You know that moment when you're tired of being a lump? You feel exasperated with your recent behaviour and just have that moment of clarity that means things have got to change. I've had that moment several times. It's kind of a bi-product of re-committing yourself over and over again to weight loss. After every binge comes that moment. Some binges are short, some are sadly longer. But eventually that moment comes through where you're tired of choosing failure. Tired of feeling like food controls you, instead of the other way around.
The problem is that the other side of this, for me at least, is that I get tired of being obsessed. I get obsessed with planning and preparing to do the things to help me lose weight. I get consumed, where every breathe thinks about what I'm eating next, do I feel like working out tonight, do I deserve this treat, does that even matter. And during that time, I do in fact do well. But god it would be really nice to not have to think about food in any context, to just be.
I truly think I will be great at maintining my weight, whenever I get to that place. Indulge a bit, reign it all in for a few days, balance. But for now, I can't seem to stop sabatoging myself. I do well, get close to a goal, somewhat-subconsciously panic, pig out and stop going to the gym. Then start all over again, ultimately never actually progressing, but constantly in a battle with myself that no one is winning.
Nick's tired of the battle, and he just watches from the sidelines and listens to the endless commentary. But I have to live it every day, every moment, and it's exhausting. Is there actually an end to this war?
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