I was driving to work this morning and on the on ramp to the highway, a girl sped by me on the right in the ending lane. She forced her way in front of me, forcing me to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting her as she cut me off. I honked my annoyance to her. In return, she rolled down her window and gave me the finger, checking her mirror to make sure I got the message before retracting her hand. The whole thing left me with an awful taste in my mouth and I am annoyed that I can’t stop thinking about it. I hated that I couldn’t stop letting myself feel lousy about it.
This summer, a somewhat similar occurrence that I couldn’t shake happened in downtown Toronto. Nick and I were venturing to MEC for the first time. Unfortunately there was a Jays game going on at the same time, so parking was non-existent. Anywhere. We decided to keep trying in the MEC parking lot, about 30 cramped underground spaces. We just kept circling, looking for someone leaving, but of course there was always several other cars doing the exact same thing. I finally decided to get out of the car and try to stand in a freed spot as it became open and wait for Nick to bring the car around to it. (We are not aggressive enough drivers to survive in Toronto!) So it wasn’t a terribly brilliant idea in any aspect, but we had been circling for parking for literally an hour. A car finally pulled out of a spot and I stood at the end of it. Nick was at the other end of the row but started to drive over to me. But of course another car got in front of him and wanted the spot. (I’ll point out that we had been waiting much longer in the parking lot than she had!) I politely told her I was holding the spot for my husband, who was right behind her and that we had been looking for parking for a long time (told you we would never survive in Toronto). She shrugged and said “So?” and inched closer into the spot I was standing in. Not being a fan of confrontation and sensing an impossible situation on my hands, I moved out of the spot. Not happily. I was incredibly irritated at her attitude more than anything, and noticing her 5(ish) year old in the back, sarcastically told her that she had a really nice attitude and to have a nice day with her son. I was furious. Was I in the right to be standing in a parking spot in a busy lot? Maybe not. But her attitude wasn’t exactly charitable to someone who was polite to her. Nor was my sarcastic comment particularly mature, but I was angry. Maybe she had been looking for parking for a while too, but I can’t imagine that if the roles were reversed that I would have done the same as her (again, Toronto=traffic death). I would probably be annoyed that I would still have to search for a spot, but I wouldn’t take that one. If I had been standing there for a while with no husband in sight, maybe. But Nick was just down the row, about 6 parking spots away. I truly don’t know what the ‘right’ action for either of us was, but the whole interaction put me in a horribly sour mood that I just could not shake for several days. I wasn’t proud of my own choices, but I didn’t think hers were fair either. And every now and then, particularly when things like this morning happen, I return to that sour feeling. Which brings me to my point of this long-winded diatribe.
Why do these useless feelings continue to haunt and plague me? I imagine partially because I feel somewhat guilty at instigating the situation; I shouldn’t have been standing in a parking spot, and I could have slowed down (on an on-ramp?!) to let the girl merge into my lane a bit less dramatically. But the reason I think I get so irate is because I fight with myself over what to do in society anymore. People are increasingly ride it seems, to perfect strangers, and part of me wants to let them know that they’ve done something impolite. Nick hates it, but I am prone to saying a very loud “You’re welcome!” when I hold a door for someone and don’t get the slightest nod or thank you. Do I do kind things for the recognition? No, of course not. I do them because I was raised to be polite and courteous. It seems that that’s not the norm anymore. I like treating people kindly and I like being considerate (or at least trying to be; none of this is an implication that I think I am perfect!). I don’t do it because I have to, I do it because I want to; I want to be that kind of person who is considerate of others. But that’s becoming increasingly hard to do anymore. It’s tough being the person that follows the so-called rules of society when everyone around you is breaking them. Or maybe the rules have changed, and I’m the one doing it all wrong.
Once I got into town, I was in a similar traffic scenario; someone wanted to merge from their ending lane into mine except they ran out of room. I slowed down a bit (wasn’t an on ramp this time) and was only somewhat cut off. But I felt much less irate than if I had sped up to try to prove him wrong and lost. (I didn’t get a thank you wave, but I didn’t get the finger either). The experiment was somewhat successful; I didn’t end up with irate feelings that will plague me months later, I was just mildly annoyed at the arrogant driver. The problem was that now I feel like a doormat. Anyone can take advantage of me because I’ll just step aside and follow the rules of politeness (apparently only as I see them) while you do whatever you want. And yet you’re the one that gets ahead.
So in the end, I’m torn. I feel like I have two options:
- Continue the ‘good’ fight in attempting to win against (perceived) arrogant jerks who are neither courteous nor polite, and then feel like crap (often with residual feelings of general lousy-ness lasting for quite some time) when I invariable lose the battle, or
- Give up and just step aside and ignore when someone does something that I think is rather socially unacceptable, feel like a doormat (albeit for a much shorter period of time) and continue to perpetuate the decline of a polite society.
I don’t see a winning option here. Thoughts?
Addendum
December 14:
I was certainly in a state when I wrote this, a bit melodramatic perhaps. I don’t revoke anything I said, but I am certainly willing to accept a bit more responsibility for these situations, rather than just blaming it on everyone else, who apparently I deem as so impolite.
I certainly believe that society has changed to be less polite. Are my interpretations of politeness always the right ones? I would assume not. Is it my job to ‘teach’ people how to be polite? Of course not. Should I just accept that people will be rude (based on my parameters)? I don’t know. That’s where I struggle. I don’t believe anyone should just have to sit by and let someone treat them poorly without putting up a fight, and when I hold a door open for you and you don’t say thank you at all, I see it that you’ve treated me poorly.
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