I'm really struggling lately. I have not been able to stick to healthy eating for more than two straight weeks since before Christmas. It is nothing but a mental game that I just can't seem to get myself to win. I know all the rules, I know all the right things to do. I've been going to Weight Watchers for a year now. And all I have to show is a few pounds. And after the binge that has been this last week, I'm probably down 5 lbs overall since I started last May. And to think, in early December I earned my 25 lbs ring. Yikes.
I really don't know how I am suppose to win this battle. I've been listening to a lot of weight loss podcasts lately (my favourites are Jillian Michaels and Logical Loss) and I really enjoy the information, and I'm almost finished reading Unlimited (also Jillian Michaels). The book promises to address the 'other' stuff; The Biggest Loser shows us the food and exercise, Unlimited is suppose to explore the mental/emotional issues that come with not being able to get the things you want in life (ie health/fitness/being thin). I'm not entirely sure it lives up to that promise; I don't feel any wonderful insight from the trainer, she's not a psychologist after all. An easy and enjoyable read perhaps, but not exactly enlightening. I wish I could find the key to unlocking my insanity that is this addiction to food and self-destruction.
I have eaten a lot over the last week or so. It's been a lengthy binge. We've eaten junk food every day, ate take out several times, hit the convenience store once or twice, and a visit to Baskin Robbins. And I don't even know why. There have been moments, especially in the last day or so, where I don't even know why I'm eating. I'm not hungry anymore, and I'm not even enjoying the taste of the food that much. I truly knew that I was eating solely to be self-destructive, and yet I continue to do it, and have for the last few days. Why can I not break that cycle? Why do I insist on this destruction? Why can I not let myself succeed?
I'm about ready to quit Weight Watchers. I love going to meetings, I love my leader, and I love the support system that is there, but I can't justify spending $50 a month while I fail to lose weight. I decided, on my husbands suggestion, to revert to their old Points program, since it seemed to work better for me than the new one has. I will give that a try for a few weeks, but if I continue in this hamster-in-the-wheel weight loss that I've been in for the last 5 months, I will have to cancel my membership. That's $50 we can use elsewhere. It makes me sad to think of leaving, I really wanted to get to lifetime membership and reach my goal weight, but it doesn't make financial sense no matter how much I like it. Whether it's the program that isn't working for me, or me that's not working for the program, it's not money well spent anymore. I hope the possibility of having to say goodbye will encourage me to try harder, but I feel like in the back of mind, I know I'm ready to throw in the towel all together on this weight loss journey. And yet I also know that I will continue to battle with myself, never happy with how I look and feel yet unable to do anything about it. Whether it's counting calories or counting points, or joining yet another gym in hopes of using it more often, I just can't seem to accept myself how I am. And maybe I will never lose weight until I can do that, but I can I accept something that makes me unhappy pretty much every minute of every day?
I hate constantly tugging at my shirts. I hate sitting cross legged and feeling like my legs stick out because there's so much fat in the way. I hate having a belly that sticks out. I hate feeling unfashionable. I hate feeling frumpy. I hate disappointing myself over and over again every time I try to lose weight. I hate feeling negative about who I am!
I've officially had enough of my little pity party here tonight, so my goal for tomorrow is to make a different list. I will make a list of the good things, the happy things, the things to be proud of right now, at this weight, in this moment. Stay tuned.
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