We'll All Meet Back At The Local Saloon

When I was about 12, I went to a summer day camp at a horse farm. We got to ride every day, and my horse for the week was beautiful, black with a white diamond on her nose, and her name was Tasha. Not only did I discover I was allergic to horses that week, I also found out that I loved them.

For the most part, I haven't been on a horse since. Part of my dream honeymoon included horseback riding on the beach, but that wasn't really an option at our Varadero resort, or anywhere nearby. The best I got was a short trail ride in the woods on what looked more like a sad cross between a donkey and a pony.

I was excited to ride again. It was a bit costly, but I found a package deal with the ropes course that had the ziplining, so it wasn't so bad.

Because there was only two of us and the guide, we got much longer than the 45 minutes we paid for, almost twice as long. The trail was beautiful, I had a very nice horse that was just the perfect balance of following the others while still doing what I asked. I was definitely getting a little sore by the last half hour or so, so I was ready to be done in that aspect, but it was so nice to just get out and ride. The two other ladies were nice, we chatted most of the way, although I did plenty of listening as usual. I didn't mind, I was just enjoying the time with the horse.

It's an expensive hobby (sport?), and I hope someday I can afford to go more often, because it's almost the perfect combination of time with an animal while being outdoors. Love it.

It Flew Away From Her Reach So She Ran Away In Her Sleep

I'm not gonna lie; ziplining was not the carefree adventure I was hoping it would be.

It took a while to find a decent place, although it has certainly become more popular in the last year or so. There are now several parks in Ontario, plus it's available at a water park too. When I first picked the goal, I think there was one, and I actually was hoping to go in New Brunswick while we visited Nick's sister two summers ago. But it turns out there is one 15 minutes from us, so that's where we ended up.

Like most of them, it was part of a ropes course. Cables and obstacles from tree to tree, way up in the air. I don't have a fear of heights, but I do have a fear of falling (and yes, there is a difference. I love being high up, I don't love the sensation of losing balance/control and falling).

We were strapped in securely into a harness, and we were always attached by at least one carabiner. But the obstacles were challenging. Some were just like walking a tightrope, others you had to navigate over wobbly logs, at one point we had to climb a dangling wall with a porcupine stencil as foot and hand grips. With the first course done, I had discovered that I did not have decent upper arm strength (ok, that wasn't new information), that some things are easier the taller you are (ok, again, nothing new), and that ziplining maybe wasn't really all that fun (ok, that part was new). Even though I was trying to do what we were told, I couldn't seem to steer properly, and the first zip, I hit the tree sideways and scratched up my arm a little. The problem was, I didn't know what I was doing wrong, so I didn't know how to fix it.

After the first course, part of me wanted to be done. It was scary than I expected. Actually, I hadn't expected it to be scary at all, but it was taking a lot of mental/emotional strength for me to get through it. It was physically hard, and I felt embarrassed that the big girl couldn't handle it. I did it of course, and I'm sure no one thought twice about me, but it was nerve-wrecking. But I'm stubborn and don't give up that easily, so I headed on to the next course. Where it all fell apart.

The obstacles were harder. Although I knew if I fell, it wouldn't be far, all I could think about was the humiliation and the pain of the harness yanking on me, plus the difficulty of having to pull myself back onto the course. I knew I wouldn't be the first, but I didn't want to be the catch of the day either. If staff had to come rescue you, you were grounded for good, no second chance.

The cables dug into my arms. I developed bruises on my upper arms and around my armpits from where the cables rubbed against me. And then came the next zip. I tried yet again to steer with no luck; I was heading into the platform completely backwards. I couldn't see the girl (staff) trying to hand me the rope, although I could hear her telling me to grab it. I reached around and slammed calf first into the platform. Not good. I also missed the rope, so I zipped back towards the middle of the cable. Once I stopped, I had to work my hand over hand back to the platform. Embarrassing, and physically challenging. I already was feeling lousy about myself, and it only got worse. The girl was rude with me, like it ruined her day because I missed the rope. I asked her what I was doing wrong, and all she could say was that made I wasn't doing it right. Well obviously. I was trying to do what they showed us in orientation, and it didn't seem to be working.

The course continued. The obstacles got tougher. I watched a 9 year old and his dad fly through the course no problem. I got shakier and more agitated. I did not like it at all. I was just about ready to call it quits after this second course, but there was still 3 more and I do not let myself give up easily.

Then we came to the third to last obstacle of the course. You had to reach out and grab a rope and swing yourself across to the next platform. For the first time, my feet would not be on a cable or log, I had to jump. Like Tarzan. Or George of the Jungle. Nick went first and threw the rope back to me (I couldn't even reach it otherwise). It took some deep breaths but eventually I jumped. I didn't make it.

