Reflecting Now On How Things Could've Been, It Was Worth It In The End

I've been having this strange feeling the last day or so. It's a very new feeling, very unusual for me.

I feel like I am a skinny person trapped in an overweight body.

I am willing to put good money on the fact that I am definitely not the first person to ever have that thought. But here's the weird part: a) I've never had that thought before, and b) I've never been thin before.

I have been dieting, trying to lose weight and praying to be thin probably for 20 years now (and I'm only 30!). I was chubby by the time I hit 3rd grade. I have absolutely NO concept at all about what it's like to be thin, in any way, shape or form. Sure I've been lighter and heavier, but always overweight, never thin and fit. At 183.8 lbs now, I am certainly neither of those things. But I feel like I should be, like I could actually be thin and fit and healthy and attractive.

It started yesterday (that I noticed anyway) when I was doing a Carmen Electra workout DVD. They are fun and can make you sweat, but this one in particular (which if you know the DVDs I'm talking about, you already know I'm talking striptease) requires a lot more flexibility. Obviously with a goal of touching my toes on my list, flexibility is not my forte. Even when I am working on it, there are times when I feel like I could be more flexible, but the size of my body literally gets in the way. Of course a big stomach is going to impede a person from bending over further. So here I am, doing this workout that is suppose to make you feel sexy and confident, and I'm just feeling... limited. And definitely NOT sexy. It wasn't in a depressing, woe-is-me, this sucks kind of way (I said I was going to try not to do that anymore, and I meant it!), it was more pure frustration. I am working so hard at weight loss lately, and although it's going well, it's sometimes hard to handle the wait of getting to where you want to be.

Later on, in the shower, I looked down at my body, and it felt strangely like it belonged to someone else. Which again, weird, because I've always had a ... rounder body, I'm quite used to that. I don't know what a flat stomach and small thighs looks like from my viewpoint. And again it seemed frustrating to have this body that just didn't fit my mentality.

The last thing to confirm my new feeling was a trip out to the bar last night. It was a very similar experience to something I've blogged about before, and actually at the same location, with some of the same people, just a year and half later (and of course nothing seems to have changed). Having been stuck at home all week (exam season, no work for supply teachers), I was ready to go out on the town. I wore a shirt I haven't quite felt comfortable in, since it's a little form fitting, but it's sparkly and pretty and bar-appropriate. I did my hair and makeup all nice, trying to feel pretty. Whenever I go out to a bar (well, bar/pool hall... why does pool hall sound like a dive? It's not though.), I feel so inferior. Bars always attract the pretty girls in their slinky, sexy clothes, making me look/feel even more like the overweight, unattractive blob that I am. Even at my best, all prettied up, I still can't compete with them. It usually just makes me feel worse about myself, and last night was no exception. But yet again, it was more a feeling of frustration. I wanted to be that girl, the one that people stopped to look at, the one that the boys were checking out from across the room (because of course my charming friends were scoping out all the girls in the place), the one who was having fun and being bubbly and desirable. I felt like I should be that girl, I was suppose to be that girl, and yet here I am, stuck being overweight, stuck tugging on my shirt, hoping it's not as unflattering as it feels. Avoiding playing pool because it requires bending over, and while my friends are checking out the girl doing the same at the next table, I know no one across the room is looking at me, at least not in a good way.

A bit of a sidenote... If it wasn't already clear, I'm very happily married. In fact, Nick pointed out several times how hot he thought I looked last night. And I love him all the more dearly for that. I think I want all the attention just to see that I could get it, just to feel what it's like. As I mentioned, I've never been thin, so in my younger bar-hopping days, I was never the girl that the guys checked out. I'm not trying to pick up, I just want to know what it's like to not be invisible. I've never noticed a look of disgust from someone, there's just no looks at all. And I wonder if that's almost worse. It's like I don't exist. And maybe that's it, maybe that's what I want to feel: like I exist in the world. And unfortunately, it seems like to be noticed, by men or women, in any sense of the word, you have to look good.

Maybe it's ridiculously sad that I feel the need to be noticed. Maybe it's truly a grass is always greener thing; just the other day I read a comment from one of the thin pretty girls about how terrible it is to have all that attention, how lewd guys can be, and how inappropriate it can get. But I also just watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother that further showed that the hot girls get noticed, and get looked after, by everyone. (Ok, so she became invisible due to her engagement ring, not due to her size, but it was the same sentiment). And ultimately, I can't help what I feel. Maybe even once I'm thin I won't get noticed. Who knows how I would deal with that. Being thin won't automatically make me pretty too, but I like to think that, besides my weight, I'm decent looking. So I like to hope that there's a chance. I have to have hope that one day I can feel like I am a person that exists in the world.

Again, maybe it's wrong to hinge so much on personal looks. Maybe I'm a terrible person for just exacerbating the situation of people viewing how someone looks as so important. Maybe I'm a terrible role model for wanting all the wrong things. Maybe I'm focusing on something that just shouldn't be important. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a no-win situation. Maybe.

Or maybe I can just take this frustrating feeling and let it keep fueling me to keep at it, to keep eating better and exercising regularly, and becoming a healthy person. Maybe I have to take whatever I can get to keep me on this track to get in shape, to be more fit, to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

Because ultimately, isn't that what it's all about: finally feeling comfortable and happy and confident with who I am?

Perhaps my definition of being comfortable, happy and confident isn't the same as everyone else's, but why should it be? Why do I have to justify to anyone what it will take to make me content? I'm not hurting anybody, so why should I feel guilty for wanting to feel special for a change?