I wish that were true. Today I wish I could be someone else. Hell, I'd even settle for just a better version of me. I don't really like who I am, and I don't really know how to change it. The problem is I lack the drive to just get up in the morning and do the things that I wish I would do, be the person that I wish I would be. Procrastinating is much easier, and apparently I like the easy road. Maybe it's because I typically don't get the easy road for much, so I take it where I can. And then I just end up feeling guilty for moaning about my big first world problems. Strangely enough, that doesn't actually make me feel any better about myself either. And around and around we go...
I have an amazing husband. But my luck and abilities apparently stop there. We've been fighting for years to get our own house (that may or may not happen in the spring, and if it does, I don't think it will be a house that we are entirely happy about, due to changing rates and mortgage rules). We've spent almost 7 years fighting with lousy tenants, the most current of which who has yet to pay rent on time since he signed the lease, and as I type is smoking in the basement (to which I am allergic). I have fought to get through school, to get into teacher's college, to get a (supply) job, to get more permanent jobs, and all I get is the carrot dangled in front of me that snapped back. I am happy to have supply teaching, but all it does is make me want a real/permanent teaching job. If I wasn't on a supply list, I would have moved on by now, and maybe have a real career. We don't really even consider having kids because it just wouldn't be a good decision right now, financially. I've been fighting for about 20 years to get my weight under control. We know how successful that's been. I feel like a victim, and I feel like I have been fighting for so long NOT to be a victim, and I'm out of energy to fight it. Everything I work for seems to fail. So why bother trying? At least if I stopped fighting, I wouldn't feel disappointment. If I could learn to stop wanting more in life for us, for myself, I wouldn't feel so let down.
I know we have it better than so many people in the world. We don't have to worry about not having enough food to eat, or shelter over our head. I don't discount that. What I resent the most lately is the fact that we've been trained to always push for bigger and better things. We've been told to dream big and go after those dreams. It's ingrained in us. But the whole "fall down 7 times, get up 8" isn't working for me anymore. I am so tired of dragging myself up just to get hit back down again. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to just stay down and stop taking the abuse?
The worst part is, the one thing that I actually can control (my weight), I can't even get my head wrapped around solving that problem. I mean the job, the house, we can do 100% right on our end, but there are still outside factors, hence why I don't have a permanent job despite doing everything that was asked of me and then some. My weight hinges on me and only me. And I apparently am incapable of even fixing that.
So right now I question what am I good for, in any sense?
No comments:
Post a Comment