bad habits are hard to give up on, as I'm sure any smoker will tell you. (No, I've never been a smoker, I'm guessing based on watching my dad quit a few times a year for the last 25 years).
I've got 5 more days on this goal anyway before I make any food choices on this. I don't know what life would be like if I just ate what I want, when I want, as oppose to always worrying what might happen to my waistline. I think it would be a great feeling. But the book even mentions that it's very difficult when society dictates that the side effects of overeating are completely undesirable in life. I feel like, for a change, that there is hope for me, but it would be an awfully huge leap to get there... if I can take it.
Thursday 26 July 2012
Sharing So Much Joy And Cheer, What A Wonderful Feeling
If there's one thing I love (almost) more than Nick, it's Christmas. I can't even begin to explain how much I love Christmas. I'm thoroughly obsessed. So of course hosting a Christmas party made it to my list. I really thought it wouldn't be until we had our own house, which meant a lot more space, but this past Christmas (and yes I realize that was 7 months ago) I had the chance to host my book club girls at Christmas time, so I dove right in.
Naturally I already have more than plenty of decorations to make our house exude Christmas-ness, and of course I made the perfect music playlist, and a CD for my guests to take home with them. I had asked the girls to fill out a questionnaire the month before, and collected all their favourite songs for the holidays. I made festive food (like Cranberry Christmas Swirls) and brought out my version of Christmas Jeopardy (which yes, I had on hand from a party from a few years ago). To me, it was perfect. It was everything I would want the holidays to be about, and I'm so glad I had the book club girls here to share it with me.
Naturally I already have more than plenty of decorations to make our house exude Christmas-ness, and of course I made the perfect music playlist, and a CD for my guests to take home with them. I had asked the girls to fill out a questionnaire the month before, and collected all their favourite songs for the holidays. I made festive food (like Cranberry Christmas Swirls) and brought out my version of Christmas Jeopardy (which yes, I had on hand from a party from a few years ago). To me, it was perfect. It was everything I would want the holidays to be about, and I'm so glad I had the book club girls here to share it with me.
Wednesday 25 July 2012
I Can Still Remember How That Music Used To Make Me Smile
Long long time ago...
Back in March (cause I've been really bad at keeping up-to-date on my blogs about completed goals), I made pie. Why? Because the 14th was Pi Day!
Back in March (cause I've been really bad at keeping up-to-date on my blogs about completed goals), I made pie. Why? Because the 14th was Pi Day!
So I made not one but two pies for dinner. First, we had shepherd's pie (recipe here). Hard to go wrong there. Then for dessert, which was really the bigger stretch for me, was banana cream pie. Fortunately, they were both a success; I didn't have to make pie crust from scratch, so we were safe. Oh and I totally used chocolate pudding instead of the vanilla the recipe called for. Of course I did.
Basically, I love an excuse to celebrate a holiday, even if it is as cheesy as Pi Day. It's too bad I don't care for Star Wars; May 4th would be another good day for me! ;)
Tuesday 24 July 2012
It Started With A Whisper
It started to sink in that my weight loss goals were a part of my 101 list, so not achieving them by the deadline was unacceptable to me. And then I heard about a website that gives you money for losing weight. Seriously. You front $100, and if you lose 10% of your body weight in 6 months, you get $200. Seriously. What's not to like? So last night, I signed up. Which means there's serious money involved, and that sure as heck better keep me motivated.
I've been doing really well this month training-wise, but have been royally sucking food-wise. I've basically maintained around the 189 lbs mark all month, with a few ups and downs in between.
This morning I ran 7.2 km. It kinda blows my mind. In some ways, that seems rather impressive. In other ways, it looks exactly like the 1/3 of a half-marathon that it is, and that's scary. I don't think it's the 21.1 km distance that makes me nervous, but the time. As a very slow runner, that means I will be running for about 3+ hours. THAT seems VERY daunting.
At the moment, I am prepping for goal #64; eating 40% carbs, 30% fat and 30% protein (basically The Zone Diet). I just like the thought of eating a little heavier on the protein side. I need to start being a little more scientific with my diet; basically be a little less half-hazard so I can actually figure out what specifically works best for me and weight loss.
I'm feeling behind on my goals. I'm only 22% done, and yet am 42% through my 1001 days. (how's that for math teacher?) I know a lot of them are in progress; so many of them are lists of books, movies or cumulative things like swimming laps. Others are already on the calendar, like the half-marathon. But I'm feeling crunched by some that require nicer weather (like sleeping under the stars, or building a sandcastle) because I have no idea what summer will look like for us next year. We're aiming to buy a house and move the end of June, so summer plans could be sparse as we settle in. Which means I need to get as many of the nice-weather goals as possible done this summer just in case. Then there's the goals that cost money, like seeing a musical or going horse-back riding. Right now we are trying to save as much as we can for the down payment, so it would be frivolous to spend money on things like that. But once we're in the house, our budget will likely be a bit tighter, and we may not be able to afford them at all. The thought of not completely finishing my list is heartbreaking, and the end is still 582 days away! I have faith though, and I keep working away at it. I have to remember that my summer just started; I still have 5 1/2 weeks of vacation. While some of that time is for work around the house (I've already stained the deck, but still have the carport to paint, and I want to do a good clean/scrub/purge inside), some of that will be spent getting these goals done.
Despite all my melodramatic (and unnecessary) worry, I truly am enjoying my goal list. I can wholeheartedly say it is one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
I've been doing really well this month training-wise, but have been royally sucking food-wise. I've basically maintained around the 189 lbs mark all month, with a few ups and downs in between.
This morning I ran 7.2 km. It kinda blows my mind. In some ways, that seems rather impressive. In other ways, it looks exactly like the 1/3 of a half-marathon that it is, and that's scary. I don't think it's the 21.1 km distance that makes me nervous, but the time. As a very slow runner, that means I will be running for about 3+ hours. THAT seems VERY daunting.
