Our weekend in PEI was simply fantastic; Charlottetown was an amazing city and I wish we had've had more time to spend there. My sister-in-law was the best tour guide we could have asked for in Halifax; we did some cheesy touristy things but also saw some great parks and beaches that we never would have found without her. It was nice to get home (especially after 20some hours of driving) but it was a really great vacation so I am sad that it's over. But also nice to attempt to get back to a calm reality that doesn't include summer school or intense last minute vacation planning.
Not so shockingly, I gaind a fair bit of weight over our trip. The scale showed me a sad 183.0 this morning. I'm not surprised, nor I seem to be jumping right back to healthy eating since I've been home; I've still been eating chips and chocolate in excess. I feel ready to start a new push of determination (I even went to a personal trainer consultation this morning, but more on that in a bit) but I'm really starting to feel like the boy who cried wolf and I can't even take myself seriously. So many times I have declared this the "last" time, this time I will finally be successful, this time will be different, this time I will stick with it and reach all of my goals. And nobody should believe me when I say it today, why would they? I don't even believe myself. And that's the problem; how can I succeed when I already assume I will fail, just like I have every other time? And I think that's why I am having a tough time getting back on track. Why bother? I know how it's going to end. Honestly, why would this time be any different than the hundreds of other times I've tried? There's nothing new here, there's no new tips and tricks up my sleeve, no secret diet or food or exercise regime to blast me through to my goal weight.
I still feel like I could give it a good go (yet again), but it's embarassing at this point. It's like I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I don't even know how it's embarassing, because the only people that really know about my million and one ventures is Nick. There are a few other people who know bits and pieces, like my parents perhaps. But I find it's even an embarassment to myself, and I don't know how to get past that.
As for my personal trainer consultation, I am all set for 6 sessions of one-on-one fitness. I'm really looking forward to it. My trainer's name is Natasha* and I went to many of her group fitness classes last summer; she was by far my favourite instructor. So I am really looking forward to working out with her. And I think I will really benefit from being accountable; I try to hard to blend into the crowd at Weight Watchers. I need someone to push me and make my choices matter. Hopefully this does that.
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