I dangled between the two platforms. I tried to give myself momentum to swing back, but my carabiners were stuck on the cable and wouldn't let me swing further. I had to let go of the rope, so I flopped down, held on by two carabiners and my harness. I tried to reach either platform with my feet to kick off, but they were slightly above my legs, and I couldn't reach. I was embarrassed and humiliated and everything I didn't want to happen had happened. Two girls behind me were trying to give me suggestions (they were quite nice actually) and Nick was doing everything he could to reach out and pull me up. I kept trying to swing one way or the other, but there was too much weight on the carabiners, and they wouldn't budge. I finally got them to move enough so that I was closer to Nick's side (I didn't care that I was technically closer to the stating platform; I wasn't about to do that again). But even with him trying to help, I was hanging so much lower than the platform that it was difficult to get my feet on it and pull myself up. By this point, a staff member was working their way over to me; it couldn't get any worse. Just as she got to the platform, Nick pulled me up. It was everything I had not to burst into tears. I hurt in every way; physically and emotionally.

It probably was all of 1 minute, maybe two, but it felt like forever. Unless you've ever been the fat girl in an awkward situation, you probably don't understand. Perhaps I perpetuated it all, by fearing it so much, I may have subconsciously willed it to happen, the whole self-fulfilling prophecy and all. Either way, I scrambled my way through the last two obstacles (thankfully not too bad of ones), and was very happy to be back on the ground. And very happy to never climb up again. (Ok, maybe not never, but I was certainly done for the day).

With an ice pack on my massively swollen and bruised calf (it's been 18 days and I still can't cross my legs; the black and yellow has faded, but the road rash is still there, and I can't lean on it in any way), Nick finished the last two challenging courses; I did not mind sitting them out one bit.

The day was not a success for me. I tried to conquer a fear, but I think it beat me. I fear physical pain too much, but then add in the embarrassment factor, and it was just way too much for me. I don't even know if it's something I want to attempt to conquer in the future; I may be content just letting it go.

Tonight I Feel Ambitious And So Does My Foot As It Sinks On The Pedal

I actually Googled Chinese firedrill, to make sure we did it properly. Technically, it had to be 4 people and you had to run to opposite corners. Which meant I needed to involve two other people in my insanity.

I figured we could just cruise up to a quiet 4-way stop and swap. But Tammy* insisted it be at a red light. That made me nervous. (Was this even technically legal? lol)

Now Nick is notorious for hitting every single just-red light as we drive, every time. Yet of course on this particular night, we drove through town and back without hitting a single one. Every time we approached a light, we had fingers on our seat belts, ready to whip them off and run. But no luck. So we gave up (momentarily) and went for a walk. The way out of the park has a light, which we managed to hit red, so off we went! Three of us flew out of the car, I slammed dead on into Steve*, went into hysterics, then managed my way around to the other side of the car. Steve was in the driver's seat, seat belt on and putting the car into gear when we realized Nick was still standing at the back of the car. To which the rest of us realized the light we were waiting on was on a sensor and we hadn't tripped it, so we would be at this red light for quite some time. So we ran around the car again. No one really saw us, but it was fun.

I was pretty thrilled; I got to do it not once, but twice! And I laughed so hard I cried, mostly because I plowed head on into Steve; we had both tried to side step each other, but went the same way. I was thoroughly entertained. And I thought I was done.

The four of us went for ice cream, sat and chatted for a while, then headed home. With none of us prepared, we hit a red light at the busiest intersection in town, Nick threw the car into park and jumped out. The three of us quickly realized we had better follow suit, so off we went a third time. This time we were surrounded by cars (5 lanes at the light, in both directions!), not to mention people walking by. We could see and hear people laughing, and the girl crossing at the light repeatedly gave us a thumbs up. And again, we were in hysterics.

(ok, so the photo is completely staged. We had to do what we had to do =)


It strangely reminded me of our wedding day. Nick has the ability to do something totally unexpected to make my day. It rained the afternoon of our outdoor wedding, so as I left in the horse drawn carriage with my parents for a quick tour before making my entrance, I was fully prepared to walk into the indoor Plan B. But while we were gone, Nick saw the short window of rainless opportunity, had guests help wipe down all the chairs, and my dream wedding happened outdoors as I had hoped. But it was a total surprise when the carriage stopped and we were re-routed towards the deck instead of into the hall. But definitely a moment of truly loving the man in my life for working so hard to make me happy. (I also know it was a moment that earned him big brownie points in my Dad's book, for making my outdoor ceremony happen).

Ok, so a goofy Chinese firedrill isn't comparable to my wedding. But it was the sentiment behind it; Nick wanted it to be perfect for me, so without a word, he made it happen, to everyone's surprise. Perhaps small moments to the world, but big moments to me that show me how much he loves me.

