Today was Day 2 of eating 40% carbs, 30% fat, 30% protein (sadly otherwise known as The Zone). When I first put this on my list, I wasn't really aiming for a fad diet trial, I was just trying to eat healthy with a bit more protein. Turns out, it's already been done haha. At least that meant a plethora of recipes online. I've got the week planned out, and it wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, although it was a bit time consuming to get those percentages to work out every day. (I'm a bit of a stickler for self imposed rules; I only let myself deviate 2% in either direction. I'm a bit OCD).
It's meant a bit more meat at lunchtime, and working eggs into meals, perhaps a protein shake. The only thing I don't like is that I've actually had to cut down on fruits and veg to reduce the carbs. Other than that, it's not so bad at all, and I've felt pretty full, although I've been snacking throughout the day. Oh and did I mention cottage cheese? Yeah, there's that.
I've also started reading a book called Overcoming Overeating. I feel like it's getting into my head and putting all my eating issues in writing. I understand what they are saying so deeply. But their solutions scare me. While it's all a bit more complex than this, they basically say stop thinking "If only I was thin..." and accept who you are right now. Drop the thought that you will ever diet again. Don't limit any food, ever. They literally encourage you to go on a massive food shopping spree for all your favourites in practically unlimited quantities. The point is that while, yes, you will likely eat a lot at first, once your brain realizes that the food is easily accessible, you will no longer need to binge on it. And that makes sense. I think of the summer when I worked at a store that carried Kawartha Dairy ice cream, I had so much Moose Tracks that I don't think I will ever be able to eat it again. Still. And that was at least 5 years ago. It makes sense. Most importantly, you are not to judge or berate yourself no matter what you eat.
But my God it's a scary thing to take on. My whole life I feel like I've either been on a diet, or on a binge waiting for the next diet. I think about food. A lot. All the time. It's consuming (hence being a compulsive over-eater). I can't imagine what it would be like NOT to be like that. I mean it would be nice. But I can't really picture it. Then the thought of having unlimited food in the house, all the brownies and ice cream I could imagine and then some... seems so counter-productive to everything I have been fighting for for the last.... 15 years. I can guarantee that I would gain a lot of weight. But the point is not to concern yourself with your weight; you are trying to fix your eating problem (not your weight problem) and that is just one of the steps to getting there.
Anyway, I don't know where I will take this information. I haven't finished the book yet, so that may help. But they really stress (and understandably) that you can't just try it as an experiment, you have to truly and wholeheartedly decide that you are through with diets forever. You have to do 100% committed to it, and I just don't know if I can let go... I don't know what it's like not to be critical of myself when I overeat. I don't know what it's like not to feel worthless for not having the self-control not to eat. How can I just let go of all that? And it sounds stupid, because why wouldn't I WANT to let go of all that crap. Believe, I do want to. It's just so hard to fathom, even if they are bad habits. But bad habits are hard to give up on, as I'm sure any smoker will tell you. (No, I've never been a smoker, I'm guessing based on watching my dad quit a few times a year for the last 25 years).
I've got 5 more days on this goal anyway before I make any food choices on this. I don't know what life would be like if I just ate what I want, when I want, as oppose to always worrying what might happen to my waistline. I think it would be a great feeling. But the book even mentions that it's very difficult when society dictates that the side effects of overeating are completely undesirable in life. I feel like, for a change, that there is hope for me, but it would be an awfully huge leap to get there... if I can take it.
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