At the moment, I am prepping for goal #64; eating 40% carbs, 30% fat and 30% protein (basically The Zone Diet). I just like the thought of eating a little heavier on the protein side. I need to start being a little more scientific with my diet; basically be a little less half-hazard so I can actually figure out what specifically works best for me and weight loss.
I'm feeling behind on my goals. I'm only 22% done, and yet am 42% through my 1001 days. (how's that for math teacher?) I know a lot of them are in progress; so many of them are lists of books, movies or cumulative things like swimming laps. Others are already on the calendar, like the half-marathon. But I'm feeling crunched by some that require nicer weather (like sleeping under the stars, or building a sandcastle) because I have no idea what summer will look like for us next year. We're aiming to buy a house and move the end of June, so summer plans could be sparse as we settle in. Which means I need to get as many of the nice-weather goals as possible done this summer just in case. Then there's the goals that cost money, like seeing a musical or going horse-back riding. Right now we are trying to save as much as we can for the down payment, so it would be frivolous to spend money on things like that. But once we're in the house, our budget will likely be a bit tighter, and we may not be able to afford them at all. The thought of not completely finishing my list is heartbreaking, and the end is still 582 days away! I have faith though, and I keep working away at it. I have to remember that my summer just started; I still have 5 1/2 weeks of vacation. While some of that time is for work around the house (I've already stained the deck, but still have the carport to paint, and I want to do a good clean/scrub/purge inside), some of that will be spent getting these goals done.
Despite all my melodramatic (and unnecessary) worry, I truly am enjoying my goal list. I can wholeheartedly say it is one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
Sunday 24 June 2012
Seasons Are Changing And Waves Are Crashing
Since several of us turn(ed) 30 this year, I felt like we needed to do something extraordinary. White water rafting was the obvious choice =)
There was 10 of us altogether and it was an amazing weekend.
We drove up last Friday night, got our tents up and just relaxed for a few hours. We were up for breakfast at 8am, and our day began. We had a briefing session, then got our paddles, lifejackets and helmets on and loaded up onto a school bus for a 15 minute drive to the water.
Apparently the first rapids are the biggest:
We had two really great guides in our boat, and we went through several rapids, and were able to come back and surf a couple of times at each one:
Yup, that's me in the red. Apparently I equate rafting with rodeos. I was attempting to wave to the camera, but just seconds prior had been face down in rapids so....
The day was amazing; I even jumped off a cliff even though I was absolutely terrified. (It felt really high... but as we paddled by afterwards, it looked like maybe 15 feet high... It still felt much higher!) We were on the water for over 4 hours, then caught a pontoon boat to ferry us back to the resort and feed us (we were starving by then!)
We had a great evening, steak dinner and some drinks. There was also a bachelor party group rafting so they were quite entertaining (and very good guitar players).
Sunday was a resort day so we enjoyed the beach, the water slide, beach volleyball, and the beautiful weather. (Surprisingly enough, at an outdoor event that I planned, we had perfect weather).
It was a fantastic weekend. I think we were all hooked and can't wait to go back and try smaller boats (they tend to flip a bit easier; we were in a 12-man but the 6-man boats were upside down (mostly on purpose) several times). I would say a very successful 30th birthday celebration.
Oh, and goal #79 complete =)
There was 10 of us altogether and it was an amazing weekend.
We drove up last Friday night, got our tents up and just relaxed for a few hours. We were up for breakfast at 8am, and our day began. We had a briefing session, then got our paddles, lifejackets and helmets on and loaded up onto a school bus for a 15 minute drive to the water.
Apparently the first rapids are the biggest:
We had two really great guides in our boat, and we went through several rapids, and were able to come back and surf a couple of times at each one:
Yup, that's me in the red. Apparently I equate rafting with rodeos. I was attempting to wave to the camera, but just seconds prior had been face down in rapids so....
The day was amazing; I even jumped off a cliff even though I was absolutely terrified. (It felt really high... but as we paddled by afterwards, it looked like maybe 15 feet high... It still felt much higher!) We were on the water for over 4 hours, then caught a pontoon boat to ferry us back to the resort and feed us (we were starving by then!)
We had a great evening, steak dinner and some drinks. There was also a bachelor party group rafting so they were quite entertaining (and very good guitar players).
Sunday was a resort day so we enjoyed the beach, the water slide, beach volleyball, and the beautiful weather. (Surprisingly enough, at an outdoor event that I planned, we had perfect weather).
It was a fantastic weekend. I think we were all hooked and can't wait to go back and try smaller boats (they tend to flip a bit easier; we were in a 12-man but the 6-man boats were upside down (mostly on purpose) several times). I would say a very successful 30th birthday celebration.
Oh, and goal #79 complete =)
Friday 4 May 2012
Even The Sun Sets In Paradise
*insert heavy sigh here*
I fared well throughout the day today, then came home late, skipped my run and went right for the large portion of mac n cheese, and the rest of my chocolate stash. At least it's all gone.
Maybe now that there is no more trigger food in the house, I will fare better tomorrow?
I just wish I knew what makes that little switch in my brain go off that says throw all logic out the window and start pigging out. When I look back on the last 2 hours, I feel like I was in a trance of sorts, pure mindless eating. But when I'm in the midst of it, it's like I'm a zombie and there's no getting out of it. And when it starts, as soon as there's the slightest inkling of a thought of over-eating, it's like it has been carved in stone and it must be done, even if I don't really want to and it was just a fleeting thought. The problem is, because it's such a habit now, those fleeting thoughts come often. It's like I see/smell/think of food, and I think "hey, here's a chance for me to overeat". And even if I truly had no desire to actually do that, because the thought flitted through my brain, it's now going to happen. Trance starts now. And my head is only clear when all the food is gone.
