So I had a depressing realization today. In all honesty, I don't think it was a new revelation, I think it was me stepping out of denial. My weight loss attempts are not succeeding. Not because of my lack of planning, or because I'm not following the right 'plan', or because I'm not trying hard enough. Well, kinda the last one, but let me explain:
I have (almost) 30 years of programming in my brain that is messing me up. (About 20 of those have been spent on the weight loss roller coaster).
It doesn't matter if I follow Weight Watchers, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Blogilates (worth checking out), or a meal/exercise plan that I (or even an expert) create solely for me. It's not the plan that doesn't work, it's me. My plans are good. Most 'diets' are good (minus the Cabbage Soup, that's just dumb. And by 'diet', I mean in it's actual definition, "The kinds of food that a person habitually eats", not what latest plan and/or gimmick one follows to lose weight). I've had fabulous plans worked out and prepped, and even now, I think they were absolutely fabulous, perfectly tailored to me and no reason why they should not guide me to weight loss. I'll say again, the plan is not the problem. I am.
When Friday night roles around and I am feeling tired and ready to relax after a chaotic week, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When friends set out a bowl of chips while we play Clue on Saturday night, it doesn't matter what the plan says. When I'm craving Chinese food, it doesn't matter what the plan says. I'm talked about my fog before, the daze/trance that I seem to disappear into that can argue any logical reasoning not to overindulge, or to not skip a workout. But the fog always wins, logic never seems to prevail, and here I sit, still around 190 lbs. And it quite clearly has nothing to so with the plan.
So today I am at a loss. I'm tapped out. Not necessarily tapped out of desire to fix this, but tapped out of ideas. I've restarted so many times, I feel like I've tried it all, and then gone back and tried it all again just to be sure. But no matter which plan I follow, it doesn't change the result. I do really well for a few weeks and lose a good amount of weight, I fizzle a bit and go up and down for a couple of weeks, then fall off completely and gain a bunch back. And in the end, I make no progress and end up just frustrated. And still fat.
I don't know what to do now. I don't know what approach to take, I don't know how to change who I am and how I react around food. I need some serious behaviour modification, and I just don't know how to do it. I wish it was as easy as saying "just do it", or "stop eating things you shouldn't" or "eat only in moderation". But obviously if pat words were enough, I would be thin already. If those mantras were enough in those moments of fog, there wouldn't even be an issue. Maybe I still don't want it bad enough. Although I really don't believe that. I'd like to think that maybe daily meditation could work, or positive affirmations, or any fancy psychobabble gimmick, but I would miss one day and get thrown off the bus the same as before.
Bottom line, I have bad behavioural habits. I don't know how to break them. But until I do, I will not be successful.
I really just don't know what to do...
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