I'll Do What It Takes 'Til I Touch The Sky

I've been really trying hard lately to accomplish my goals, particularly weight-wise. There are several weight-related goals on my list, and I'm not about to get an incomplete because of them. I do feel strong and capable, and I feel like I'm doing it the right way, so success is in my future. I've hit a few speed bumps already, but I get back up much quicker than I used to so that there is not too much damage done. I will lose weight and become thin and fit.

I just can't picture it.

This has always been one of my biggest problems in losing weight. Having always been overweight to some degree, I have absolutely no concept whatsoever on how I might look once thin. No clue. So I've always been trying to find pictures of girls that kinda look like me (but thinner versions obviously!). It's not easy.

Celebrities are useless as realistic role models when it comes to weight. I mean yeah, I want to look hot, and it sucks that most of what we see is these 'famous' people in their size 00, but I know very well that I will never look like that. And some of them, I wouldn't want to look like. And it's tough finding the few that seem reasonable.

Part of the problem is that I just don't have an imaginative brain in the sense that I have to see things to understand them. I am just a visual person. I could never have a house built because I couldn't buy it sight unseen. I could look at floor plans, see the lot, see a model home, nothing would ever have me understand exactly how that house would look. Can't do it. So it really would be helpful if there was such a thing as a thinner version of me, but that's never existed.

I even recruited Nick's tech skills with Photoshop (and whatever other programs he uses) to create a possible image for me. He took one of me and made it look thinner. He really did an amazing job, but maybe knowing that it had been altered made me question it. He took a picture of Alyssa Milano's body and merged my head onto it; again, he did a really great tech job, but it just did not match up quite right, and for some reason my nose looked much bigger that it really is. So again, I just couldn't buy it.

Why is it so hard to visualize something, just because I've never seen it before?

A couple of weeks ago, I made this picture my desktop background:

Now that you officially think it's bizarre that I have a hot girl in a bikini on my desktop... I was hoping it would be motivation. Her body didn't seem to be completely unrealistic, and she was a brunette, and (seemingly) not incredibly tall. So it worked. Sorta.

I tried looking again this morning, and I found that Kelly Clarkson could be a good size model for me, but because she's not "Hollywood perfect", there aren't many full body shots of her.

It's tough doing these Jillian Michaels Body Revolution workouts because the people in the videos are all perfectly sculpted. Perfect abs and arms. And so tiny. I can't aspire to that. I mean it may not even be possible for me.

All I want is to feel good about myself, to feel confident and attractive. But at times it's really hard to imagine what that would feel like, and it's hard to keep fighting for something that you have no idea how it looks.