I know the long list of things to do when the urge to overeat comes along; go for a walk, phone a friend, drink a glass of water, distract yourself somehow. But as soon as that urge hits, the part of my brain that knows to think about those things always seems to have taken a lunch break. And nothing but eating is even remotely appealing anyway. So how do I make myself think logically when I'm in a completely illogical frame of mind? If only I could plead insanity against the scale...
I fared well throughout the day today, then came home late, skipped my run and went right for the large portion of mac n cheese, and the rest of my chocolate stash. At least it's all gone.
Maybe now that there is no more trigger food in the house, I will fare better tomorrow?
I just wish I knew what makes that little switch in my brain go off that says throw all logic out the window and start pigging out. When I look back on the last 2 hours, I feel like I was in a trance of sorts, pure mindless eating. But when I'm in the midst of it, it's like I'm a zombie and there's no getting out of it. And when it starts, as soon as there's the slightest inkling of a thought of over-eating, it's like it has been carved in stone and it must be done, even if I don't really want to and it was just a fleeting thought. The problem is, because it's such a habit now, those fleeting thoughts come often. It's like I see/smell/think of food, and I think "hey, here's a chance for me to overeat". And even if I truly had no desire to actually do that, because the thought flitted through my brain, it's now going to happen. Trance starts now. And my head is only clear when all the food is gone.
I know the long list of things to do when the urge to overeat comes along; go for a walk, phone a friend, drink a glass of water, distract yourself somehow. But as soon as that urge hits, the part of my brain that knows to think about those things always seems to have taken a lunch break. And nothing but eating is even remotely appealing anyway. So how do I make myself think logically when I'm in a completely illogical frame of mind? If only I could plead insanity against the scale...
Thursday 3 May 2012
Dare You To Move, Dare You To Lift Yourself Up Off The Floor
Another unsuccessful moment. I fared well all day only to come home and eat way too much chocolate. I don't know why I do this to myself. But I can only tell myself I am on a learning journey and to keep working at it. I am not letting these slips turn into a day written off, I keep on track otherwise and pick myself right back up again, so that's good.
Today was the last day of my 4 week strip tease class. It was a lot of fun, but now I can focus more specifically on getting fit and getting my runs in. Only 24 days until my 5km run! First race of the season. I thought I was improving on my pace, but yesterday's run was really slow. I suppose if I got some weight off me, it would be easier to run! I can't seem to get myself on a decent streak of good eating.
Suprisingly I have avoided the scale since Tuesday's official weigh-in; that's saying a lot for me! But I want to switch to weekly weighing, not my obsessive daily panic attacks (ok, not literally). Maybe if I get 4 perfect food days in, from tomorrow until Monday, Tuesday morning will still bring in a nice loss on the scale. Here's hoping.
Today was the last day of my 4 week strip tease class. It was a lot of fun, but now I can focus more specifically on getting fit and getting my runs in. Only 24 days until my 5km run! First race of the season. I thought I was improving on my pace, but yesterday's run was really slow. I suppose if I got some weight off me, it would be easier to run! I can't seem to get myself on a decent streak of good eating.
Suprisingly I have avoided the scale since Tuesday's official weigh-in; that's saying a lot for me! But I want to switch to weekly weighing, not my obsessive daily panic attacks (ok, not literally). Maybe if I get 4 perfect food days in, from tomorrow until Monday, Tuesday morning will still bring in a nice loss on the scale. Here's hoping.
Wednesday 2 May 2012
Starships Are Meant To Fly
Today wasn't a total success, sadly.
I'm doing an after-school numeracy program twice a week, and the food school provides treats for the kids. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and today a brownie/chocolate chip cookie/fruit/chocolate pudding parfait. I didn't fare to well. The best I can say is that I improved from what I ate after Monday's class, so here's hoping the next class will be another improvement. Then I will be on the right track. (Monday was stupid; two of the richest, gooiest brownies I have ever had, plus about 4 cookies. Not good. You know the size of those high school cafeteria cookies. Today was the parfait and 2 cookies. So definitely not good, but I think better).
That wasn't exactly the best performance for Day 2, but I did still manage to get home and go for a 3.2 km run and make a very healthy dinner where I cut some of the portion sizes to balance at least a little bit the disaster of the afternoon. So maybe I can chalk it all up to a learning experience and try to do better next Monday with the treats in front of me.
There's a reason why I don't buy that stuff and keep it in the house! That is truly my biggest hurdle; dealing with situations with food that are out of my control. If it's in front of me, I will eat it. I plan healthy meals and don't keep junk in the house so I can't eat it. I need to fix that though because life is full of food situations I cannot control.
I'm doing an after-school numeracy program twice a week, and the food school provides treats for the kids. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and today a brownie/chocolate chip cookie/fruit/chocolate pudding parfait. I didn't fare to well. The best I can say is that I improved from what I ate after Monday's class, so here's hoping the next class will be another improvement. Then I will be on the right track. (Monday was stupid; two of the richest, gooiest brownies I have ever had, plus about 4 cookies. Not good. You know the size of those high school cafeteria cookies. Today was the parfait and 2 cookies. So definitely not good, but I think better).
That wasn't exactly the best performance for Day 2, but I did still manage to get home and go for a 3.2 km run and make a very healthy dinner where I cut some of the portion sizes to balance at least a little bit the disaster of the afternoon. So maybe I can chalk it all up to a learning experience and try to do better next Monday with the treats in front of me.
There's a reason why I don't buy that stuff and keep it in the house! That is truly my biggest hurdle; dealing with situations with food that are out of my control. If it's in front of me, I will eat it. I plan healthy meals and don't keep junk in the house so I can't eat it. I need to fix that though because life is full of food situations I cannot control.
Tuesday 1 May 2012
I Heard You Were A Wild One
I almost don't want to say anything. I don't want to jinx anything, and I don't want to say "I'm starting fresh" again for the millionth time.
All I will say is that I found the X-Weighted website, watched a few episodes, and reminded myself that losing the weight is not just one but several of my goals on my list, and I don't dare not complete that list.
Day 1 was a success.
