Even The Sun Sets In Paradise

*insert heavy sigh here*


I fared well throughout the day today, then came home late, skipped my run and went right for the large portion of mac n cheese, and the rest of my chocolate stash. At least it's all gone.

Maybe now that there is no more trigger food in the house, I will fare better tomorrow?

I just wish I knew what makes that little switch in my brain go off that says throw all logic out the window and start pigging out. When I look back on the last 2 hours, I feel like I was in a trance of sorts, pure mindless eating. But when I'm in the midst of it, it's like I'm a zombie and there's no getting out of it. And when it starts, as soon as there's the slightest inkling of a thought of over-eating, it's like it has been carved in stone and it must be done, even if I don't really want to and it was just a fleeting thought. The problem is, because it's such a habit now, those fleeting thoughts come often. It's like I see/smell/think of food, and I think "hey, here's a chance for me to overeat". And even if I truly had no desire to actually do that, because the thought flitted through my brain, it's now going to happen. Trance starts now. And my head is only clear when all the food is gone.

I know the long list of things to do when the urge to overeat comes along; go for a walk, phone a friend, drink a glass of water, distract yourself somehow. But as soon as that urge hits, the part of my brain that knows to think about those things always seems to have taken a lunch break. And nothing but eating is even remotely appealing anyway. So how do I make myself think logically when I'm in a completely illogical frame of mind? If only I could plead insanity against the scale...

Dare You To Move, Dare You To Lift Yourself Up Off The Floor

Another unsuccessful moment. I fared well all day only to come home and eat way too much chocolate. I don't know why I do this to myself. But I can only tell myself I am on a learning journey and to keep working at it. I am not letting these slips turn into a day written off, I keep on track otherwise and pick myself right back up again, so that's good.

Today was the last day of my 4 week strip tease class. It was a lot of fun, but now I can focus more specifically on getting fit and getting my runs in. Only 24 days until my 5km run! First race of the season. I thought I was improving on my pace, but yesterday's run was really slow. I suppose if I got some weight off me, it would be easier to run! I can't seem to get myself on a decent streak of good eating.

Suprisingly I have avoided the scale since Tuesday's official weigh-in; that's saying a lot for me! But I want to switch to weekly weighing, not my obsessive daily panic attacks (ok, not literally). Maybe if I get 4 perfect food days in, from tomorrow until Monday, Tuesday morning will still bring in a nice loss on the scale. Here's hoping.

Starships Are Meant To Fly

Today wasn't a total success, sadly.

I'm doing an after-school numeracy program twice a week, and the food school provides treats for the kids. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and today a brownie/chocolate chip cookie/fruit/chocolate pudding parfait. I didn't fare to well. The best I can say is that I improved from what I ate after Monday's class, so here's hoping the next class will be another improvement. Then I will be on the right track. (Monday was stupid; two of the richest, gooiest brownies I have ever had, plus about 4 cookies. Not good. You know the size of those high school cafeteria cookies. Today was the parfait and 2 cookies. So definitely not good, but I think better).

That wasn't exactly the best performance for Day 2, but I did still manage to get home and go for a 3.2 km run and make a very healthy dinner where I cut some of the portion sizes to balance at least a little bit the disaster of the afternoon. So maybe I can chalk it all up to a learning experience and try to do better next Monday with the treats in front of me.

There's a reason why I don't buy that stuff and keep it in the house! That is truly my biggest hurdle; dealing with situations with food that are out of my control. If it's in front of me, I will eat it. I plan healthy meals and don't keep junk in the house so I can't eat it. I need to fix that though because life is full of food situations I cannot control.

I Heard You Were A Wild One

I almost don't want to say anything. I don't want to jinx anything, and I don't want to say "I'm starting fresh" again for the millionth time.

All I will say is that I found the X-Weighted website, watched a few episodes, and reminded myself that losing the weight is not just one but several of my goals on my list, and I don't dare not complete that list.

