Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You

I always love looking for the Big Dipper, and when possible Orion's Belt. It just seems so neat to be able to see things in the night sky. I remember doing a speech on astrological signs in elementary school; I was mostly intrigued by the stars, not so much the predictions that supposedly come with it.

I found several books at the library, and our first venture out was somewhat successful but took a lot of effort. Despite being late May, it was freezing (we had winter jackets on!) and although the book I had with us was fantastic, it still wasn't terribly easy to locate certain stars. that night we managed to find two constellations, Leo and Bootes.

For a while, the weather wasn't terribly cooperative for clear skies, plus that first night the moon was full and bright. I eventually downloaded Google Sky Map, and it is an amazing app. Wherever you aim your phone, it shows you the sky, including constellations and planets. It was so incredibly easy to use, and once we got down to the water, we were quickly finding tons of constellations in the sky.

I absolutely loved being able to find them again and again as I looked up. It feels pretty cool to look up and connect to something so massive in the universe.

Tell Me Why, Or Do You Know, How Stars Can Fall From Above

I'm fighting today. I am trying really hard to write instead of giving in to a craving.

I'm fine through most of the day, but when school is done, the food thoughts start to creep in. It didn't help that someone in the workroom had a burger after 4th period, the smell completely permeated the room, and all I could think about was food.

I had a pit stop to make on the way home, so I started thinking about what food places where nearby, wondering what could I stop and get. I realized (and not necessarily for the first time either) that whenever I go out somewhere, I associate it with getting food. It doesn't matter what the errand is, or where it takes me, I figure I should get a snack/treat while I'm out. I don't really know where that habit originated from, but it's a deep one now. And not a good one. It's a good thing I don't shop often, and try to get as much done in one go as I can.

Even as I drive, I'm taken by the slightest suggestion; there's a pizza commercial on the radio, guess what I want for dinner now. I start picturing my fridge and cupboards, debating on whether I stop to get something, maybe just at the grocery store. Taking a certain route home gives me different options, so I start picturing the bakery and what treats they might have today. (This descriptive narration is not helping at the moment...)

I did start to wonder if maybe I haven't eaten enough throughout the day; once I tallied, I realized I have probably eaten about 600 calories, less than even half of what I probably should eat in a day, and it's no wonder I'm hungry.

I managed to fight (almost literally) my way out of the kitchen with just a stick of gum, to at least get myself up to the computer. But I don't know if this is helping or just making me dream about what I would rather be doing in this moment.

Which we all know is eat.

However, I'm currently NOT eating, so I guess in that regard it's a win. But I am eventually going to have to move on and stop writing and do other things, then what? Do I just have to hope that by then the craving will be gone? And if this does work, what about next time, if there is no chance to intervene with a blog post?

And even if I managed to fight it off this time, in the scheme of things, I'm still going to eat 1000s of calories next time, so does it really matter? Does any of all this effort really matter? Because it feels like I have been fighting this forever, and I've basically gained 50 lbs over the last 10 years (roughly), so I'm not exactly headed in the right direction overall.

Nick thinks I am doomed to continue like this until I fix the emotional issues that are attached with my overeating. I agree with him entirely; the problem is, I have no idea how to fix it. (Well, other than therapy, which I mentioned yesterday isn't in the financial cards right now, so what other option do I have?)

All of this is just making me feel worse, for having screwed up so much in the past, for having so far to go when I look forward. I think of the progress I've made times before, and it seems so far away, and I worked so hard for it, yet I've just completely destroyed it. And yet that thought doesn't making eating right now seem any less appealing.

Food is my comfort, and I need that comfort right now, so it seems counter-intuitive to be running away from the thing that is going to make you feel better. But I have to think long-term, and hope that being miserable now (yes, not eating makes me miserable) makes me happy later. Seems like counting on something that may never happen. Although I guess that's what I've been doing for years anyway. I could have spent a year, not overeating, and I would be happy now, as opposed to spending the last 15 years fighting this, rather unsuccessfully.

And yet still, I'm not terribly motivated to get it right this time! It makes no sense! If it's making me feel this frustrated, this upset, this worthless, this desperate, why is all that not enough?? Why do I not want to change this, make it better? Why is 60 seconds of (albeit delicious) food worth the agony I go through on a daily basis?

Ok, I'm done. I feel like I'm going in useless circles. I think I'm ok as long as I stay upstairs, but as soon as I go downstairs to make dinner, who knows. I have to stop at the grocery store later, will I be able to resist buying something? I don't know. Why couldn't I be addicted to alcohol instead of food? At least alcohol you can completely eliminate, food I have to have, at least to some extent. Ok, I don't really wish I was an alcoholic, but this sucks. That's all I know right now.

