Tell Me Why, Or Do You Know, How Stars Can Fall From Above

I'm fighting today. I am trying really hard to write instead of giving in to a craving.

I'm fine through most of the day, but when school is done, the food thoughts start to creep in. It didn't help that someone in the workroom had a burger after 4th period, the smell completely permeated the room, and all I could think about was food.

I had a pit stop to make on the way home, so I started thinking about what food places where nearby, wondering what could I stop and get. I realized (and not necessarily for the first time either) that whenever I go out somewhere, I associate it with getting food. It doesn't matter what the errand is, or where it takes me, I figure I should get a snack/treat while I'm out. I don't really know where that habit originated from, but it's a deep one now. And not a good one. It's a good thing I don't shop often, and try to get as much done in one go as I can.

Even as I drive, I'm taken by the slightest suggestion; there's a pizza commercial on the radio, guess what I want for dinner now. I start picturing my fridge and cupboards, debating on whether I stop to get something, maybe just at the grocery store. Taking a certain route home gives me different options, so I start picturing the bakery and what treats they might have today. (This descriptive narration is not helping at the moment...)

I did start to wonder if maybe I haven't eaten enough throughout the day; once I tallied, I realized I have probably eaten about 600 calories, less than even half of what I probably should eat in a day, and it's no wonder I'm hungry.

I managed to fight (almost literally) my way out of the kitchen with just a stick of gum, to at least get myself up to the computer. But I don't know if this is helping or just making me dream about what I would rather be doing in this moment.

Which we all know is eat.

However, I'm currently NOT eating, so I guess in that regard it's a win. But I am eventually going to have to move on and stop writing and do other things, then what? Do I just have to hope that by then the craving will be gone? And if this does work, what about next time, if there is no chance to intervene with a blog post?

And even if I managed to fight it off this time, in the scheme of things, I'm still going to eat 1000s of calories next time, so does it really matter? Does any of all this effort really matter? Because it feels like I have been fighting this forever, and I've basically gained 50 lbs over the last 10 years (roughly), so I'm not exactly headed in the right direction overall.

Nick thinks I am doomed to continue like this until I fix the emotional issues that are attached with my overeating. I agree with him entirely; the problem is, I have no idea how to fix it. (Well, other than therapy, which I mentioned yesterday isn't in the financial cards right now, so what other option do I have?)

All of this is just making me feel worse, for having screwed up so much in the past, for having so far to go when I look forward. I think of the progress I've made times before, and it seems so far away, and I worked so hard for it, yet I've just completely destroyed it. And yet that thought doesn't making eating right now seem any less appealing.

Food is my comfort, and I need that comfort right now, so it seems counter-intuitive to be running away from the thing that is going to make you feel better. But I have to think long-term, and hope that being miserable now (yes, not eating makes me miserable) makes me happy later. Seems like counting on something that may never happen. Although I guess that's what I've been doing for years anyway. I could have spent a year, not overeating, and I would be happy now, as opposed to spending the last 15 years fighting this, rather unsuccessfully.

And yet still, I'm not terribly motivated to get it right this time! It makes no sense! If it's making me feel this frustrated, this upset, this worthless, this desperate, why is all that not enough?? Why do I not want to change this, make it better? Why is 60 seconds of (albeit delicious) food worth the agony I go through on a daily basis?

Ok, I'm done. I feel like I'm going in useless circles. I think I'm ok as long as I stay upstairs, but as soon as I go downstairs to make dinner, who knows. I have to stop at the grocery store later, will I be able to resist buying something? I don't know. Why couldn't I be addicted to alcohol instead of food? At least alcohol you can completely eliminate, food I have to have, at least to some extent. Ok, I don't really wish I was an alcoholic, but this sucks. That's all I know right now.

Lonely As I Am Together We Cry

I feel like I have an ocean of things to say, and yet I have extreme writer's block. So I guess without all the fancy talk, here are the facts:

• I currently weigh 202.4 lbs. It's an improvement from the 207.8 I saw not too long ago, but it's still horrible.
• after a VERY long talk with Nick, I feel better and yet even more confused about where to go from here; tired of re-starting, tired of failing, tired of giving up, tired of giving in, yet not wanting to give up. It's exhausting
• I feel like I'm at a standstill. I don't have the resources to beat this thing (at this point, I think I need to see someone), and I don't have the money for any kind of therapy. So I can't do it alone, but I can't get to the help I need right now either, so what do I do for now? I'm in a holding pattern until that mystical day when I have medical coverage that might cover a psychiatrist/therapist visit, or at least a paycheck that can afford it. But until then... what am I suppose to do? Be frustrated every single day? Just hope for the best? 
• I hate seemingly knowing all the right answers to weight loss and yet not being able to follow through with actual action. How can you know how to do something and yet not be able to do it?
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to food.
• I have little to no self-control when it comes to making decisions about food. (and yes, I see those as two different things)
• School is going great, but it is VERY busy, so I am very overwhelmed, very stressed, and constantly thinking about work. Any time I get to relax, I feel like I should be doing something else, so it's not entirely relaxing and rejuvenating. Since school started, my dreams have been either work-related or they carry the same busy/stressed feeling so despite solid nights of sleep, I wake up feeling like I just put in another exhausting day overnight.
• I don't know how to stop feeling like I am just treading water.
• I feel like I know what my issues are, what old childhood problems started this whole mess of low self-esteem, and yet I can't seem to get past them.
• Will anything I do ever feel good enough? What is 'good enough'?
• Why do I torture myself? Why do I drag this out? Why can't I let myself believe that I actually do deserve to beat this?

Anyway, that doesn't seem to even scratch the surface of what's running through my head lately. But after a jar of Nutella in the last 24 hours and a few Drumsticks too many, plus a plate of nachos I certainly didn't need, I felt the need to get something off my chest. I'm also hoping I can find some small fraction of time each day to write, in hopes of turning to the keyboard instead of the fridge.

I Can Only Imagine What My Eyes Will See

I'm nervous.

Tomorrow is my first day at a new school.

Today I started getting myself back on track and off the binge.

I feel like I'm stepping through a door with very little idea of what's on the other side, but for some reason I have hope.

I feel like I will be crossing the threshold, stepping over the line between past mistakes and wrongs, and future promises and success.

Maybe I'll get it right this time.

My Eyes Will Do The Same, Every Day It Will Rain

Everyone knows that the book is always better than the movie. Always. Sometimes the movie does a pretty good job, but who are we kidding? The book wins every time. Some examples... the first couple of Harry Potter movies are very true to the books, good job. The movie Sundays At Tiffany's is a cute Christmas movie; the book happens in spring. Totally bizarre. (Also sucks when you saw the movie first, thought you were picking a Christmas book for your December book club, and it ends up as it did. Not that that happened.)

Out of this goal, Nick also gave me the suggestion to watch movies first more often, since after a spectacular book, the movie is most of the time a letdown. That way, so he says, you can enjoy the movie (rather than criticize every mistake) and then later enjoy the book even more. We'll see. I'm aiming to try that tactic with The Hunger Games; I've seen the movie, so we'll see how the book is. Once I finish this goal list of course.

Most of my combos, the movies did fairly well. Sometimes I wished they had picked different actors (*cough*Twilight*cough*), and sometimes I was really confused about the changes they made (The Lightning Thief had many; I cursed a lot during that one. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, they changed siblings to step-siblings, no idea why). But overall, I wasn't too upset at any of the movie interpretations. But man what I wouldn't give to be able to do my own.