All I will say is that I found the X-Weighted website, watched a few episodes, and reminded myself that losing the weight is not just one but several of my goals on my list, and I don't dare not complete that list.
Day 1 was a success.
Sunday 22 April 2012
I Am Everything You Want, I Am Everything You Need, I Am Everything Inside Of You That You Wish You Could Be
Let's talk about my weight, since that's truly why I first started this blogging adventure.
Right now, it's horrific. I continue to binge and I continue to gain, so much so that I currently sit at 183 lbs. Blech-yuck. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, my clothes don't fit, and I'm disappointed in myself that just 5 months ago, I was 17 lbs lighter. That's awful! I'm going in the completely wrong direction!
I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's like somewhere my brain has decided that weight loss is just not for me, so no matter how hard I try, my unconscious brain is going to sabotage myself. I will do everything right for a while, but then something makes me fall away from healthy choices. And then it becomes a downwards spiral.
I had high hopes of going to my sister-in-laws wedding looking fantastic, since she saw me last summer at 184 lbs. Well, just 1 lbs away from that now, I'm not about to look too fantastic. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I do this??
I'm just so frustrated that I lack self control, and it's so stupid, because all I have to do is just do it, and that would fix that problem. I'm the only that can decide how this goes, and I keep messing it up, which makes me upset. Why would I do things that I know are going to make me upset?? It makes no sense at all.
I've run out of ideas. I've tried every tactic, every reward system, every kind of meal planning, every kind of incentive. I tried counting points, counting calories, not counting anything, not eliminating anything. I'm out. I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy to fight a losing battle. So I'm completely stuck. I hate being overweight, but I hate the exasperation I feel when I try to lose weight. I can't win no matter what direction I take. And while I'm in this limbo, I end up just gaining even more weight.
Not to pump Nike, but if my tag line became "Just do it", and I actually followed through on that, there might be hope for me. But for some reason I won't let myself be capable of that. For some reason, I want to fail at this. I find that bizarre, because my career world is so precarious and out of my control right now, wouldn't I want to have something that I actually can 100% control? But then that's where I get into trouble; there are invariable (food) situations in life that I can't control. I make the best choice I feel that I can, but then it ends up being not good enough, and I feel like all is for naught. Or I feel like I deserve a little bit of an indulgence, and I pay a scale price that does not seem on par, and get frustrated all over again.
I need to let the little things stop bothering me. If a celebration happens and I indulge a bit, so be it, things go back to normal right afterwards, not 3 weeks afterwards. If I work my butt off in every way and don't see results on the scale or in the way my clothes fit, I need to keep on pushing. And these things are so hard for me to do.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what else I can pull out to motivate me to do this. I have pictures and quotes everywhere, I have smaller clothing I want to fit in that I look at regularly. I have races to run that I know will be easier if I have less weight on me. I have a husband that wants to carry me over the threshold of our new house next year; he's going to really want me to have less weight on me! (and no, I know he doesn't think like that, that one was all me). I want to have kids someday that I need to be healthy for. I have all the motivation and reminders in the world, and yet I still can't do it. And I don't know what it's going to take to get me there, because I've been here before, I've been this exasperated, this frustrated. And clearly nothing changed.
I feel like I am at one hell of an impasse...
Right now, it's horrific. I continue to binge and I continue to gain, so much so that I currently sit at 183 lbs. Blech-yuck. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, my clothes don't fit, and I'm disappointed in myself that just 5 months ago, I was 17 lbs lighter. That's awful! I'm going in the completely wrong direction!
I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's like somewhere my brain has decided that weight loss is just not for me, so no matter how hard I try, my unconscious brain is going to sabotage myself. I will do everything right for a while, but then something makes me fall away from healthy choices. And then it becomes a downwards spiral.
I had high hopes of going to my sister-in-laws wedding looking fantastic, since she saw me last summer at 184 lbs. Well, just 1 lbs away from that now, I'm not about to look too fantastic. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I do this??
I'm just so frustrated that I lack self control, and it's so stupid, because all I have to do is just do it, and that would fix that problem. I'm the only that can decide how this goes, and I keep messing it up, which makes me upset. Why would I do things that I know are going to make me upset?? It makes no sense at all.
I've run out of ideas. I've tried every tactic, every reward system, every kind of meal planning, every kind of incentive. I tried counting points, counting calories, not counting anything, not eliminating anything. I'm out. I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy to fight a losing battle. So I'm completely stuck. I hate being overweight, but I hate the exasperation I feel when I try to lose weight. I can't win no matter what direction I take. And while I'm in this limbo, I end up just gaining even more weight.
Not to pump Nike, but if my tag line became "Just do it", and I actually followed through on that, there might be hope for me. But for some reason I won't let myself be capable of that. For some reason, I want to fail at this. I find that bizarre, because my career world is so precarious and out of my control right now, wouldn't I want to have something that I actually can 100% control? But then that's where I get into trouble; there are invariable (food) situations in life that I can't control. I make the best choice I feel that I can, but then it ends up being not good enough, and I feel like all is for naught. Or I feel like I deserve a little bit of an indulgence, and I pay a scale price that does not seem on par, and get frustrated all over again.
I need to let the little things stop bothering me. If a celebration happens and I indulge a bit, so be it, things go back to normal right afterwards, not 3 weeks afterwards. If I work my butt off in every way and don't see results on the scale or in the way my clothes fit, I need to keep on pushing. And these things are so hard for me to do.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what else I can pull out to motivate me to do this. I have pictures and quotes everywhere, I have smaller clothing I want to fit in that I look at regularly. I have races to run that I know will be easier if I have less weight on me. I have a husband that wants to carry me over the threshold of our new house next year; he's going to really want me to have less weight on me! (and no, I know he doesn't think like that, that one was all me). I want to have kids someday that I need to be healthy for. I have all the motivation and reminders in the world, and yet I still can't do it. And I don't know what it's going to take to get me there, because I've been here before, I've been this exasperated, this frustrated. And clearly nothing changed.