Lonely As I Am Together We Cry

I feel like I have an ocean of things to say, and yet I have extreme writer's block. So I guess without all the fancy talk, here are the facts:

• I currently weigh 202.4 lbs. It's an improvement from the 207.8 I saw not too long ago, but it's still horrible.
• after a VERY long talk with Nick, I feel better and yet even more confused about where to go from here; tired of re-starting, tired of failing, tired of giving up, tired of giving in, yet not wanting to give up. It's exhausting
• I feel like I'm at a standstill. I don't have the resources to beat this thing (at this point, I think I need to see someone), and I don't have the money for any kind of therapy. So I can't do it alone, but I can't get to the help I need right now either, so what do I do for now? I'm in a holding pattern until that mystical day when I have medical coverage that might cover a psychiatrist/therapist visit, or at least a paycheck that can afford it. But until then... what am I suppose to do? Be frustrated every single day? Just hope for the best? 
• I hate seemingly knowing all the right answers to weight loss and yet not being able to follow through with actual action. How can you know how to do something and yet not be able to do it?
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to food.
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to making decisions about food. (and yes, I see those as two different things)
• School is going great, but it is VERY busy, so I am very overwhelmed, very stressed, and constantly thinking about work. Any time I get to relax, I feel like I should be doing something else, so it's not entirely relaxing and rejuvenating. Since school started, my dreams have been either work-related or they carry the same busy/stressed feeling so despite solid nights of sleep, I wake up feeling like I just put in another exhausting day overnight.
• I don't know how to stop feeling like I am just treading water.
• I feel like I know what my issues are, what old childhood problems started this whole mess of low self-esteem, and yet I can't seem to get past them.
• Will anything I do ever feel good enough? What is 'good enough'?
• Why do I torture myself? Why do I drag this out? Why can't I let myself believe that I actually do deserve to beat this?

Anyway, that doesn't seem to even scratch the surface of what's running through my head lately. But after a jar of Nutella in the last 24 hours and a few Drumsticks too many, plus a plate of nachos I certainly didn't need, I felt the need to get something off my chest. I'm also hoping I can find some small fraction of time each day to write, in hopes of turning to the keyboard instead of the fridge.

I Can Only Imagine What My Eyes Will See

I'm nervous.

Tomorrow is my first day at a new school.

Today I started getting myself back on track and off the binge.

I feel like I'm stepping through a door with very little idea of what's on the other side, but for some reason I have hope.

I feel like I will be crossing the threshold, stepping over the line between past mistakes and wrongs, and future promises and success.

Maybe I'll get it right this time.

My Eyes Will Do The Same, Every Day It Will Rain

Everyone knows that the book is always better than the movie. Always. Sometimes the movie does a pretty good job, but who are we kidding? The book wins every time. Some examples... the first couple of Harry Potter movies are very true to the books, good job. The movie Sundays At Tiffany's is a cute Christmas movie; the book happens in spring. Totally bizarre. (Also sucks when you saw the movie first, thought you were picking a Christmas book for your December book club, and it ends up as it did. Not that that happened.)

Out of this goal, Nick also gave me the suggestion to watch movies first more often, since after a spectacular book, the movie is most of the time a letdown. That way, so he says, you can enjoy the movie (rather than criticize every mistake) and then later enjoy the book even more. We'll see. I'm aiming to try that tactic with The Hunger Games; I've seen the movie, so we'll see how the book is. Once I finish this goal list of course.

Most of my combos, the movies did fairly well. Sometimes I wished they had picked different actors (*cough*Twilight*cough*), and sometimes I was really confused about the changes they made (The Lightning Thief had many; I cursed a lot during that one. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, they changed siblings to step-siblings, no idea why). But overall, I wasn't too upset at any of the movie interpretations. But man what I wouldn't give to be able to do my own.

We'll All Meet Back At The Local Saloon

When I was about 12, I went to a summer day camp at a horse farm. We got to ride every day, and my horse for the week was beautiful, black with a white diamond on her nose, and her name was Tasha. Not only did I discover I was allergic to horses that week, I also found out that I loved them.

For the most part, I haven't been on a horse since. Part of my dream honeymoon included horseback riding on the beach, but that wasn't really an option at our Varadero resort, or anywhere nearby. The best I got was a short trail ride in the woods on what looked more like a sad cross between a donkey and a pony.

I was excited to ride again. It was a bit costly, but I found a package deal with the ropes course that had the ziplining, so it wasn't so bad.

Because there was only two of us and the guide, we got much longer than the 45 minutes we paid for, almost twice as long. The trail was beautiful, I had a very nice horse that was just the perfect balance of following the others while still doing what I asked. I was definitely getting a little sore by the last half hour or so, so I was ready to be done in that aspect, but it was so nice to just get out and ride. The two other ladies were nice, we chatted most of the way, although I did plenty of listening as usual. I didn't mind, I was just enjoying the time with the horse.

It's an expensive hobby (sport?), and I hope someday I can afford to go more often, because it's almost the perfect combination of time with an animal while being outdoors. Love it.

It Flew Away From Her Reach So She Ran Away In Her Sleep

I'm not gonna lie; ziplining was not the carefree adventure I was hoping it would be.

It took a while to find a decent place, although it has certainly become more popular in the last year or so. There are now several parks in Ontario, plus it's available at a water park too. When I first picked the goal, I think there was one, and I actually was hoping to go in New Brunswick while we visited Nick's sister two summers ago. But it turns out there is one 15 minutes from us, so that's where we ended up.

