I Am Everything You Want, I Am Everything You Need, I Am Everything Inside Of You That You Wish You Could Be

Let's talk about my weight, since that's truly why I first started this blogging adventure.

Right now, it's horrific. I continue to binge and I continue to gain, so much so that I currently sit at 183 lbs. Blech-yuck. I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, my clothes don't fit, and I'm disappointed in myself that just 5 months ago, I was 17 lbs lighter. That's awful! I'm going in the completely wrong direction!

I don't know what to say about it anymore. It's like somewhere my brain has decided that weight loss is just not for me, so no matter how hard I try, my unconscious brain is going to sabotage myself. I will do everything right for a while, but then something makes me fall away from healthy choices. And then it becomes a downwards spiral.

I had high hopes of going to my sister-in-laws wedding looking fantastic, since she saw me last summer at 184 lbs. Well, just 1 lbs away from that now, I'm not about to look too fantastic. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I do this??

I'm just so frustrated that I lack self control, and it's so stupid, because all I have to do is just do it, and that would fix that problem. I'm the only that can decide how this goes, and I keep messing it up, which makes me upset. Why would I do things that I know are going to make me upset?? It makes no sense at all.

I've run out of ideas. I've tried every tactic, every reward system, every kind of meal planning, every kind of incentive. I tried counting points, counting calories, not counting anything, not eliminating anything. I'm out. I'm out of ideas, and I'm out of energy to fight a losing battle. So I'm completely stuck. I hate being overweight, but I hate the exasperation I feel when I try to lose weight. I can't win no matter what direction I take. And while I'm in this limbo, I end up just gaining even more weight.

Not to pump Nike, but if my tag line became "Just do it", and I actually followed through on that, there might be hope for me. But for some reason I won't let myself be capable of that. For some reason, I want to fail at this. I find that bizarre, because my career world is so precarious and out of my control right now, wouldn't I want to have something that I actually can 100% control? But then that's where I get into trouble; there are invariable (food) situations in life that I can't control. I make the best choice I feel that I can, but then it ends up being not good enough, and I feel like all is for naught. Or I feel like I deserve a little bit of an indulgence, and I pay a scale price that does not seem on par, and get frustrated all over again.

I need to let the little things stop bothering me. If a celebration happens and I indulge a bit, so be it, things go back to normal right afterwards, not 3 weeks afterwards. If I work my butt off in every way and don't see results on the scale or in the way my clothes fit, I need to keep on pushing. And these things are so hard for me to do.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what else I can pull out to motivate me to do this. I have pictures and quotes everywhere, I have smaller clothing I want to fit in that I look at regularly. I have races to run that I know will be easier if I have less weight on me. I have a husband that wants to carry me over the threshold of our new house next year; he's going to really want me to have less weight on me! (and no, I know he doesn't think like that, that one was all me). I want to have kids someday that I need to be healthy for. I have all the motivation and reminders in the world, and yet I still can't do it. And I don't know what it's going to take to get me there, because I've been here before, I've been this exasperated, this frustrated. And clearly nothing changed.

I feel like I am at one hell of an impasse...

Pretty Pretty Please Don't You Ever Ever Feel Like You're Less Than Perfect

I'm quite clearly a slacker!

Life has been busy, between work, running training and all the million things I take on. And I really just haven't been in the mood to write. But I am so far behind on blogging about my accomplished goals that I'm going to have to re-do some of them! For example, last September we did not eat out at all. Goal accomplished! But I have no idea what to write about since it was so long ago, and I neglected to take a picture. I figure I will just have to do it again (Darn.) Failure to take a picture and blog about it would mean failure to complete another goal, and I just can't have that.

I will be getting caught up hopefully soon, because I have about 20 goals finished so far. I'm starting to get nervous as the one year mark approaches; I feel like there is so much going on in my life on a regular basis, what if I don't get them all done?? But I am training for the toughest of them all, the half marathon. It comes up in October, and although that seems far away to a degree, 21 km does NOT. Wish me luck!