I feel like I am at one hell of an impasse...
Pretty Pretty Please Don't You Ever Ever Feel Like You're Less Than Perfect
I'm quite clearly a slacker!
Life has been busy, between work, running training and all the million things I take on. And I really just haven't been in the mood to write. But I am so far behind on blogging about my accomplished goals that I'm going to have to re-do some of them! For example, last September we did not eat out at all. Goal accomplished! But I have no idea what to write about since it was so long ago, and I neglected to take a picture. I figure I will just have to do it again (Darn.) Failure to take a picture and blog about it would mean failure to complete another goal, and I just can't have that.
I will be getting caught up hopefully soon, because I have about 20 goals finished so far. I'm starting to get nervous as the one year mark approaches; I feel like there is so much going on in my life on a regular basis, what if I don't get them all done?? But I am training for the toughest of them all, the half marathon. It comes up in October, and although that seems far away to a degree, 21 km does NOT. Wish me luck!
Life has been busy, between work, running training and all the million things I take on. And I really just haven't been in the mood to write. But I am so far behind on blogging about my accomplished goals that I'm going to have to re-do some of them! For example, last September we did not eat out at all. Goal accomplished! But I have no idea what to write about since it was so long ago, and I neglected to take a picture. I figure I will just have to do it again (Darn.) Failure to take a picture and blog about it would mean failure to complete another goal, and I just can't have that.
I will be getting caught up hopefully soon, because I have about 20 goals finished so far. I'm starting to get nervous as the one year mark approaches; I feel like there is so much going on in my life on a regular basis, what if I don't get them all done?? But I am training for the toughest of them all, the half marathon. It comes up in October, and although that seems far away to a degree, 21 km does NOT. Wish me luck!
Saturday 3 March 2012
I Might Get Your Heart Racing In My Skin-Tight Jeans, Be Your Teenage Dream Tonight
Last night I was lucky/unlucky enough to have a bit of a lightbulb moment that may provide a bit of clarity as to why I self-sabotage and fight against myself in losing weight.
I attended my first high school dance as a teacher last night. I loved them when I was in high school; I love to dance, and of course there was always the teenage drama about who was going with who, wondering if the boy you liked would ask you to dance, hoping they would play your current favourite song. But it was a whole different ball game standing there as a chaperone.
I was on coat check with a fellow teacher, and we happened to be across from the girls washroom, so there was a fair bit of traffic in our area. We begin to notice a trend in the clothing; extremely short, tight skirts, plenty of cleavage, see-through shirts and stilettos. We were a bit appalled at first at some of the inappropriate outfits, but eventually giggled because with most girls it was quite apparent how uncomfortable they were in those shoes, and constantly yanking at their hemlines.
But of course I felt a twinge of jealousy; I was overweight all through high school - I never had that kind of body, so obviously never wore those kind of clothes and never got the kind of attention I know those girls did last night. I'm not saying I wish I had've paraded around like jailbait, just that I wish I could have felt confident and attractive (and yes, I realize most teenage girls are certainly not actually self-confident, no matter what they look like).
The other teacher commented "Well, I guess they should enjoy looking like that while they do, because they won't always have a body like that".
Very true. But that simple and obvious comment made me truly realize something I have avoided addressing within my mind. When I do lose the weight and am feeling confident and attractive, I don't get to do high school over again. I'll be 30 years old, and tight mini-skirts and see-through lace shirts just don't seem right, no matter how rockin' my body might be. I will never get to experience being young and hot, that's just a fact. No, I don't think 30 is old, but it's not 18.
I guess I feel like I've lost the opportunity to experience something. I'll never get to be the girl that guys flock to or want to buy drinks for at the bar. I'll never get to confidently go out and enjoy all the perks that come with being young and single. I don't really know what it's like to confidently flirt. And even as I type this, it seems stupid, seems trivial and shallow. I'm very happily married and enjoy every part of my life, why would I even have the need to experience all those things anyway? But I've never felt good about myself in my own skin. And I just want to have all those little goofy experiences that validate how you look, because I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like to have someone look at you like that. And believe me, I know I shouldn't rely on how other people treat me to validate my self-worth (and all that other mumbo jumbo). Knowing that doesn't change how I feel tho.
I distinctly remember what it was like to be the chubby girl in elementary school, high school, and at university. I very clearly remember what it was like to be the sidekick to the popular girl, the girl whose name nobody could remember. I remember having crushes, only to find out of course they would never like someone like me (which of course may or may not have had anything to do with my weight, but that's how I internalized it). I remember feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, embarassed at the size I had to wear, ashamed that my mom couldn't find jeans that fit me so I was dubbed the "Track Pant Queen". I have thousands of very clear memories of the feelings I had (and still have) that went along with being overweight. And they will never go away or be replaced.
I know that when I am fit and happy with my body, I will have many great experiences that I have never had that will help me feel good about myself. I don't think for one second that these old memories will stop me from enjoying a thin and attractive body.
But there's the fear... what if it's just not good enough? What if carrying this weight for so long has denied me of living, and there is nothing that will ever make up for that lost time? What if I lose the weight and still don't feel good about myself? What if I do get the attention that I seem to think I want, and wish I didn't? What if I always resent myself for letting myself be overweight during a time in my life that it would have been much better to be thin and attractive? What if I always feel like I've missed some important experience of being a teenager?
What if losing the weight doesn't actually solve anything?
I know that's a common mistake, to think that losing weight will make your entire life better. But as far as I see it, the rest of my life IS better, my body is what I'm unhappy with. But what if the things I think are associated with my size, actually aren't?
Then what?.....
I attended my first high school dance as a teacher last night. I loved them when I was in high school; I love to dance, and of course there was always the teenage drama about who was going with who, wondering if the boy you liked would ask you to dance, hoping they would play your current favourite song. But it was a whole different ball game standing there as a chaperone.