Like most of them, it was part of a ropes course. Cables and obstacles from tree to tree, way up in the air. I don't have a fear of heights, but I do have a fear of falling (and yes, there is a difference. I love being high up, I don't love the sensation of losing balance/control and falling).

We were strapped in securely into a harness, and we were always attached by at least one carabiner. But the obstacles were challenging. Some were just like walking a tightrope, others you had to navigate over wobbly logs, at one point we had to climb a dangling wall with a porcupine stencil as foot and hand grips. With the first course done, I had discovered that I did not have decent upper arm strength (ok, that wasn't new information), that some things are easier the taller you are (ok, again, nothing new), and that ziplining maybe wasn't really all that fun (ok, that part was new). Even though I was trying to do what we were told, I couldn't seem to steer properly, and the first zip, I hit the tree sideways and scratched up my arm a little. The problem was, I didn't know what I was doing wrong, so I didn't know how to fix it.

After the first course, part of me wanted to be done. It was scary than I expected. Actually, I hadn't expected it to be scary at all, but it was taking a lot of mental/emotional strength for me to get through it. It was physically hard, and I felt embarrassed that the big girl couldn't handle it. I did it of course, and I'm sure no one thought twice about me, but it was nerve-wrecking. But I'm stubborn and don't give up that easily, so I headed on to the next course. Where it all fell apart.

The obstacles were harder. Although I knew if I fell, it wouldn't be far, all I could think about was the humiliation and the pain of the harness yanking on me, plus the difficulty of having to pull myself back onto the course. I knew I wouldn't be the first, but I didn't want to be the catch of the day either. If staff had to come rescue you, you were grounded for good, no second chance.

The cables dug into my arms. I developed bruises on my upper arms and around my armpits from where the cables rubbed against me. And then came the next zip. I tried yet again to steer with no luck; I was heading into the platform completely backwards. I couldn't see the girl (staff) trying to hand me the rope, although I could hear her telling me to grab it. I reached around and slammed calf first into the platform. Not good. I also missed the rope, so I zipped back towards the middle of the cable. Once I stopped, I had to work my hand over hand back to the platform. Embarrassing, and physically challenging. I already was feeling lousy about myself, and it only got worse. The girl was rude with me, like it ruined her day because I missed the rope. I asked her what I was doing wrong, and all she could say was that made I wasn't doing it right. Well obviously. I was trying to do what they showed us in orientation, and it didn't seem to be working.

The course continued. The obstacles got tougher. I watched a 9 year old and his dad fly through the course no problem. I got shakier and more agitated. I did not like it at all. I was just about ready to call it quits after this second course, but there was still 3 more and I do not let myself give up easily.

Then we came to the third to last obstacle of the course. You had to reach out and grab a rope and swing yourself across to the next platform. For the first time, my feet would not be on a cable or log, I had to jump. Like Tarzan. Or George of the Jungle. Nick went first and threw the rope back to me (I couldn't even reach it otherwise). It took some deep breaths but eventually I jumped. I didn't make it.

I dangled between the two platforms. I tried to give myself momentum to swing back, but my carabiners were stuck on the cable and wouldn't let me swing further. I had to let go of the rope, so I flopped down, held on by two carabiners and my harness. I tried to reach either platform with my feet to kick off, but they were slightly above my legs, and I couldn't reach. I was embarrassed and humiliated and everything I didn't want to happen had happened. Two girls behind me were trying to give me suggestions (they were quite nice actually) and Nick was doing everything he could to reach out and pull me up. I kept trying to swing one way or the other, but there was too much weight on the carabiners, and they wouldn't budge. I finally got them to move enough so that I was closer to Nick's side (I didn't care that I was technically closer to the stating platform; I wasn't about to do that again). But even with him trying to help, I was hanging so much lower than the platform that it was difficult to get my feet on it and pull myself up. By this point, a staff member was working their way over to me; it couldn't get any worse. Just as she got to the platform, Nick pulled me up. It was everything I had not to burst into tears. I hurt in every way; physically and emotionally.

It probably was all of 1 minute, maybe two, but it felt like forever. Unless you've ever been the fat girl in an awkward situation, you probably don't understand. Perhaps I perpetuated it all, by fearing it so much, I may have subconsciously willed it to happen, the whole self-fulfilling prophecy and all. Either way, I scrambled my way through the last two obstacles (thankfully not too bad of ones), and was very happy to be back on the ground. And very happy to never climb up again. (Ok, maybe not never, but I was certainly done for the day).

With an ice pack on my massively swollen and bruised calf (it's been 18 days and I still can't cross my legs; the black and yellow has faded, but the road rash is still there, and I can't lean on it in any way), Nick finished the last two challenging courses; I did not mind sitting them out one bit.

The day was not a success for me. I tried to conquer a fear, but I think it beat me. I fear physical pain too much, but then add in the embarrassment factor, and it was just way too much for me. I don't even know if it's something I want to attempt to conquer in the future; I may be content just letting it go.