I'm fighting today. I am trying really hard to write instead of giving in to a craving.
I'm fine through most of the day, but when school is done, the food thoughts start to creep in. It didn't help that someone in the workroom had a burger after 4th period, the smell completely permeated the room, and all I could think about was food.
I had a pit stop to make on the way home, so I started thinking about what food places where nearby, wondering what could I stop and get. I realized (and not necessarily for the first time either) that whenever I go out somewhere, I associate it with getting food. It doesn't matter what the errand is, or where it takes me, I figure I should get a snack/treat while I'm out. I don't really know where that habit originated from, but it's a deep one now. And not a good one. It's a good thing I don't shop often, and try to get as much done in one go as I can.
Even as I drive, I'm taken by the slightest suggestion; there's a pizza commercial on the radio, guess what I want for dinner now. I start picturing my fridge and cupboards, debating on whether I stop to get something, maybe just at the grocery store. Taking a certain route home gives me different options, so I start picturing the bakery and what treats they might have today. (This descriptive narration is not helping at the moment...)
I did start to wonder if maybe I haven't eaten enough throughout the day; once I tallied, I realized I have probably eaten about 600 calories, less than even half of what I probably should eat in a day, and it's no wonder I'm hungry.
I managed to fight (almost literally) my way out of the kitchen with just a stick of gum, to at least get myself up to the computer. But I don't know if this is helping or just making me dream about what I would rather be doing in this moment.
Which we all know is eat.
However, I'm currently NOT eating, so I guess in that regard it's a win. But I am eventually going to have to move on and stop writing and do other things, then what? Do I just have to hope that by then the craving will be gone? And if this does work, what about next time, if there is no chance to intervene with a blog post?
And even if I managed to fight it off this time, in the scheme of things, I'm still going to eat 1000s of calories next time, so does it really matter? Does any of all this effort really matter? Because it feels like I have been fighting this forever, and I've basically gained 50 lbs over the last 10 years (roughly), so I'm not exactly headed in the right direction overall.
Nick thinks I am doomed to continue like this until I fix the emotional issues that are attached with my overeating. I agree with him entirely; the problem is, I have no idea how to fix it. (Well, other than therapy, which I mentioned yesterday isn't in the financial cards right now, so what other option do I have?)
All of this is just making me feel worse, for having screwed up so much in the past, for having so far to go when I look forward. I think of the progress I've made times before, and it seems so far away, and I worked so hard for it, yet I've just completely destroyed it. And yet that thought doesn't making eating right now seem any less appealing.
Food is my comfort, and I need that comfort right now, so it seems counter-intuitive to be running away from the thing that is going to make you feel better. But I have to think long-term, and hope that being miserable now (yes, not eating makes me miserable) makes me happy later. Seems like counting on something that may never happen. Although I guess that's what I've been doing for years anyway. I could have spent a year, not overeating, and I would be happy now, as opposed to spending the last 15 years fighting this, rather unsuccessfully.
And yet still, I'm not terribly motivated to get it right this time! It makes no sense! If it's making me feel this frustrated, this upset, this worthless, this desperate, why is all that not enough?? Why do I not want to change this, make it better? Why is 60 seconds of (albeit delicious) food worth the agony I go through on a daily basis?
Ok, I'm done. I feel like I'm going in useless circles. I think I'm ok as long as I stay upstairs, but as soon as I go downstairs to make dinner, who knows. I have to stop at the grocery store later, will I be able to resist buying something? I don't know. Why couldn't I be addicted to alcohol instead of food? At least alcohol you can completely eliminate, food I have to have, at least to some extent. Ok, I don't really wish I was an alcoholic, but this sucks. That's all I know right now.
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