Do you ever just feel like you're meant for more than this? That you're meant for more than just average? That you're destined for something bigger, something important, something meaningful?
I've been watching old seasons of The Biggest Loser, and just watching the contestants, watching the relationships they have with each other and their trainers, makes me feel like I'm suppose to be part of something big, part of something significant. Maybe not necessarily weight loss, although I do occasionally dream of being a fitness and nutrition expert to help others. I guess the hard part is feeling like you're meant for something important, and you're not getting the chance.
The last week or so has been crazy.
Nick and I have been planning on buying a house, we've been dreaming of this for years. We've been saving money for a down payment, which isn't always easy as a supply teacher with a sporadic paycheck and lots of weeks of EI or no work at all. We had a plan that got us where we wanted to be for the end of June, since that's when my parents were selling the house we live in. Over time, our budget changed, always dropping a little bit lower. We started with aiming for $250,000 and although it would get us a great house, the monthly payments seemed too high. So we aimed a little lower, $240,000. But as we fought to keep saving, as we lost our tenant in the basement and our extra $700 a month, even that seemed high.
Then just a week ago, my parents had their real estate agent come check out the house to get an idea of what they would list it as once it went up for sale. The afternoon led to discussions of timing, us finding and buying a house, getting closing dates as close as we can to avoid extra unneeded mortgage payments for anyone. Bottom line, we could start looking for a house NOW. We didn't need to wait for a June closing date, we could go anytime, and in fact were encouraged to go sooner rather than later. We were kinda blown out of the water.
Don't get me wrong, we have done sooooo much research over the last couple of years, we're ready. We have gone to seminars, open houses and read books on mortgages and buying a house. I feel well prepared. But we had figured on June. The biggest thing was that financially we had planned on June. Since the December blow of losing our tenant, we lost that extra cash that otherwise was going straight to savings. We had 6 months, or over $4000 gone. That's a big difference. So we aren't quite financially ready to buy a house right now. But we are oh so close. Like another $1000 or so, and we'd have enough to show the 6.5% needed to finalize a mortgage. And we could do that in a couple of weeks. We could do it. But I began to think that we needed to bring our budget down again. After 2 months without rent money from downstairs, I was feeling like we were struggling. I know it's a tough time of year, and having been off for surgery too, money was tighter than usual, so a lot of it was bad timing. But if we were living paycheck to paycheck now, how would we fare once we needed to add mortgage insurance, property insurance, taxes and anything else that came with owning a house. So down our budget went to $230,000.
Then yesterday happened. We woke up to fresh snow and some strange bike tracks leading up our driveway. Only to find that someone had broke into Nick's car and stole his work tool bag. Not only did we feel completely violated, and not only did Nick lose the tools he needs for his livelihood, but we were now out $1500+. (Avionics tools aren't cheap). The worst part of it is, Nick's been looking for a new job for ages, and put it on hold while we search for a house to make sure we would secure a mortgage, but he intended to leave his company as soon as possible once we moved. So it seems ridiculous to spend so much money on something he will only use for a short period of time. But we don't have much of a choice.
So where does that leave us? Well, we don't have a spare $1500 lying around, not unless we pull from our house money, the house money that was already short $1000. But it also makes me wonder if we need to drop our budget even more. While we (hopefully) won't have stuff stolen from us again, there is always something that comes up, whether it's a car or house repair, or income tax to be paid, or whatever, there will always be something. And you can't survive if you're already paycheck to paycheck with no savings and something comes up. We'll drown. And I'm scared.
Some moments I feel like we really just must not be meant to get a house, not now. I should have gotten that permanent job last June, but I didn't, and buying a house wouldn't have been a problem if I had gotten it. Things would have been better if we still had a tenant, but he left basically unannounced at Christmastime. Now when we are so close, we get this $1500 blow that kicks us again. Maybe the universe is shouting at us not to buy a house.
I don't really know what the other alternative is tho. The house we live in is getting sold sometime in the next few months whether we buy a house or not. It seems ridiculous to rent somewhere, we'll never get ahead, and we have a whole house of stuff. And it feels like we'd be moving backwards, not forwards. I'm afraid to lower our budget much more because we'll end up with a house that's falling apart, and we don't have the money for sudden roof repairs or broken appliances. But I just don't know what to do.
So that brings me back to my original point: do you ever feel like you're meant for something more? Because I really feel like I'm meant for more than this, more than the paycheck to paycheck struggle and a sporadic meaningless job that could potentially lead me nowhere. Part of me feels like I've worked hard, part of me knows I could have worked even harder. Part of me doesn't know what I could have done differently while living over an hour away from the school board I work in. Maybe I should be more willing to drive an hour just to drop off a resume, no matter how often. Maybe I should be more willing to get an evening/weekend job, retail or whatever. Maybe I should introduce myself to more teachers and admin when I'm in a school. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe is right up there with what if.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and that makes it hard. If I was fighting but seeing that it was paying off, one step at a time, then it would be worth it. But I'm not sure what I'm fighting for anymore, because nothing ever seems to work out for us. I worked my ass off for that permanent job and they gave it to someone who didn't even work in the school board. I've worked my ass off over the last 3 weeks to lose weight, and I've already stagnated. We've worked so hard saving money for a house, only to lose the tenant and get hits like robbery and needing a new car.
Why are we still fighting? Are we fighting for the wrong things, and that's why we keep getting thwarted? I don't say this in a depressing, woe-is-me kind of way, I say this because I truly wonder if we are fighting the wrong battles, and that's why we keep losing. But if these dreams of ours are 'wrong', then what? If they're right, then why are we failing so badly?
Why do I keep searching for a meaning to the world when there will probably never be one?
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