I was on coat check with a fellow teacher, and we happened to be across from the girls washroom, so there was a fair bit of traffic in our area. We begin to notice a trend in the clothing; extremely short, tight skirts, plenty of cleavage, see-through shirts and stilettos. We were a bit appalled at first at some of the inappropriate outfits, but eventually giggled because with most girls it was quite apparent how uncomfortable they were in those shoes, and constantly yanking at their hemlines.
But of course I felt a twinge of jealousy; I was overweight all through high school - I never had that kind of body, so obviously never wore those kind of clothes and never got the kind of attention I know those girls did last night. I'm not saying I wish I had've paraded around like jailbait, just that I wish I could have felt confident and attractive (and yes, I realize most teenage girls are certainly not actually self-confident, no matter what they look like).
The other teacher commented "Well, I guess they should enjoy looking like that while they do, because they won't always have a body like that".
Very true. But that simple and obvious comment made me truly realize something I have avoided addressing within my mind. When I do lose the weight and am feeling confident and attractive, I don't get to do high school over again. I'll be 30 years old, and tight mini-skirts and see-through lace shirts just don't seem right, no matter how rockin' my body might be. I will never get to experience being young and hot, that's just a fact. No, I don't think 30 is old, but it's not 18.
I guess I feel like I've lost the opportunity to experience something. I'll never get to be the girl that guys flock to or want to buy drinks for at the bar. I'll never get to confidently go out and enjoy all the perks that come with being young and single. I don't really know what it's like to confidently flirt. And even as I type this, it seems stupid, seems trivial and shallow. I'm very happily married and enjoy every part of my life, why would I even have the need to experience all those things anyway? But I've never felt good about myself in my own skin. And I just want to have all those little goofy experiences that validate how you look, because I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like to have someone look at you like that. And believe me, I know I shouldn't rely on how other people treat me to validate my self-worth (and all that other mumbo jumbo). Knowing that doesn't change how I feel tho.
I distinctly remember what it was like to be the chubby girl in elementary school, high school, and at university. I very clearly remember what it was like to be the sidekick to the popular girl, the girl whose name nobody could remember. I remember having crushes, only to find out of course they would never like someone like me (which of course may or may not have had anything to do with my weight, but that's how I internalized it). I remember feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, embarassed at the size I had to wear, ashamed that my mom couldn't find jeans that fit me so I was dubbed the "Track Pant Queen". I have thousands of very clear memories of the feelings I had (and still have) that went along with being overweight. And they will never go away or be replaced.
I know that when I am fit and happy with my body, I will have many great experiences that I have never had that will help me feel good about myself. I don't think for one second that these old memories will stop me from enjoying a thin and attractive body.
But there's the fear... what if it's just not good enough? What if carrying this weight for so long has denied me of living, and there is nothing that will ever make up for that lost time? What if I lose the weight and still don't feel good about myself? What if I do get the attention that I seem to think I want, and wish I didn't? What if I always resent myself for letting myself be overweight during a time in my life that it would have been much better to be thin and attractive? What if I always feel like I've missed some important experience of being a teenager?
What if losing the weight doesn't actually solve anything?
I know that's a common mistake, to think that losing weight will make your entire life better. But as far as I see it, the rest of my life IS better, my body is what I'm unhappy with. But what if the things I think are associated with my size, actually aren't?
Then what?.....
Sunday 19 February 2012
Thanks That Was Fun, Don't Forget, No Regrets
You know that moment when you're tired of being a lump? You feel exasperated with your recent behaviour and just have that moment of clarity that means things have got to change. I've had that moment several times. It's kind of a bi-product of re-committing yourself over and over again to weight loss. After every binge comes that moment. Some binges are short, some are sadly longer. But eventually that moment comes through where you're tired of choosing failure. Tired of feeling like food controls you, instead of the other way around.
The problem is that the other side of this, for me at least, is that I get tired of being obsessed. I get obsessed with planning and preparing to do the things to help me lose weight. I get consumed, where every breathe thinks about what I'm eating next, do I feel like working out tonight, do I deserve this treat, does that even matter. And during that time, I do in fact do well. But god it would be really nice to not have to think about food in any context, to just be.
I truly think I will be great at maintining my weight, whenever I get to that place. Indulge a bit, reign it all in for a few days, balance. But for now, I can't seem to stop sabatoging myself. I do well, get close to a goal, somewhat-subconsciously panic, pig out and stop going to the gym. Then start all over again, ultimately never actually progressing, but constantly in a battle with myself that no one is winning.
Nick's tired of the battle, and he just watches from the sidelines and listens to the endless commentary. But I have to live it every day, every moment, and it's exhausting. Is there actually an end to this war?
The problem is that the other side of this, for me at least, is that I get tired of being obsessed. I get obsessed with planning and preparing to do the things to help me lose weight. I get consumed, where every breathe thinks about what I'm eating next, do I feel like working out tonight, do I deserve this treat, does that even matter. And during that time, I do in fact do well. But god it would be really nice to not have to think about food in any context, to just be.
I truly think I will be great at maintining my weight, whenever I get to that place. Indulge a bit, reign it all in for a few days, balance. But for now, I can't seem to stop sabatoging myself. I do well, get close to a goal, somewhat-subconsciously panic, pig out and stop going to the gym. Then start all over again, ultimately never actually progressing, but constantly in a battle with myself that no one is winning.
Nick's tired of the battle, and he just watches from the sidelines and listens to the endless commentary. But I have to live it every day, every moment, and it's exhausting. Is there actually an end to this war?
Saturday 18 February 2012
Till Now I Always Got By On My Own
From my SparkPeople blog:
I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. Literally. I distinctly remember the moment I became painfully aware that I was fat. It was hard to miss; a Grade 8 boy told my Grade 3 chubby body quite abruptly "You're fat." I didn't know that I was until that moment. But from then on, I was always aware of my size. And it hasn't improved since then. Of course my weight has changed, I've been heavier and I've been a bit smaller, but never have I been less than overweight. I don't know what I would look or feel like at a healthy weight.