Weren't expecting all that out of a silly car stunt, were you?

Is There Anyone Out There Cause It's Getting Harder And Harder To Breathe

My weight continues to creep up. It's sad, it's pathetic. I just don't understand. Well, obviously I understand why the number on the scale is going up; I'm not stupid and I know how much I'm eating, so the extra pounds aren't shocking. What I don't understand is how I can want something SO bad, and yet throw it all away for ice cream and donuts and chocolate. And repeat every single day.

Ok, maybe not every day, but enough that the balance is tipping in the wrong direction.

I don't know what to do. I've known all the right answers for years, and yet I'm still here. I know what to do, but my constant problem is actually doing it. I destroy myself along the way. I don't let myself have willpower, I don't let myself stay strong. I'm pretty sure I've written these exact words hundreds of times. It's a desperate circle.

This morning I noticed another change in my body, and not for the better. I already noticed a bulge in my upper thighs a couple of months ago, but today I noticed that my upper arm now bulges out beyond my elbow when I straighten my arms. These aren't exactly attractive new features.

You would think that these new and unappealing changes would be huge catalysts to get me to lose the weight. Yesterday I saw 204 lbs on the scale. It's devastating. I thought I would never let myself get over 200, but I pretty much have been all summer, really since we moved. Clothes don't fit, I feel uncomfortable, like I'm covered in never-ending rolls (I practically am). I feel like a balloon animal at the joints.

The funny thing is, I've still been exercising throughout the summer. I certainly wouldn't say consistently, but often enough. Even that doesn't encourage me to stick to better eating. Nothing does...

So as always, I don't know where to go from here. I want ice cream every night, but I don't want to weigh 200 lbs either. So far, ice cream keeps winning. And I don't know how to change that. I'm so frustrated, but for whatever reason, I apparently not willing to change.

I feel like I keep waiting for rock bottom, almost encouraging it, but nothing is ever low enough. Like that quote, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom", I seem to be waiting for it to be painful enough, but it never seems to happen, so I am doomed to get fatter and never flower. Isn't this painful enough? Isn't the self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, tight clothing, unflattering silhouette, uncomfortable body movements, sometimes having a tough time squeezing into small bathroom stalls, out of breath after a short flight of stairs, thighs rubbing, shirts that don't fit my wide arms, stomach rolls, feeling completely unsexy, feeling literally heavy, sore knees, tight calves, weak biceps, bloated tummy, sugar headaches, lack of flexibility or coordination.... the list goes on... isn't all that enough?? What more do I need?

Why can't I just make the commitment to myself to do it, and stick with it? I guess that's really what it boils down to, and that has nothing to do with food, exercise or the scale...

You Could Resurrect A Thousand Words To Deceive Me

You know that awkward moment in a conversation when the other person used a word that you don't understand? Luckily (assumingly because I work with teenagers) that doesn't happen to me too often, but it could! I'm actually more likely to come across a new word in a book, or on TV (watch Dawson's Creek, its full of pretentious big words). So I signed up for a Word of the Day email and started a list of new words and their definitions.

I was pretty picky; I had to like the look and sound of the word, be able to pronounce it, and be a word I could actually potentially use. It was a cool learning experience, and I did add those words that I often struggle with (I could never remember what ubiquitous meant).

I don't know that I've managed to integrate all (or any) of those new words into my daily conversations; maybe that's a goal for my next list.

As I Recall I Think We Both Kinda Liked It

I felt like I was missing out on cultural references because I hadn't seen certain movies. I mean seriously, do you know how often Citizen Kane is referred to?? It's ridiculous. Just the other day, the guy on the radio was making a joke about Fast 6 and called it the Citizen Kane of 6th movies (it was the Edge, it's not exactly an intelligent station). And I'm pretty sure it's mentioned in Dawson's Creek at some point. So I felt like I wanted to be part of the crowd that actually understood all the references.

I still don't get all the Citizen Kane references though. It was an ok movie, ripe for analysis of symbolism. It must have been phenomenal when it was released because it didn't seem that spectacular now. But having seen it, I still feel like I'm missing the point. Maybe it's not so much the movie that people are always referring to, but the aura of it? The length of it, the awards it won? I don't know but at least I get the Rosebud references now =)

I also watched a Marilyn Munroe movie, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes; it nicely matched the biography of her I read.

I also threw in Breakfast At Tiffany's (not that exciting sadly), Psycho (kinda fun, plus I get Bates references now), and Carrie (yea for pig blood!).

I feel a bit more cultured now!