Day 1 was a success.

I Am Everything You Want, I Am Everything You Need, I Am Everything Inside Of You That You Wish You Could Be

Let's talk about my weight, since that's truly why I first started this blogging adventure.

Right now, it's horrific. I continue to binge and I continue to gain, so much so that I currently sit at 183 lbs. Blech-yuck. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, my clothes don't fit, and I'm disappointed in myself that just 5 months ago, I was 17 lbs lighter. That's awful! I'm going in the completely wrong direction!

I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's like somewhere my brain has decided that weight loss is just not for me, so no matter how hard I try, my unconscious brain is going to sabotage myself. I will do everything right for a while, but then something makes me fall away from healthy choices. And then it becomes a downwards spiral.

I had high hopes of going to my sister-in-laws wedding looking fantastic, since she saw me last summer at 184 lbs. Well, just 1 lbs away from that now, I'm not about to look too fantastic. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I do this??

I'm just so frustrated that I lack self control, and it's so stupid, because all I have to do is just do it, and that would fix that problem. I'm the only that can decide how this goes, and I keep messing it up, which makes me upset. Why would I do things that I know are going to make me upset?? It makes no sense at all.

I've run out of ideas. I've tried every tactic, every reward system, every kind of meal planning, every kind of incentive. I tried counting points, counting calories, not counting anything, not eliminating anything. I'm out. I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy to fight a losing battle. So I'm completely stuck. I hate being overweight, but I hate the exasperation I feel when I try to lose weight. I can't win no matter what direction I take. And while I'm in this limbo, I end up just gaining even more weight.

Not to pump Nike, but if my tag line became "Just do it", and I actually followed through on that, there might be hope for me. But for some reason I won't let myself be capable of that. For some reason, I want to fail at this. I find that bizarre, because my career world is so precarious and out of my control right now, wouldn't I want to have something that I actually can 100% control? But then that's where I get into trouble; there are invariable (food) situations in life that I can't control. I make the best choice I feel that I can, but then it ends up being not good enough, and I feel like all is for naught. Or I feel like I deserve a little bit of an indulgence, and I pay a scale price that does not seem on par, and get frustrated all over again.

I need to let the little things stop bothering me. If a celebration happens and I indulge a bit, so be it, things go back to normal right afterwards, not 3 weeks afterwards. If I work my butt off in every way and don't see results on the scale or in the way my clothes fit, I need to keep on pushing. And these things are so hard for me to do.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what else I can pull out to motivate me to do this. I have pictures and quotes everywhere, I have smaller clothing I want to fit in that I look at regularly. I have races to run that I know will be easier if I have less weight on me. I have a husband that wants to carry me over the threshold of our new house next year; he's going to really want me to have less weight on me! (and no, I know he doesn't think like that, that one was all me). I want to have kids someday that I need to be healthy for. I have all the motivation and reminders in the world, and yet I still can't do it. And I don't know what it's going to take to get me there, because I've been here before, I've been this exasperated, this frustrated. And clearly nothing changed.

I feel like I am at one hell of an impasse...

Pretty Pretty Please Don't You Ever Ever Feel Like You're Less Than Perfect

I'm quite clearly a slacker!

Life has been busy, between work, running training and all the million things I take on. And I really just haven't been in the mood to write. But I am so far behind on blogging about my accomplished goals that I'm going to have to re-do some of them! For example, last September we did not eat out at all. Goal accomplished! But I have no idea what to write about since it was so long ago, and I neglected to take a picture. I figure I will just have to do it again (Darn.) Failure to take a picture and blog about it would mean failure to complete another goal, and I just can't have that.

I will be getting caught up hopefully soon, because I have about 20 goals finished so far. I'm starting to get nervous as the one year mark approaches; I feel like there is so much going on in my life on a regular basis, what if I don't get them all done?? But I am training for the toughest of them all, the half marathon. It comes up in October, and although that seems far away to a degree, 21 km does NOT. Wish me luck!