I Might Get Your Heart Racing In My Skin-Tight Jeans, Be Your Teenage Dream Tonight

Last night I was lucky/unlucky enough to have a bit of a lightbulb moment that may provide a bit of clarity as to why I self-sabotage and fight against myself in losing weight.

I attended my first high school dance as a teacher last night. I loved them when I was in high school; I love to dance, and of course there was always the teenage drama about who was going with who, wondering if the boy you liked would ask you to dance, hoping they would play your current favourite song. But it was a whole different ball game standing there as a chaperone.

I was on coat check with a fellow teacher, and we happened to be across from the girls washroom, so there was a fair bit of traffic in our area. We begin to notice a trend in the clothing; extremely short, tight skirts, plenty of cleavage, see-through shirts and stilettos. We were a bit appalled at first at some of the inappropriate outfits, but eventually giggled because with most girls it was quite apparent how uncomfortable they were in those shoes, and constantly yanking at their hemlines.

But of course I felt a twinge of jealousy; I was overweight all through high school - I never had that kind of body, so obviously never wore those kind of clothes and never got the kind of attention I know those girls did last night. I'm not saying I wish I had've paraded around like jailbait, just that I wish I could have felt confident and attractive (and yes, I realize most teenage girls are certainly not actually self-confident, no matter what they look like).

The other teacher commented "Well, I guess they should enjoy looking like that while they do, because they won't always have a body like that".

Very true. But that simple and obvious comment made me truly realize something I have avoided addressing within my mind. When I do lose the weight and am feeling confident and attractive, I don't get to do high school over again. I'll be 30 years old, and tight mini-skirts and see-through lace shirts just don't seem right, no matter how rockin' my body might be. I will never get to experience being young and hot, that's just a fact. No, I don't think 30 is old, but it's not 18.

I guess I feel like I've lost the opportunity to experience something. I'll never get to be the girl that guys flock to or want to buy drinks for at the bar. I'll never get to confidently go out and enjoy all the perks that come with being young and single. I don't really know what it's like to confidently flirt. And even as I type this, it seems stupid, seems trivial and shallow. I'm very happily married and enjoy every part of my life, why would I even have the need to experience all those things anyway? But I've never felt good about myself in my own skin. And I just want to have all those little goofy experiences that validate how you look, because I have absolutely NO idea what it feels like to have someone look at you like that. And believe me, I know I shouldn't rely on how other people treat me to validate my self-worth (and all that other mumbo jumbo). Knowing that doesn't change how I feel tho.

I distinctly remember what it was like to be the chubby girl in elementary school, high school, and at university. I very clearly remember what it was like to be the sidekick to the popular girl, the girl whose name nobody could remember. I remember having crushes, only to find out of course they would never like someone like me (which of course may or may not have had anything to do with my weight, but that's how I internalized it). I remember feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, embarassed at the size I had to wear, ashamed that my mom couldn't find jeans that fit me so I was dubbed the "Track Pant Queen". I have thousands of very clear memories of the feelings I had (and still have) that went along with being overweight. And they will never go away or be replaced.

I know that when I am fit and happy with my body, I will have many great experiences that I have never had that will help me feel good about myself. I don't think for one second that these old memories will stop me from enjoying a thin and attractive body.

But there's the fear... what if it's just not good enough? What if carrying this weight for so long has denied me of living, and there is nothing that will ever make up for that lost time? What if I lose the weight and still don't feel good about myself? What if I do get the attention that I seem to think I want, and wish I didn't? What if I always resent myself for letting myself be overweight during a time in my life that it would have been much better to be thin and attractive? What if I always feel like I've missed some important experience of being a teenager?

What if losing the weight doesn't actually solve anything?

I know that's a common mistake, to think that losing weight will make your entire life better. But as far as I see it, the rest of my life IS better, my body is what I'm unhappy with. But what if the things I think are associated with my size, actually aren't?

Then what?.....

