Let's talk about my weight, since that's truly why I first started this blogging adventure.
Right now, it's horrific. I continue to binge and I continue to gain, so much so that I currently sit at 183 lbs. Blech-yuck. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, my clothes don't fit, and I'm disappointed in myself that just 5 months ago, I was 17 lbs lighter. That's awful! I'm going in the completely wrong direction!
I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's like somewhere my brain has decided that weight loss is just not for me, so no matter how hard I try, my unconscious brain is going to sabotage myself. I will do everything right for a while, but then something makes me fall away from healthy choices. And then it becomes a downwards spiral.
I had high hopes of going to my sister-in-laws wedding looking fantastic, since she saw me last summer at 184 lbs. Well, just 1 lbs away from that now, I'm not about to look too fantastic. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I do this??
I'm just so frustrated that I lack self control, and it's so stupid, because all I have to do is just do it, and that would fix that problem. I'm the only that can decide how this goes, and I keep messing it up, which makes me upset. Why would I do things that I know are going to make me upset?? It makes no sense at all.
I've run out of ideas. I've tried every tactic, every reward system, every kind of meal planning, every kind of incentive. I tried counting points, counting calories, not counting anything, not eliminating anything. I'm out. I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy to fight a losing battle. So I'm completely stuck. I hate being overweight, but I hate the exasperation I feel when I try to lose weight. I can't win no matter what direction I take. And while I'm in this limbo, I end up just gaining even more weight.
Not to pump Nike, but if my tag line became "Just do it", and I actually followed through on that, there might be hope for me. But for some reason I won't let myself be capable of that. For some reason, I want to fail at this. I find that bizarre, because my career world is so precarious and out of my control right now, wouldn't I want to have something that I actually can 100% control? But then that's where I get into trouble; there are invariable (food) situations in life that I can't control. I make the best choice I feel that I can, but then it ends up being not good enough, and I feel like all is for naught. Or I feel like I deserve a little bit of an indulgence, and I pay a scale price that does not seem on par, and get frustrated all over again.
I need to let the little things stop bothering me. If a celebration happens and I indulge a bit, so be it, things go back to normal right afterwards, not 3 weeks afterwards. If I work my butt off in every way and don't see results on the scale or in the way my clothes fit, I need to keep on pushing. And these things are so hard for me to do.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what else I can pull out to motivate me to do this. I have pictures and quotes everywhere, I have smaller clothing I want to fit in that I look at regularly. I have races to run that I know will be easier if I have less weight on me. I have a husband that wants to carry me over the threshold of our new house next year; he's going to really want me to have less weight on me! (and no, I know he doesn't think like that, that one was all me). I want to have kids someday that I need to be healthy for. I have all the motivation and reminders in the world, and yet I still can't do it. And I don't know what it's going to take to get me there, because I've been here before, I've been this exasperated, this frustrated. And clearly nothing changed.
I feel like I am at one hell of an impasse...
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