At the moment, I still have about 40 lbs to lose to get to where I want to be. I've been 25 lbs heavier, and before Christmas I was almost 10 lbs lighter. I constantly go up and down. I have a great month, then I undo all I've done the next month. It takes a lot for me to really get ahead, but overall, I have stayed the same weight for over a year, despite painstaking efforts otherwise, surrounded by binge-eating.
I am obsessive. I know that. Until last month, I had spent one night a week at Weight Watchers, one night a week carefully meal-planning for the next 7 days, and every hour thinking about food, exercise, and any tactic I could use to help keep me motivated to lose weight. The result? A year of up and down on the scale to ultimately stay right where I was to begin with, $1000 gone to WW, and a husband who was now annoyed with the obsession with little result.
Nick has always been supportive, but he's never struggled with weight and food issues, so he has a hard time truly understanding my woes. But for years he has listened to my new ideas, my promises to myself that fell flat, my speculations, my triumphs, my failures, my desperation, my despair, my vows to let this be the last time, my recipes, my news articles, my new gym schedules, and everything else in between. He has truly been wonderful. But I managed to coerce it out of him that he's kinda had enough of hearing about it. And I really don't blame him, I'm sick of it too. So while I'm not mad that he doesn't share mycrazy obsession enthusiasm for healthy living, I suddenly feel bad for inundating him with the constant barage of information. And although he in no way asked me to stop sharing, I have decided to stop flooding him with it all. However, that leaves me alone in this.
I've never been good at making new friends. I'm shy and self-conscious, and I've always had trouble connecting with my peers. I've tried making friends at places like Toastmasters, church, and at work, but it's always with people not within my age group. And while that's ok, and they were all lovely people, I seemed to have a tough time truly connecting and sharing with someone who was just at a different stage in life than I am; I wanted a friend, not a parent figure, and that seemed to be what I ended up with. But people my own age intimidate me. I feel inadequate, that I don't have my life together, personally or professionally. Which means I don't want to share my needs or challenges because I will seem weak. I can't win. And thus I am alone.
I tried WW in hopes of getting that personal contact of people in the same boat. Again, everyone was friendly, but when the new PointsPlus debuted last year, tons of new people flooded in. With the meetings so busy, I let myself just fade into the background. No one really noticed or cared if I was there or not, myself included.
Maybe I will never be very good at making friends. But I feel like if I truly want to lose weight, I need to have someone I can talk to every day, someone who understands, who can offer help and ideas, who can sympathize and get me through the tough times and be proud of me for even the small things that are a big deal to me. And I want to be there to be the same thing for them. But I know this can't just be a random person, it has to be someone I connect with.
I joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work in hopes of having some accountability, figuring I would hate having to submit a weight gain, and thus avoid gaining. But since it was across the entire school board, I ended up on a team of strangers. We email in our weight results every Wednesday. There was no real personal connection there, so when I first ended up with a gain on the scale, I just didn't bother to email in my results. No one cared.
I've spent the morning looking for a Spark buddy, browsing teams and message boards, I feel like I'm starting to sound sad and desperate. But I truly am tired of not having the motivation to choose long-term success over instant gratification. It's like I go into a trance when it comes to eating junk food, and can't talk myself out of it. I need help. And I hope I find that help for the long term.
I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. Literally. I distinctly remember the moment I became painfully aware that I was fat. It was hard to miss; a Grade 8 boy told my Grade 3 chubby body quite abruptly "You're fat." I didn't know that I was until that moment. But from then on, I was always aware of my size. And it hasn't improved since then. Of course my weight has changed, I've been heavier and I've been a bit smaller, but never have I been less than overweight. I don't know what I would look or feel like at a healthy weight.
At the moment, I still have about 40 lbs to lose to get to where I want to be. I've been 25 lbs heavier, and before Christmas I was almost 10 lbs lighter. I constantly go up and down. I have a great month, then I undo all I've done the next month. It takes a lot for me to really get ahead, but overall, I have stayed the same weight for over a year, despite painstaking efforts otherwise, surrounded by binge-eating.
I am obsessive. I know that. Until last month, I had spent one night a week at Weight Watchers, one night a week carefully meal-planning for the next 7 days, and every hour thinking about food, exercise, and any tactic I could use to help keep me motivated to lose weight. The result? A year of up and down on the scale to ultimately stay right where I was to begin with, $1000 gone to WW, and a husband who was now annoyed with the obsession with little result.
Nick has always been supportive, but he's never struggled with weight and food issues, so he has a hard time truly understanding my woes. But for years he has listened to my new ideas, my promises to myself that fell flat, my speculations, my triumphs, my failures, my desperation, my despair, my vows to let this be the last time, my recipes, my news articles, my new gym schedules, and everything else in between. He has truly been wonderful. But I managed to coerce it out of him that he's kinda had enough of hearing about it. And I really don't blame him, I'm sick of it too. So while I'm not mad that he doesn't share my
I've never been good at making new friends. I'm shy and self-conscious, and I've always had trouble connecting with my peers. I've tried making friends at places like Toastmasters, church, and at work, but it's always with people not within my age group. And while that's ok, and they were all lovely people, I seemed to have a tough time truly connecting and sharing with someone who was just at a different stage in life than I am; I wanted a friend, not a parent figure, and that seemed to be what I ended up with. But people my own age intimidate me. I feel inadequate, that I don't have my life together, personally or professionally. Which means I don't want to share my needs or challenges because I will seem weak. I can't win. And thus I am alone.
I tried WW in hopes of getting that personal contact of people in the same boat. Again, everyone was friendly, but when the new PointsPlus debuted last year, tons of new people flooded in. With the meetings so busy, I let myself just fade into the background. No one really noticed or cared if I was there or not, myself included.