Thanks That Was Fun, Don't Forget, No Regrets

You know that moment when you're tired of being a lump? You feel exasperated with your recent behaviour and just have that moment of clarity that means things have got to change. I've had that moment several times. It's kind of a bi-product of re-committing yourself over and over again to weight loss. After every binge comes that moment. Some binges are short, some are sadly longer. But eventually that moment comes through where you're tired of choosing failure. Tired of feeling like food controls you, instead of the other way around.

The problem is that the other side of this, for me at least, is that I get tired of being obsessed. I get obsessed with planning and preparing to do the things to help me lose weight. I get consumed, where every breathe thinks about what I'm eating next, do I feel like working out tonight, do I deserve this treat, does that even matter. And during that time, I do in fact do well. But god it would be really nice to not have to think about food in any context, to just be.

I truly think I will be great at maintining my weight, whenever I get to that place. Indulge a bit, reign it all in for a few days, balance. But for now, I can't seem to stop sabatoging myself. I do well, get close to a goal, somewhat-subconsciously panic, pig out and stop going to the gym. Then start all over again, ultimately never actually progressing, but constantly in a battle with myself that no one is winning.

Nick's tired of the battle, and he just watches from the sidelines and listens to the endless commentary. But I have to live it every day, every moment, and it's exhausting. Is there actually an end to this war?

Till Now I Always Got By On My Own

From my SparkPeople blog:

I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. Literally. I distinctly remember the moment I became painfully aware that I was fat. It was hard to miss; a Grade 8 boy told my Grade 3 chubby body quite abruptly "You're fat." I didn't know that I was until that moment. But from then on, I was always aware of my size. And it hasn't improved since then. Of course my weight has changed, I've been heavier and I've been a bit smaller, but never have I been less than overweight. I don't know what I would look or feel like at a healthy weight.

At the moment, I still have about 40 lbs to lose to get to where I want to be. I've been 25 lbs heavier, and before Christmas I was almost 10 lbs lighter. I constantly go up and down. I have a great month, then I undo all I've done the next month. It takes a lot for me to really get ahead, but overall, I have stayed the same weight for over a year, despite painstaking efforts otherwise, surrounded by binge-eating.

I am obsessive. I know that. Until last month, I had spent one night a week at Weight Watchers, one night a week carefully meal-planning for the next 7 days, and every hour thinking about food, exercise, and any tactic I could use to help keep me motivated to lose weight. The result? A year of up and down on the scale to ultimately stay right where I was to begin with, $1000 gone to WW, and a husband who was now annoyed with the obsession with little result.

 Nick has always been supportive, but he's never struggled with weight and food issues, so he has a hard time truly understanding my woes. But for years he has listened to my new ideas, my promises to myself that fell flat, my speculations, my triumphs, my failures, my desperation, my despair, my vows to let this be the last time, my recipes, my news articles, my new gym schedules, and everything else in between. He has truly been wonderful. But I managed to coerce it out of him that he's kinda had enough of hearing about it. And I really don't blame him, I'm sick of it too. So while I'm not mad that he doesn't share my crazy obsession enthusiasm for healthy living, I suddenly feel bad for inundating him with the constant barage of information. And although he in no way asked me to stop sharing, I have decided to stop flooding him with it all. However, that leaves me alone in this.

I've never been good at making new friends. I'm shy and self-conscious, and I've always had trouble connecting with my peers. I've tried making friends at places like Toastmasters, church, and at work, but it's always with people not within my age group. And while that's ok, and they were all lovely people, I seemed to have a tough time truly connecting and sharing with someone who was just at a different stage in life than I am; I wanted a friend, not a parent figure, and that seemed to be what I ended up with. But people my own age intimidate me. I feel inadequate, that I don't have my life together, personally or professionally. Which means I don't want to share my needs or challenges because I will seem weak. I can't win. And thus I am alone.

I tried WW in hopes of getting that personal contact of people in the same boat. Again, everyone was friendly, but when the new PointsPlus debuted last year, tons of new people flooded in. With the meetings so busy, I let myself just fade into the background. No one really noticed or cared if I was there or not, myself included.

