The first week of summer school has been crazy; I've been basically teaching 3 different classes all at once and it's been chaotic finding resources to but together an entire semester in just 2 weeks. But I think I've got it finally figured out, and next week should be a bit less frenetic. It didn't help that I seemed to be hit by some awful flu for a couple of days, but I finally feel like I'm on the mend today, so things are looking up.
My weight, however, is also on the up. The bad habits have continued. I can happily say however, that I would not classify it as a binge. I don't think I have been eating excessive quantities in one sitting, like I was likely to do in the past. Eating McDonald's and ice cream several nights in a row isn't a smart choice, but in my mind, not a binge. That being said, it is so hard to get back on the wagon once you have fallen off!! I haven't had one solid good food day in a week. I tried really hard yesterday; I wasn't sure what had triggered my stomach problems so I was trying to eat very clean. I had cereal for breakfast and veggies and hummus for lunch. Still feeling somewhat ill, I was craving M&M Meats French Onion Soup, so I planned to stop there on my way home from school. And of couse my mind wandered to all the other possibilities. Here's how my train of thought went. Seriously. Note where the devil kicks in and the angel fights back.
"Mmmm French Onion soup... so good... just the thing for when you are feeling sick. Too bad I have to stop and pick some up, I wish I already had some at home. In the winter, I was so good at keeping at least one in the freezer, but I didn't think I would eat much of it in the summer. Anyway, I should also pick up some chicken while I'm at the store, I think we are running low... Hmm... the chocolate chip banana cake at M&M's is really good... oh I really want some... No! I do not want to eat an entire cake, and I know that's exactly what would happen, if over the next day or two, if I bought that. But maybe I could get one of those individual lava chocolate chip cookie things they have... those are really good too.... But I really want some ice cream... I don't remember the ice cream from M&M's being very good, maybe I can just stop at Dairy Queen on the way by! What do I feel like.. oooh, maybe Mocha Chip Blizzard, definitely feeling like something mocha... No! I've had a really good day so far, I don't want to ruin it!"
Luckily I managed to get in and out of M&M's with just the soup and the chicken, and I drove past DQ. I had talked myself out of the bad food choices by the time I got back into town (I have a 45 minute commute). So I headed home, cooked dinner for Nick* (who was headed out with his mom for her birthday to see Transformers) and put my soup in the oven. And it was really good soup. And yet about an hour after I ate, I was feeling like a snack. I wanted that ice cream and I wanted something chocolatey. Without either in the house, I ended up on my fall back: bread with peanut butter and jam. By the way, it ALWAYS requires a few dollops of peanut butter in my mouth in between spreading it on the bread. The bread really isn't necessary, it's just a means to get the PB&J. I should really just mix myself a bowl of PB&J and skip the bread. Really. (Don't think I haven't done it before.)
After that, the floodgates were open. I asked Nick* to pick me up some ice cream. Luckily I opted for a single serve sundae from the convenience store, a better choice than a blizzard or entire carton. But there went down the tubes my effort to get through one day unscathed.
So far today has gone well, but I know very well how simple it i for me to get to 5:00pm. It's all that happens thereafter that makes or breaks a day for me. But dinner is planned and we have baseball tonight, so hopefully I can get myself to the end of the day without having made a poor choice. I know that all it takes is one day to start the streak, and it gets easier each day. But I truly feel addicted to junk food, like once I've had some, I continue to crave more. And the longer I go without having it, the easier it gets. So I just have to get through one day, just one day...
Tomorrow I'll talk about the lovely Two Fit Chicks podcast I listened to today; it will help with one of my goals and hopefully improve my non-existent (and weight-inducing) self-love!
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