I Might Get Your Heart Racing In My Skin-Tight Jeans, Be Your Teenage Dream Tonight

Last night I was lucky/unlucky enough to have a bit of a lightbulb moment that may provide a bit of clarity as to why I self-sabotage and fight against myself in losing weight.

I attended my first high school dance as a teacher last night. I loved them when I was in high school; I love to dance, and of course there was always the teenage drama about who was going with who, wondering if the boy you liked would ask you to dance, hoping they would play your current favourite song. But it was a whole different ball game standing there as a chaperone.

I was on coat check with a fellow teacher, and we happened to be across from the girls washroom, so there was a fair bit of traffic in our area. We begin to notice a trend in the clothing; extremely short, tight skirts, plenty of cleavage, see-through shirts and stilettos. We were a bit appalled at first at some of the inappropriate outfits, but eventually giggled because with most girls it was quite apparent how uncomfortable they were in those shoes, and constantly yanking at their hemlines.

But of course I felt a twinge of jealousy; I was overweight all through high school - I never had that kind of body, so obviously never wore those kind of clothes and never got the kind of attention I know those girls did last night. I'm not saying I wish I had've paraded around like jailbait, just that I wish I could have felt confident and attractive (and yes, I realize most teenage girls are certainly not actually self-confident, no matter what they look like).

The other teacher commented "Well, I guess they should enjoy looking like that while they do, because they won't always have a body like that".

Very true. But that simple and obvious comment made me truly realize something I have avoided addressing within my mind. When I do lose the weight and am feeling confident and attractive, I don't get to do high school over again. I'll be 30 years old, and tight mini-skirts and see-through lace shirts just don't seem right, no matter how rockin' my body might be. I will never get to experience being young and hot, that's just a fact. No, I don't think 30 is old, but it's not 18.

I guess I feel like I've lost the opportunity to experience something. I'll never get to be the girl that guys flock to or want to buy drinks for at the bar. I'll never get to confidently go out and enjoy all the perks that come with being young and single. I don't really know what it's like to confidently flirt. And even as I type this, it seems stupid, seems trivial and shallow. I'm very happily married and enjoy every part of my life, why would I even have the need to experience all those things anyway? But I've never felt good about myself in my own skin. And I just want to have all those little goofy experiences that validate how you look, because I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like to have someone look at you like that. And believe me, I know I shouldn't rely on how other people treat me to validate my self-worth (and all that other mumbo jumbo). Knowing that doesn't change how I feel tho.

I distinctly remember what it was like to be the chubby girl in elementary school, high school, and at university. I very clearly remember what it was like to be the sidekick to the popular girl, the girl whose name nobody could remember. I remember having crushes, only to find out of course they would never like someone like me (which of course may or may not have had anything to do with my weight, but that's how I internalized it). I remember feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, embarassed at the size I had to wear, ashamed that my mom couldn't find jeans that fit me so I was dubbed the "Track Pant Queen". I have thousands of very clear memories of the feelings I had (and still have) that went along with being overweight. And they will never go away or be replaced.

I know that when I am fit and happy with my body, I will have many great experiences that I have never had that will help me feel good about myself. I don't think for one second that these old memories will stop me from enjoying a thin and attractive body.

But there's the fear... what if it's just not good enough? What if carrying this weight for so long has denied me of living, and there is nothing that will ever make up for that lost time? What if I lose the weight and still don't feel good about myself? What if I do get the attention that I seem to think I want, and wish I didn't? What if I always resent myself for letting myself be overweight during a time in my life that it would have been much better to be thin and attractive? What if I always feel like I've missed some important experience of being a teenager?

What if losing the weight doesn't actually solve anything?

I know that's a common mistake, to think that losing weight will make your entire life better. But as far as I see it, the rest of my life IS better, my body is what I'm unhappy with. But what if the things I think are associated with my size, actually aren't?

Then what?.....