Maybe I will never be very good at making friends. But I feel like if I truly want to lose weight, I need to have someone I can talk to every day, someone who understands, who can offer help and ideas, who can sympathize and get me through the tough times and be proud of me for even the small things that are a big deal to me. And I want to be there to be the same thing for them. But I know this can't just be a random person, it has to be someone I connect with.

I joined a Biggest Loser challenge at work in hopes of having some accountability, figuring I would hate having to submit a weight gain, and thus avoid gaining. But since it was across the entire school board, I ended up on a team of strangers. We email in our weight results every Wednesday. There was no real personal connection there, so when I first ended up with a gain on the scale, I just didn't bother to email in my results. No one cared.

I've spent the morning looking for a Spark buddy, browsing teams and message boards, I feel like I'm starting to sound sad and desperate. But I truly am tired of not having the motivation to choose long-term success over instant gratification. It's like I go into a trance when it comes to eating junk food, and can't talk myself out of it. I need help. And I hope I find that help for the long term.

I Love You's Not Enough, I'm Lost For Words

I think I've decided to stick with my goal of running a half marathon.

I must be insane.

Am I setting myself up for failure? I mean it's 21.1 km... More than twice that of my race in September, and that was a challenge. But I'm being stubborn; I set the goal, and I don't see a suitable replacement. I had to change one of my goals; instead of becoming a Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers, I will now simply get to my goal weight. Same thing, except I won't have to keep paying $50 a month. I'm ok with that adjustment. But I've toiled over a comparable exchange for a half marathon, and nothing seems acceptable. I can't exchange it unless it's something close, and I don't know that there are many things quite like running a half marathon.

I'm scared. Truly. My training for the 10k last summer didn't exactly go through as planned. I think I started way too early and kinda waned in my training enthusiasm. I still finished the race though. But I don't think you can just push through 20+ km. You've gotta be well prepared for that. And I've been struggling this week, both with food and exercise, and I can't afford to do that if I'm going to sign up for the Toronto Habourfront race, October 14th. I am so scared...

But I'm also determined. And that's gotta come in handy sometime.

The Monster In The Closet, When The Lights Turned On Is Just A Jacket On A Hanger And The Fear Is Gone

I'm in the midst of a bender. Sort of. The last few days have not been great, I've over-eaten, had chips and chocolate, and generally not cared how much I snacked. And of course the scale has crept up a bit. But I don't care. Well, of course I do, but I'm having a tough time getting myself back on track. And I'm currently craving more, and I always wish after the fact that I could have stopped myself, but it always feels like I'm in some kinda of cugar/carb induced/craving daze that can't see logic or reason. So I managed to have a moment of clarity (which is waning) that urged me to stop and write before I committed any further eating sins.

I was just browsing the M&M Meats website looking for what dessert I wanted to indulge in for tonight. The buttercream brownies are to die for, but I really love nanimo bars, and the tiger brownies are pretty good, and the banana chocolate chips cake is super yummy, and then there are all kinds of fantastic sounding dishes that I've never even tried. I have been craving chocolate HUGE for the last week, every day. And I've been giving in pretty much every day. But it just won't go away. And I know, I am 100% certain, that if I bought any of those desserts, it would be entirely gone within a day or two. Oh I can easily polish of a tray of sweets in no time, sick to my stomach or not. Part me wants to stop that trend, wants me to not go to the store to give in to this needless emotional eating. But there's still that part of me that wants the chocolate. And even though that part of me knows that no good will come in pigging out on brownies, other than the brief moment of taste in my mouth, whereas I will feel and be much better off without them.... I still feel like the chocolate monster is going to win today. Maybe all I can take is the slight victory that I managed to stop myself enough to write. I was able to skip out of the daze long enough to open a tab to my blog and start writing. And maybe if I can do that again next time, maybe I will improve even more and not get the chocolate that time.