Lonely As I Am Together We Cry

I feel like I have an ocean of things to say, and yet I have extreme writer's block. So I guess without all the fancy talk, here are the facts:

• I currently weigh 202.4 lbs. It's an improvement from the 207.8 I saw not too long ago, but it's still horrible.
• after a VERY long talk with Nick, I feel better and yet even more confused about where to go from here; tired of re-starting, tired of failing, tired of giving up, tired of giving in, yet not wanting to give up. It's exhausting
• I feel like I'm at a standstill. I don't have the resources to beat this thing (at this point, I think I need to see someone), and I don't have the money for any kind of therapy. So I can't do it alone, but I can't get to the help I need right now either, so what do I do for now? I'm in a holding pattern until that mystical day when I have medical coverage that might cover a psychiatrist/therapist visit, or at least a paycheck that can afford it. But until then... what am I suppose to do? Be frustrated every single day? Just hope for the best? 
• I hate seemingly knowing all the right answers to weight loss and yet not being able to follow through with actual action. How can you know how to do something and yet not be able to do it?
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to food.
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to making decisions about food. (and yes, I see those as two different things)
• School is going great, but it is VERY busy, so I am very overwhelmed, very stressed, and constantly thinking about work. Any time I get to relax, I feel like I should be doing something else, so it's not entirely relaxing and rejuvenating. Since school started, my dreams have been either work-related or they carry the same busy/stressed feeling so despite solid nights of sleep, I wake up feeling like I just put in another exhausting day overnight.
• I don't know how to stop feeling like I am just treading water.
• I feel like I know what my issues are, what old childhood problems started this whole mess of low self-esteem, and yet I can't seem to get past them.
• Will anything I do ever feel good enough? What is 'good enough'?
• Why do I torture myself? Why do I drag this out? Why can't I let myself believe that I actually do deserve to beat this?

Anyway, that doesn't seem to even scratch the surface of what's running through my head lately. But after a jar of Nutella in the last 24 hours and a few Drumsticks too many, plus a plate of nachos I certainly didn't need, I felt the need to get something off my chest. I'm also hoping I can find some small fraction of time each day to write, in hopes of turning to the keyboard instead of the fridge.