Maybe I will never be very good at making friends. But I feel like if I truly want to lose weight, I need to have someone I can talk to every day, someone who understands, who can offer help and ideas, who can sympathize and get me through the tough times and be proud of me for even the small things that are a big deal to me. And I want to be there to be the same thing for them. But I know this can't just be a random person, it has to be someone I connect with.
I joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work in hopes of having some accountability, figuring I would hate having to submit a weight gain, and thus avoid gaining. But since it was across the entire school board, I ended up on a team of strangers. We email in our weight results every Wednesday. There was no real personal connection there, so when I first ended up with a gain on the scale, I just didn't bother to email in my results. No one cared.
I've spent the morning looking for a Spark buddy, browsing teams and message boards, I feel like I'm starting to sound sad and desperate. But I truly am tired of not having the motivation to choose long-term success over instant gratification. It's like I go into a trance when it comes to eating junk food, and can't talk myself out of it. I need help. And I hope I find that help for the long term.
Sunday 5 February 2012
I Love You's Not Enough, I'm Lost For Words
I think I've decided to stick with my goal of running a half marathon.
I must be insane.
Am I setting myself up for failure? I mean it's 21.1 km... More than twice that of my race in September, and that was a challenge. But I'm being stubborn; I set the goal, and I don't see a suitable replacement. I had to change one of my goals; instead of becoming a Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers, I will now simply get to my goal weight. Same thing, except I won't have to keep paying $50 a month. I'm ok with that adjustment. But I've toiled over a comparable exchange for a half marathon, and nothing seems acceptable. I can't exchange it unless it's something close, and I don't know that there are many things quite like running a half marathon.
I'm scared. Truly. My training for the 10k last summer didn't exactly go through as planned. I think I started way too early and kinda waned in my training enthusiasm. I still finished the race though. But I don't think you can just push through 20+ km. You've gotta be well prepared for that. And I've been struggling this week, both with food and exercise, and I can't afford to do that if I'm going to sign up for the Toronto Habourfront race, October 14th. I am so scared...
But I'm also determined. And that's gotta come in handy sometime.
I must be insane.
Am I setting myself up for failure? I mean it's 21.1 km... More than twice that of my race in September, and that was a challenge. But I'm being stubborn; I set the goal, and I don't see a suitable replacement. I had to change one of my goals; instead of becoming a Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers, I will now simply get to my goal weight. Same thing, except I won't have to keep paying $50 a month. I'm ok with that adjustment. But I've toiled over a comparable exchange for a half marathon, and nothing seems acceptable. I can't exchange it unless it's something close, and I don't know that there are many things quite like running a half marathon.
I'm scared. Truly. My training for the 10k last summer didn't exactly go through as planned. I think I started way too early and kinda waned in my training enthusiasm. I still finished the race though. But I don't think you can just push through 20+ km. You've gotta be well prepared for that. And I've been struggling this week, both with food and exercise, and I can't afford to do that if I'm going to sign up for the Toronto Habourfront race, October 14th. I am so scared...
But I'm also determined. And that's gotta come in handy sometime.
Saturday 4 February 2012
The Monster In The Closet, When The Lights Turned On Is Just A Jacket On A Hanger And The Fear Is Gone
I'm in the midst of a bender. Sort of. The last few days have not been great, I've over-eaten, had chips and chocolate, and generally not cared how much I snacked. And of course the scale has crept up a bit. But I don't care. Well, of course I do, but I'm having a tough time getting myself back on track. And I'm currently craving more, and I always wish after the fact that I could have stopped myself, but it always feels like I'm in some kinda of cugar/carb induced/craving daze that can't see logic or reason. So I managed to have a moment of clarity (which is waning) that urged me to stop and write before I committed any further eating sins.
I was just browsing the M&M Meats website looking for what dessert I wanted to indulge in for tonight. The buttercream brownies are to die for, but I really love nanimo bars, and the tiger brownies are pretty good, and the banana chocolate chips cake is super yummy, and then there are all kinds of fantastic sounding dishes that I've never even tried. I have been craving chocolate HUGE for the last week, every day. And I've been giving in pretty much every day. But it just won't go away. And I know, I am 100% certain, that if I bought any of those desserts, it would be entirely gone within a day or two. Oh I can easily polish of a tray of sweets in no time, sick to my stomach or not. Part me wants to stop that trend, wants me to not go to the store to give in to this needless emotional eating. But there's still that part of me that wants the chocolate. And even though that part of me knows that no good will come in pigging out on brownies, other than the brief moment of taste in my mouth, whereas I will feel and be much better off without them.... I still feel like the chocolate monster is going to win today. Maybe all I can take is the slight victory that I managed to stop myself enough to write. I was able to skip out of the daze long enough to open a tab to my blog and start writing. And maybe if I can do that again next time, maybe I will improve even more and not get the chocolate that time.
I was just browsing the M&M Meats website looking for what dessert I wanted to indulge in for tonight. The buttercream brownies are to die for, but I really love nanimo bars, and the tiger brownies are pretty good, and the banana chocolate chips cake is super yummy, and then there are all kinds of fantastic sounding dishes that I've never even tried. I have been craving chocolate HUGE for the last week, every day. And I've been giving in pretty much every day. But it just won't go away. And I know, I am 100% certain, that if I bought any of those desserts, it would be entirely gone within a day or two. Oh I can easily polish of a tray of sweets in no time, sick to my stomach or not. Part me wants to stop that trend, wants me to not go to the store to give in to this needless emotional eating. But there's still that part of me that wants the chocolate. And even though that part of me knows that no good will come in pigging out on brownies, other than the brief moment of taste in my mouth, whereas I will feel and be much better off without them.... I still feel like the chocolate monster is going to win today. Maybe all I can take is the slight victory that I managed to stop myself enough to write. I was able to skip out of the daze long enough to open a tab to my blog and start writing. And maybe if I can do that again next time, maybe I will improve even more and not get the chocolate that time.
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