About my run yesterday. It was such a handbag of thoughts and emotions!
First, I just wanted to get it over with; enough with the 4 long intervals! I have been running the same route since I started Couch to 5K a couple of years ago, adding on to it as I need to run further, and I decided to run the route in reverse. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes, just running in the opposite direction. It just throws a completely different perspective on the scenery. Plus I couldn't try to guess where I would finish each interval. Mostly a good thing.
Somewhere in my 2nd interval, I jogged by two moms chatting on a park bench. I have no idea whatsoever what they were chatting about, but they glanced over at me as I ran by, and suddenly I felt like a runner. I felt like that girl that people watch run by and are envious of because she can run and you can't (I used to be those people). I felt like that girl I used to hate because she could do it and I couldn't, because she had the gumption to get off the couch and do something. But all of a sudden it was me! I was that girl! I've never been that girl! For likely the first time, I felt like a real runner, like I actually belonged on the street in my running shoes, and not like a fat girl just faking it. It was a great feeling, and put a tremendous bounce in my step. I think I ran a bit faster (which may have tired me out!).
Somewhere in my 3rd interval came the crash after the high. I was back to resenting the fact that I felt trapped in my set training schedule that I have fallen behind on. I was feeling like I had to force myself to do this each time; how was I ever going to train for a half marathon?? I don't enjoy giving up an hour and a half several times a week just to punish myself. Would I ever run faster than this? Would I even make it through this exhausting run?
Somewhere in my 4th interval, I realized the end was in sight. My wandering mind had settled on to a rant I was just dying to post about to see what people thought. My running woes, well, at least those of self-adequacy, were gone. I was loathing the households who felt it necessary to water the sidewalk. And here comes the rant/soapbox:
I thought sidewalks were for pedestrians; have I been wrong all this time? Why is it ok to block the sidewalk in any way? I've had to run around parked cars in the past, which I find mildly annoying (what if I was a parent with a stroller? Am I expected to push the stroller through the grass and on the road because you're ignorant?). But last night I had to avoid several sprinklers at the peril of getting soaked. That's not what the sidewalk is for! Do people have no consideration for others?? Then there's the people playing some kind of sport. Last night it was lacrosse at one house, road hockey at another. I am very happy to see people outside, enjoying the weather and each others company, and doing something active. But why does that mean that I, as the pedestrian on the sideWALK, have to fear balls flying at my head or my shins? Does it not occur to you to maybe a) step off the sidewalk while someone walks/runs by, or b) hold the ball until said person has passed? It's just simple consideration for other people! Or what about those couples who walk side by side, and don't share any on the sidewalk as you walk by from the other direction? (that didn't happen to me last night, but it has happened many times before). Did they miss the 'sharing' day in kindergarden?? I really hate that common courtesy is no longer 'common'. And I hate that I just don't have it in me to stop doing those considerate things so that I could just match what it seems like the rest of the population is doing; I don't have it in me to be that consciously inconsiderate.
I will now dismount soapbox.
By the time I got home, I was exhausted, and still had a ton of school work to do. Exam week so far has been very tiring, which I did not expect.
I haven't checked my speed at all for the last few weeks of training, and I finally decided to see how much distance I was covering in my 1 hour run (walking intervals and warmup/cooldown included). I shocked myself to see that I had covered just over 7 km last night. That 8km run isn't that far off! I'm raelly happy to see that. Maybe having the faster music really does encourage me subconsciously to run faster. I'll take it!
I reverted back to my Tuesday night Weight Watchers weigh-in and sadly weighed in at 177 lbs. But I had to remind myself that I had weighed in Saturday MORNING and it was now Tuesday NIGHT. That alone could easily count for the pound gain, and all my daily morning weigh-ins have been losses, so I know I shouldn't stress about it. I just hate the thought of recording a gain, expecially since I have had a great couple of weeks. And next Tuesday's weigh-in is a long way away, expecially since there is about 6 meals away from home this weekend. Yikes!
I was sadly back to feeling like an imposter. Over the last 6 months, when I have sat in my Weight Watchers meeting and our amazing leader DK* brings up a stackful of celebrations and goals achieved, I've felt like an imposter. I didn't belong there, I wasn't losing weight, in fact many (many) weeks, I was gaining. How could I show up and expect to fit in with a roomful of people losing weight when I so badly wasn't? I felt humiliated and yet no one knew, so now I was a liar too.
I expected to feel different this week. Even with my gain, shouldn't I have felt proud of how well I have been doing? But no, the celebrations stack was even bigger than usual, and I haven't had a celebration since early December. I hardly belonged in that room of high achievers. Some women there get a 5 lbs star every other week. I haven't seen one in half a year. But I shall persevere!
This week will be tough. Dinner out at Mongolian Grill Friday night, lunch out with Irene* after her wedding dress fitting, then dinner at her parent's place, then a whole day at Canada's Wonderland... If it was only one meal out, I could handle it no problem, but I have to get myself unscathed through an entire weekend of meals that are out of my control. I have a plan but it could get messy. Salad, eat half, small portions, no drinks/snacks, nothing fried, no treats. I hope it works!
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