The Colors Conflicted As The Flames Climbed Into The Clouds

There's a scene in Surviving Christmas where a slightly neurotic Ben Affleck writes down all the moments in his life that wronged him and burned the list as a way to let go. It seemed like a therapeutic idea (plus it came from a Christmas movie, it had to be legit).

So I made the list and pinned it to our clothesline and brought out the lighter.

 

While I don't think I've forgotten the things I wrote, it did have a certain cathartic effect. And it looked cool; I like watching fire =)

I felt bad that I charred the clothesline but the tree yanked it down in an ice storm last winter, so no one will ever know.

Swallow It Down, What A Jagged Little Pill

My original goal was to take an AQ purely out of interest and not just because it would look good on a resume. Although I've enjoyed the courses I have taken so far, I definitely chose them largely because they would help me get a job (hopefully). I wanted to take one because I wanted to, not because I should. I was eyeing the Outdoor Ed course, or maybe Guidance. But time (and mostly money) slipped away and the next thing I knew we were buying a house and I had a lot more important places to sink $700.

So I had to find a replacement goal that was somewhat similar. That was a challenge, until I stumbled upon Coursera. Tons and tons of free online courses through universities around the world. My new goal was born: take two courses that I could put on my resume. Two because it was a substitution and wasn't quite as valuable as an AQ. I realize that seems contradictory that the courses had to benefit my resume whereas the AQ was to be taken specifically not to. But I figured an AQ helps my resume no matter which one I take, whereas I could take Coursera courses that would be meaningless and ridiculous to put on my resume. It was my best attempt at something equivalent that I could afford.

I ended up choosing E-Learning and Digital Cultures, and Science from Superheroes to Global Warming, both of which I could easily link to teaching.

The technology course was short, only one assignment, and dealt basically with utopian and dystopian viewpoints of an evolving technological world. I figured the science course would give me ideas on how to better connect students with scientific information. It was a longer course with weekly quizzes, two assignments and a final exam. It got a bit overwhelming near the end, especially when all the house-buying stuff came up, so my effort dwindled in the last couple of weeks but I fared ok since it was basically science content for the non-science person.

Overall both courses were a good experience; I've already completed others and am signed up for a few more, including one on genetics and another on nutrition. I love that I can continue to learn about subjects that interest me. The website was a fabulous find.

I'm Stronger, Than I Ever Thought That I Could Be

Pushups are the devil. I'm pretty sure only really sadist exercisers truly enjoy them. But I can't deny that they are an excellent display of upper body strength, something I typically lack. So this 100 Pushups Challenge was indeed going to be a challenge.

Pushups remind me of the karate classes I took when I was younger. They remind me of military punishment. They do not make me think of having a good time.

The first day I had to do the test, to see where I was stating from. I tried to do them from my toes and squeaked out a pathetic 2 pushups. On my knees, I managed 17. So I would be doing the challenge with modified pushups. I was ok with that (at 187 lbs, I was ok with that). Nick was even going to do the challenge with me.

By the second day of week 5, I did 101 pushups. Not all at once, in smaller sets, but in my mind, it was goal accomplished right there. There was still another week to go, but to me, I had succeeded.

I did get through week 6 (I was actually surprised how quickly I progressed, but miss one day and it felt like you were back to square one). On the final test, I did two sets of 50 pushups, and that made me very happy.

A tougher goal for me, but I stuck to it and finished it.

Take Me Away, A Secret Place, A Sweet Excape

We went camping with some friends last weekend, and it seemed like the perfect setting to watch a sunset and a sunrise. Somehow the weather cooperated, and we had a beautiful evening/morning. The only part that wasn't so fun was getting up at 4:30am; I wanted to see the sunrise from complete darkness onward (I have no idea why).

The lake we were on wasn't quite perfect for sunset viewing, but Nick managed to find a decent spot for us, and we almost ended up in the same spot in the morning.

We were tired, and somewhat impatient, but we were paid off, especially in the morning with some amazing views, and I ended up about 15 ft away from a family of deer eating breakfast!

Time Is Going By So Much Faster Than I

I quite clearly have a thing for nostalgia, so a time capsule makes perfect sense. Although it was surprisingly a bit of a challenge to come up with ideas for a short term time capsule just for us. I only wanted to do about 5 years, basically to compare being at the end of living at this house to the end of our first mortgage term at our new house. Originally we thought we might only be buying a 5 year house, so it made more sense, but now I'm pretty sure we'll be at this house for longer than 5 years.

It seems that most time capsules are for much longer (like 50 years) and are intended for someone else to discover. I guess that makes sense, I just wanted to do something different. I spent a couple of months thinking about what I wanted in it and collecting things like a movie ticket and a gas receipt. With closing day coming up, I had to get it done ASAP. I finally pieced it all together and sealed it up.

And so we wait, until April 21, 2018.