Is There Anyone Out There Cause It's Getting Harder And Harder To Breathe

My weight continues to creep up. It's sad, it's pathetic. I just don't understand. Well, obviously I understand why the number on the scale is going up; I'm not stupid and I know how much I'm eating, so the extra pounds aren't shocking. What I don't understand is how I can want something SO bad, and yet throw it all away for ice cream and donuts and chocolate. And repeat every single day.

Ok, maybe not every day, but enough that the balance is tipping in the wrong direction.

I don't know what to do. I've known all the right answers for years, and yet I'm still here. I know what to do, but my constant problem is actually doing it. I destroy myself along the way. I don't let myself have willpower, I don't let myself stay strong. I'm pretty sure I've written these exact words hundreds of times. It's a desperate circle.

This morning I noticed another change in my body, and not for the better. I already noticed a bulge in my upper thighs a couple of months ago, but today I noticed that my upper arm now bulges out beyond my elbow when I straighten my arms. These aren't exactly attractive new features.

You would think that these new and unappealing changes would be huge catalysts to get me to lose the weight. Yesterday I saw 204 lbs on the scale. It's devastating. I thought I would never let myself get over 200, but I pretty much have been all summer, really since we moved. Clothes don't fit, I feel uncomfortable, like I'm covered in never-ending rolls (I practically am). I feel like a balloon animal at the joints.

The funny thing is, I've still been exercising throughout the summer. I certainly wouldn't say consistently, but often enough. Even that doesn't encourage me to stick to better eating. Nothing does...

So as always, I don't know where to go from here. I want ice cream every night, but I don't want to weigh 200 lbs either. So far, ice cream keeps winning. And I don't know how to change that. I'm so frustrated, but for whatever reason, I apparently not willing to change.

I feel like I keep waiting for rock bottom, almost encouraging it, but nothing is ever low enough. Like that quote, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom", I seem to be waiting for it to be painful enough, but it never seems to happen, so I am doomed to get fatter and never flower. Isn't this painful enough? Isn't the self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, tight clothing, unflattering silhouette, uncomfortable body movements, sometimes having a tough time squeezing into small bathroom stalls, out of breath after a short flight of stairs, thighs rubbing, shirts that don't fit my wide arms, stomach rolls, feeling completely unsexy, feeling literally heavy, sore knees, tight calves, weak biceps, bloated tummy, sugar headaches, lack of flexibility or coordination.... the list goes on... isn't all that enough?? What more do I need?

Why can't I just make the commitment to myself to do it, and stick with it? I guess that's really what it boils down to, and that has nothing to do with food, exercise or the scale...